


The Missing Pieces

by NowAwake



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Animagus, F/M, Friendship, Marauders, Plot, Romance, The Marauder's Map, War
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-10
Updated: 2021-02-03
Packaged: 2021-03-07 01:40:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 21
Words: 77,007
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26378935
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NowAwake/pseuds/NowAwake
Summary: "I remembered each word written in the seven books of J.K Rowling, along with the fact that I had some life before this to remember but didn't." Ernaline Dawn Brown was born in the marauder's Era with memories that complicated everything.SiriusX (OC)
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Sirius Black/Original Female Character(s)
Comments: 5
Kudos: 30





	1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

I woke up crying, covered in slime and gasping for breath. My hands and feet hardly moving to my will. Where was I? I tried to open my eyes but they were stuck, as though glued together.

"Oh, Congratulations Mrs. Cahwel Brown, it's a girl!" I heard someone exclaim. It's a girl? Were they talking about me? Was I kidnapped? What was happening to me. Anxiety swirled and came at me, like a whirlwind, and my wailing only increased. I was crying and wailing, like a child.

I felt a blanket around me and was soon engulfed in its warmth, and a lingering smell of aftershave.

"She must be hungry, Cahwel, you should feed our daughter." A male voice sounded from above me. I swayed from side to side, as a kiss landed on my forehead. "Your brother will be so excited to see you, my little mouse," he said flicking my nose.  
"Here, you feed her, I'll go check on our son. I'll be right back, love." Said the man, as I was transferred to another.

"Oh, darling, I can't believe you're finally with us." said the woman holding me, sniffling. "I love you more than you could ever know darling. You'll see, one day I'll tell you and you'll understand, you'll grow up to be such a fine woman, my baby."

Baby? What it in the world was happening here? I wasn't a baby! I'm a grown person! Wasn't I? My breathing hitched and I hiccuped a cry, again.

"Shhh, shh darling. Don't worry, I've got you." I heard. I felt a soothing liquid trickle into my mouth, I could hardly recognise the taste and falling prey to my insatiety, I greedily gulped.

Tired and full, I didn't realise how sleep had captured me again.

-X-

"So what should I call her, dad?" I heard a boy squeak.

What should they call me? But I already had a name! Why would anyone need to give me another?

My name was - my name was -uhrri? Oh merlin! What was my name? Tension balled up inside in me. I couldn't remember anything. It felt as though I'd swallowed a ball of salt and with that thought, I burped out the contents of my stomach.

No, it's not like I didn't remember anything.

I did remember. I remembered each word written in the seven books of J.K Rowling, along with the fact that I had some life before this to remember and didn't.

####

I woke up, hungry again, fluttering my eyes open. An unrecognised set of noises left my mouth in an attempt to convey my hunger and excitement. Hazy images aligned together and I saw a boy's face right above mine. A set of soft brown eyes, evidently the largest and the most attractive feature of his face, a tiny round nose that flushed into his cheeks and the highlight- the widest, largest smile.

Instinctively and immediately, wanting to grab his attention and I tried to swat his face, only to realise the length of my hand wasn't enough to reach him, my tiny fingers hardly able to uncoil. It was a baby's hand, which could only mean one thing; that I was a baby. I remembered having come to a similar conclusion before. I would have expected this big moment of realisation to probably lead to irritation or frustration and maybe even hysteria, but my limited understanding, decreased ability to process and baby hormones betrayed me. Even though I understood what it meant, it all felt like a rather funny joke and I only giggled.

Finding it amusing, I again reached for the little boy's face. This time he leaned in and let me attack. I took that as an opportunity to go for another round of punch-boy-in-face and giggled, showering my spit all over his face.

"Mom I think she likes me!" Said the boy, as I saw him tugging on the hair of the lady holding him up next to my crib.

"Haha, yes, darling, of course she does. All this spit on your face confirms it, doesn't it?" She said, taking out a long stick from her pockets and swirling it over the boys face to clean it. "Aren't you the best brother she could have? "

"I'll wait for her to tell me that! Can I take her outside to play?" Said the little boy. He looked around the age of three. "I'll show her my new snitch and my collection of chocolate frog cards!"

"Ernaline is all but a week old, dear, she doesn't even know what a snitch is." She said, taking the boy outside the room and leaving me to stare at the stars which floated above my bed.

The lady couldn't be more wrong. I imagined that one day I'll be flying through the sky seeking that snitch.

1 year later

I crawled under my cot, leaving behind my mother, who was crawling after me to feed me another bite of apple stew. She called it the last bite, yet again. Well, I didn't remember things from my previous life, but I was very well aware of this trap. I wasn't going to let her outsmart me with this one! My mother sat cross legged in front of me, waiting for me to come. Her skin matched the colour of her khakhi trousers which she had paired with an olive green shirt. Her smile stretched brighter than the solitaires that hung on her ears, as she expectantly held out the spoon towards me.

I laughed, taking my tongue out.  
"No, nono." I said.

"Did you just say no Ernaline?" My mother laughed. "And here I thought at least your second set of words would be something around mom!"

I slapped my hand against the wooden floor as I gurgled the last remnants of food in my mouth as though to prove the finality of my decision.

"Fine, no more. Come on out, then, we'll go check on Gurgie."

Gurgie was no other than my brother, and no my parents didn't actually name him that! I did. Gerhardt was mouthful to pronounce, especially for my dim witted 1 year old self. Gurgie was the first word I'd said, everyone initially thought I was babbling, but for me, it was as real as it gets. Gurgie was my favourite person and my mother, often, successfully lured me out using his name. If I had to guess, I'd say she was also somewhat jealous of him being my favourite.

*slurps saliva and giggles*

####

I brushed my light brown, curly hair again before I pinned them up on the sides and decided that no matter what, I wasn't going to change the look again. I'd been trying to get them under control for a few minutes now, but I knew from ten years of experience that they were untameable. On some good days I woke up with perfect curls and on other, important days, they were as much of trouble as Fred and George would later prove to be. My mother refused to charm or spell them for me, she insisted that we leave some things to work by hand to make sure we don’t get dependent on magic and forgot to use our limbs. She had a rather unusual theory of addiction to magic, as though it were firewhiskey.

I wore an embroidered lilac princess dress that clung to my plump body. I was satisfied with how I looked, I'd hand picked the cloth myself and my mother had stitched it perfectly to my size. But with my hair, the same satisfaction would never come. I inspected myself in the mirror one last time before I would step out of my room to cut my birthday cake.

"Ernie, come on! Everyone's waiting for you,” Gurgie called out as he stepped inside my room.

"I was just coming out," I said, letting him cover my eyes and lead me outside. It wasn’t a surprise or anything, just that Gurgie didn’t leave any attempt for trying to make me feel special.

There was a small crowd gathered, my parents, my brother. Our family friends, the Bones, were here with both their children, Edgar and as well as baby Amelia, to celebrate my birthday.

Edgar was my age and was a constant presence at our home. We weren't best of friends or anything of the sort, but he was still family. Both Mr. And Mrs. Bones, whom I fondly referred to as aunty and uncle Bones, were my father's colleagues at St. Mungo's Hospital and more importantly 'his gang' since Hogwarts. They had decided their career on their first Hogwarts Express ride whilst attempting to fix my father's broken foot when it came between the compartment door. Oh, thinking about that story always leaves me with a smile. However, my mother was a few years younger, and surprisingly, never knew my father before her parents had arranged her marriage to him.

I walked through the small corridor that led to our kitchen and found them gathered around our 6 seater wooden dining table, with a large purple cake nestled towards a corner for me. Yorkshire puddings, scones, Victoria sponge and Summer Sherry Trifle were neatly arranged on the rest of the table. Muggles would call it a diabetic nightmare, but for the metabolism of us wizards it was hardly so. They had removed all chairs to make room to stand and kept a small stool in front of the cake to compensate for my height. They had out done themselves this year, with all my favourite food and an added element of grape juice in wine glasses. They had kept in mind how I always insisted on taking one glass for myself. I smiled at my family as I shuffled faster towards my treats.

"This is so fabulous. Aunty Liela, did you bake my cake?" I said, climbing the stool.

"Of course she did, little mouse and one of her special blueberry one too. Now let's get to it shall we, because my mouth is already watering!" Father said, curling his arm around my shoulder.

We cut the cake, and laughed away at the silly things my father and uncle Hariel said. Edgar got me a hoard of candy, which he and Gurgie happily helped themselves to. Uncle and aunt got me a toy wand that could fold my clothes, turn my shoes into roller skates and they claimed it could also change the colours of my clothes.

Once the Bones left, Gurgie left no time pulling me into the fort he had built in our room. The sheets hovered over the make-do wall that was created with chairs, a cupboard, a few lamps, a pile of books and a sample of everything that matched the height requirement of the fort. He’d taken dad’s help to expand the fort with an extension charm and set up a quidditch pitch. We didn’t have any bludgers or quaffles, so our game was always about catching the snitch. Mom refereed the game, and like every other time, I had lost the snitch to my brother. It was funny how I’d always imagined being the best seeker there is, but when we played the game, even if it wasn’t the real deal, I was quite horrible at it. The bubble of my fantasies, burst every so often.

The day came to an end and I was being tucked into bed on my twin bed next to my brother’s.

My mother called after my father from the door, "Abster Brown, will you get the box already!"

I giggled, oh I was waiting for this. Finally it was time for their gift.

"Do you know what it is, Gurgie?" I whispered.

My father entered the room with a wooden box. It had 3 drawer-like compartments. He carefully seated next to my bedside lamp.

"You're a big girl now Ernie, and a wise one too. Hardly a year before you leave for Hogwarts and be on your own and in charge of yourself. Isn't it?" My father said, smiling like he always did, with bright and glistening eyes. He looked at my mother, urging her to continue.

"So we thought, instead of adding to the pile of toys and things you two have already have, we'd give your first adult gift. So this box here, is actually a piggy bank."

"A piggy bank? But mom I already own one!" I said, looking confused.

"You do, and both your father and I have seen, you're very responsible with it. You put every last silver and sickle you get on Christmas or otherwise and never have I ever seen you use a single sickle out of it. Merlin only knows what you're saving for! Now, this is a very special sort of a piggy bank. This compartment on the bottom is for saving, the one in the middle for giving and the one on the top is for spending."

My mother waited for me to reply as I started to inspect the tiny box. Pulling the drawer open I found a single Galleon in each and realised the space inside was much, much larger than how small it looked from outside.

"Mom, but can't I just do the same with the one I have!" I said, sounding disappointed with

This meant I could save and decide what to spend on, I could save and decide who to help and how. I could even just save to save as I always did. My parents usually bought things for me, the paints, clothes, books and toys. They worked hard and saved the money, Gurgie and I, we both knew that, but they never let us feel it. We weren't poor or anything, but everything in our lives was valued and cared for. I remember mom teaching me the importance of money and how we must understand that it's not limitless for anyone, rich or poor. She had told us how it took responsible decisions and hard work even for a rich person to remain rich.

They were giving me a chance to be responsible.

I smiled and gave them a small hug.

"I love it. But 3 Galleons is a lot! I could buy 10 owls from that much! What if someone steals them? And what about Piggy the piggy bank?" I asked.

"Darling, that's your birthday gift, really, you get to choose. And it's charmed so only you can open it, no one else, not even me. For your piggy bank, you can sort that into the compartment of your liking in the box and do as you please with it. Now come on, it's late. Sleep, both of you." Father said.

Both our parents kissed us goodnight as I turned towards my left to face Gurgie. I looked at him as he stared at our starry ceiling. Was he wondering the same thing as I was? It was 27th May 1969, my 10th birthday. 1969 was also the year when my brother turned 11, and in a month's time he would get his letter. In a month's time he would make friends, best friends who wouldn't be me and I would be left here alone. The moment dad mentioned Hogwarts, that’s the first thing that went on in my mind. He was thinking about that too, wasn't he?

"It'll alright you know, you have to go and study. We always knew you'd be going, Gurg. And I’ll be there in two years. Don't you worry about me." I told him.

He looked at me, startled, before he shook his head into a smile. "Ernie, you're the best sister ever, I thought you'd never be okay with me leaving."

I don’t think I was okay with him leaving, but there wasn’t any option. He inspected my sad smile and waited a moment before he added, "Also, check your cupboard in the morning. I got you a hair spray from the muggle shops, you're always fussing about your hair. It’s not magic, so mom can’t say anything either. Happy birthday."

————————————————


	2. Chapter 2

Years had flown by since my arrival into this world, eating mud, learning some part of the alphabet, slipping off my toy broom right into a muggle sewer and I had started to forget all about Rowling's words. Yes I lived in the world she wrote about, my coin collection was in sickles and not in dimes or cents. I'd lived in a tiny wizarding colony in London. I had lived much more of the wizarding world than she could write about in her books in my small lifespan of nine years. I was satisfied with the comfort of this world, my home and my family.

I would have completely forgotten about the rest of her words, the rest of the story it told and the future it predicted, if my brother hadn't left for Hogwarts last week.

I don't think anyone else can say this for themselves, but I remembered the day I was born like it was yesterday. I remembered having Gerhardt Brown around and swirling about me every minute of every day. And here I was, face down on my pillow, sobbing away, as Gurg was missing from my life for a week.

Initially it was just about my brother being missing from my life. It was a rather difficult absence that I felt. It also gave me time to ponder about the events in and around the life of Harry Potter but it somehow didn’t concern me so much even then. But when mom read out his first Owl from Hogwarts, he mentioned Hagrid. Rubeus Hagrid and his Umbrella which worked like a wand. That was when the realisation dawned upon me, and the reality of Rowlings world came back crashing and with proof. Hagrid had really existed.

I, of course, always had proof of the world and magic right in front of me, but this was the first time I'd heard of anyone from the books, with the exception of Dumbeldore, whose existence I’d dismissed as a mere coincidence. I had never met or heard of the Potters or the Weasleys, Lestranges or the Malfoys and my parents had not even mentioned Voldemort. I had lived in a world of Browns, Bones, pastries, pies and a Gurgie.

I started jotting down important events and details from the books into my journal, in a haphazard and random order. When a trail of names had come under the column of people that would die, including Dumbledore, Tonks, Lupin, Snape, Sirius, Cedric, James and Lily, that was when I really realised what the off side of winning the war was. Even though, personally, I knew none of these people, I remembered having loved these characters as a part of Harry’s life. That memory was sufficient to make my heart race and mind stumble, wanting to scream out loud for help. It had almost been a week since Gurgie left, a little less than that since the realisation and ever since then a constant weight pressured my chest. 

A knock sounded at my door and my mother let herself enter the room. My diary was safely hidden under my mattress, so didn’t worry about that. She sat herself beside me on my bed.

"Darling you've hardly spoken to anyone since Gurgie left. You two are so close, it's hardly right to separate you. Tell me what can I do? Perhaps some new activity you want to get involved in? A dance class or perhaps a quidditch lesson should do, yes? You’ve always wanted to be better at it." She asked.

I stared at her plainly, knowing that she could read how disturbed I was from my face. I didn’t know what to do with this realisation that had left me with so many questions unanswered and with a purposeless weight of the knowledge of a possible future. What was I going to do about it, would I even be able to do something about it? The ambiguity that I felt reflected well in my mother’s yes. She didn’t know what bothered me.

"Mum, I never wanted to be better, but the best at quidditch. But I don’t think I’m quite cut out for either of those things." I said, as I sat up and the white sheets under me crumpled together under me.

"Don't give up so easily, you've hardly learnt it at all, and what is it that you think you’re cut out for?" she said smiling, tugging my hair behind my ear.

"That's the thing, I don’t know what my purpose is, as in the purpose of my existence." I said.

My mother's brows came together, her smile intact but her eyes searched my face, waiting for the rest of the explanation and when she didn’t get it, she said, "You don’t have to know that already, darling. You’re just ten. Once you start with Hogwarts, you’ll know better and you’ll be able to figure it out just fine."

“Mum I can’t wait for another year! It’s already eating away at me! And what's the guarantee I'd know even after Hogwarts?” I said, letting my voice reach an ear scratching pitch.

“It’s not going to happen overnight, Ernie,” she said.

“But how will I ever figure it out if I don’t do anything about it?”

"Then, darling, let's do something about it." She smiled as she said, "That's something we can figure out. You have your tuition, maybe we could change the subjects and see if you like something in particular. You could try some new things. I'm sure dad will have some more ideas as well."

"Mum, I've been studying the basics since I was 3 to ready myself for Hogwarts. What's the point of reading more about transfiguration when I can't even practice it. I need something different, more practical maybe." I said. 

This new realisation had started to stir a need for me to know everything there is to know. I'd picked up books from my mother's limited library to fill some blanks that Rowling’s books had left me with. However the Harry Potter books being a jumbled mess in my head, and the purpose of their contents still unclear, things hardly made any sense. I hardly knew what I was looking for. I had to decide upon a plan and soon. I needed to explore my only advantage, extra information, and know what it's possession meant for me. 

Leaning back into my yellow cushioned backrest. I thought carefully about what my plan of action could be. I definitely needed the books in their written format. So, the first thing I'd do is write them down, but what then? I thought of them as prophecies, but what does one do with prophecies? Whatever little knowledge my mother had provided only told me that prophecies were never specific and usually left room and scope for multiple alternatives. But the story of Harry Potter was much more than a vague summation of possibilities, it was almost 20 years of his life, pre-written for him. My lack of knowledge restricted my further planning, and hence my plan included gaining knowledge. How, when and what were questions is what was left to figure out.

Father returned from work, with a tired smile he dumped his briefcase in our under-stairs cloak-cupboard and ruffled my hair. After freshening up he set to help my mother prepare for dinner, as I set the china on the table.

I was lost in thought as I helped myself with some beans and without any focus I chewed on it in a mannerless fashion and gulped it. I leaned back on my chair, wondering, chewing and twirling my hair around my finger. Is it even going to happen? How will I know if it’s true? How will I know what to even do?

"Darling, we were talking to you. Where are you lost?" Father said, snapping me out of my thoughts.

"Sorry dad, I got lost in my mind." I said as though it was completely normal and an acceptable reason.

"I could see, and your mother was just filling me in on your recent  _ purposelessness _ . You do know that you’re very essential for both of our existence? And that is quite the purpose really." He said.

“It’s not like that, Dad, of course-“ 

“Darling I’m not saying that you can’t feel purposeless, I’m not dismissing that emotion of yours, I’m just telling you that you are important to us. So then, what shall be done about it? Do you have something in mind?” He said, cutting me off mid sentence. I was expecting to hear how rubbish of a concern that was at my age, but Abster Brown would never cease to surprise me with how he processed information.

“I don’t know dad, what can we even do? It’s not like I can go to Hogwarts early, nor can my tutor teach me actual magic.” I said with a disappointed sigh.

“What about Merlin’s? You could go there? It’s one of the oldest wizarding arts and almost dying out. It has a reputation to be quite tough as well, so that should occupy your time well,” said father.

“Of course it’s tough, all boring things are! It is old and dying out because of that! Dad Arthur-Merlin’s is a swordsmanship training. How will that help?” I asked, almost irritated.

“Why will it not? It’s always good to arm yourself, you won’t always have a wand with you to do everything and it’s hardly right to depend on it. Give it a try, it’ll be something new. You can’t call it boring without even trying, darling.”

I was trying to find answers to questions I didn’t know, how would swordsmanship help with that? How would I ever explain it to him that a sword could never be a weapon that could harness my knowledge of the possibility of a certain future.

Moreover, what I didn’t understand is why would he want me to arm myself? Was he trying to prepare me for the war without telling me about it? Maybe it would help in the war, it wouldn’t hurt for sure.

They exchanged a look before my father laughed and said, "What are you thinking so hard about darling? You look positively uncomfortable with the idea, don’t worry nobody is forcing you to-”

“I suppose I could try it, but if it’s as horrible and boring as we hear, dad, you’ll let me leave won’t you?”

“Of course, darling,” he said, staring upward, thinking, for longer than a minute and then he said, "I don't remember having said no to you for anything, or forcing you to do things, so why would I now, Little mouse?"

**Chapter**

"Father! Are you going to Diagon Alley soon? I wanted to buy a few things." I called running into the living room before he could leave.

"So you've decided on how to spend the money then?" He asked, surprised. I'd never before asked for specific things that I wanted rather than needed. My brother was different in that regard, he always had a new toy in mind or a demand ready for every opportunity. I'd never felt the need of anything other than what was given to me. I liked to think of myself as a low maintenance child.

"Not all of it, of course. I just want some journals, ink and books." I said.

"Aha, preparing to solve the purposelessness with full force, it seems. Of course darling, we'll go this Sunday itself." He said, tipping his hat in place and wiping his boots clean on the mat before he stepped into the fire, taking the flu to work.

I didn't know what to do with all the information I had and had easily called my lack of direction with it 'purposelessness' as an explanation to my parents. They had taken it to heart and weren't going to let it go easily. 

The day went on as any other, my tutor had come to continue with my classes as usual. Earlier both Gurgie and I used to take our alphabet and magical theory classes from him but he'd outgrown him early on. I on the other had decided to use my time and indulged in further arithmetics and muggle sciences. Learning from tutors wasn't something all families did but mine had decided that a solid foundation was required before I start my formal education and hence Mr. Greenwood came every afternoon, leaving Sundays, since 5 years now.

I had hardly realized how time had passed after lunch as I continued to write out the chapters as I remembered them. My handwriting cramped from corner to corner and with little distance between my lines. I was trying to use as little paper for as many words as I could manage, since I wouldn’t get the new journals till Sunday. 

Harry’s life slowly unscrambled in mind forming a sequence that I'd forgotten. Number 4 Private Drive was only the beginning and his struggles would eventually only increase. All the emotions associated with this precious person, who was still fiction, came rushing back. Even though I was here in the very same world and I'd seen Gurgie receive his Hogwarts letter, my heartbeat quickened when I re-wrote about Harry receiving his. As I wrote about his first encounter with chocolate frogs, the Leaky, Gringots; all these moments felt like my own memories. 

Father was back and we ate dinner in silence with only but a few exchanges between my mother and him about the newly elected chief warlock of the Wizengamot. It was her career goal, before she became a mother, to join the Wizengamot and eventually climb up the ladder towards the position of chief warlock. According to the Prophet, Dumbledore was rather irritated by the position and said he'd only kept it for the lack of better alternatives to himself. My father was persistent that my mother restart her career and eventually find her way towards taking this position from him, if he disliked it that much. 

Remembering the future roughly I knew it wasn't going to happen, except for maybe that one year where he was removed by the ministry.

I'd actually started to flip through the Daily Prophet myself. I’d found where my parents had stored the old papers and had begun to use the pile. It took me ample of effort and I had to physically pinch myself to gain back the concentration after every few lines. It was the most boring new hobby I'd tried to inculcate in myself. I had figured a simpler way out, of skimming the headings and looking for particular words, but that was only after I'd read my initial 50 papers. 

For the night, I was left with the torture of my thoughts and determination of a mission I hadn't quite figured out. Would I change things about the future to a different one than Jk Rowling? Or was that too dangerous? Was it even possible to do such a thing? Did I even want to change the future? Everything works out well in the end, in her version.

I had no reason for the feeling of impending doom that was stuck to me, but it was stuck and I lay awake thinking about it, feeling it with utmost clarity.

  
  


#  **Chapter**

"Wake up Ernie, it's 8 already!" I heard my mother call out.

Sleep was drawing me back to itself and before it could, my blanket was stripped off of me.

"You have asked for 5 more minutes 5 times now. Up, up-up-up. Quickly now." She said.

My eyes still half closed, I rubbed them instinctively. My mom sat on Gurgie's bed with a glass of milk and a newspaper.

"Come on now, go brush your teeth. Then you have a letter to write." She said, snapping her fingers. "Quick, quick."

Lazily I walked towards the washroom and did as I was asked. As the minty paste began to take its effect on my teeth, the realisation of what today brought with it dawned upon me. The acceptance results had to come today and even though I’d applied and agreed to go, it was hardly something I was excited about. 

The existence of Arthur-Merlin’s classes were common knowledge, and yet no one knew what they actually entailed. There were hardly any accounts or articles circulated on the topic, most witches and wizards had seen that as something that deemed them boring. They’d also established that magic was much superior and such muggle concepts of physical defence, like swordsmanship, weren’t really needed in the wizarding world. If I were to tell someone at Hogwarts that I’d attended Arthur-Merlin’s training, it would have the equal effect of telling them that I owned a toad.

I walked outside and sat on bed, my legs hanging loose from it. I took my glass of milk, out of habit, and quietly began to sip on it.

"Here's your copy of The Daily Prophet." Mom said as she handed today's newspaper to me. Why would she give me the newspaper? I looked up at her in confusion.

"You could have asked instead of sneaking into the attic for the, darling. I was only trying to shelter you, and clearly there is no point." She paused assessing the effect of her words, "Is this about You-Know-Who then? Is that what’s bothering you and making you feel purposeless?” She asked, searching my eyes. You could see how it bothered her, the fact that she couldn’t completely shelter me anymore from all things Voldemort.

Her worry was natural and I knew that already. There was always something she was worried about when it came to us. But she had never confessed to it, but her eyes said so much that she never needed to either.

My time here in this world was a short span of only 9 years, yet. But I'd been blessed in those with the most loving family. I'd always thought I was produced by the 2 most perfect people. They had always been patient, calm, understanding, and happy most important of all. It was almost as if my life were fairytale, in a land where magic was real and they were my happily ever after. Very rarely did they let me in on worries and wars of the world.

"Come on now, open the letter. Let's see what we have here." 

I did as asked.

_ Miss Ernaline Dawn Brown, _

_ This letter is to inform you of your acceptance into Arthur-Merlin’s Academy Magical Swordsmanship. All trainees are required to report at the stone circle of Sherwood Forest in the training uniform and to carry only their wands with them, 6:00 pm sharp. We look forward to for you to learn the craft with us. _

_ Please find your training schedule enclosed, they start from the 15th November. _

_ Instructor Thomas Merlin  _

  
  


"A wand? Does he not know that I’m only 9? And Thomas Merlin? Isn’t Merlin dead?” I asked.

  
  


"Merlin, Ernie! He’s his ancestor, of course. Now, your father is all showered and set to take you to Daigon Alley right away instead of Sunday. You can ask him about the wand situation, so get ready, fast. And don't take much time! He’s waiting since an hour now" She said, leaving me to it.

I took a quick shower without letting myself think too much about the mention of the wand. But irrespective, the thought of the use of a wand for swordsmanship didn’t make sense and further more, me owning one only seemed like a joke.

"Daddy dearest! When do we leave?" I screamed as I zoomed out of my rooming bumping right into him.

"Well, now is as good a time as ever. You've sent that letter, confirming?" He said, taking my hand as we started to make our way towards the door.

"Mom sent it." I told him, “So are you really going to buy me a wand, early?”

He only smiled.

\---------------

Daigon Alley was almost empty, unsurprisingly since it was only a Wednesday. We first walked to Flourish and Blotts. 

"Good afternoon, sir," I said, facing the manager as we entered. The wooden floor beneath me creaked on my first step, and I sneezed to the overwhelming smell of parchment.

"Bless you," said my father and the manager in unison.

"Anything I can help you with?" The manager asked.

"Can I have 7 journals, your largest size and leather bound. Also a bottle of ink and a few rolls of parchment, please? I want to see if I like any books, I don't know which ones I want."

He gave us a soft nod as we began to look around.

"Seven?" Dad questioned.

"Actually, eight please. I’ll need one extra for notes." I said.

"You're buying journals for your entire education?" Dad asked, a tiny laugh escaping him.

"I-" I almost started to explain how there are seven books in the series and I needed to rewrite them all, but then paused and decided to not say anything instead.

I quickly made a list of books I thought would be helpful, made the payment for our purchase from my saved silver and left the shop giving our thanks to the manager.

I continued to hop, alternating my leg every time one got tired, as dad led the way.

"Come on now get inside," he said, leading me towards Ollivanders shop.

I stopped him right outside the door and said, "I’m nine, are you sure? What if I blow you up?”

“Ernie, you’re the only child who doesn’t want a wand as early as possible," he laughed, as we went inside the shop and the bell at the door tinkled.

I had never come here before and looking at the piles and piles of boxes, which most definitely contained wands, sent a wave of excitement through me despite the nervousness. The peach fuzz on my arms rose up, as though on full alert.

"Good afternoon Mr. Ollivander, sir." I said out loud to get his attention.

"Good afternoon, young miss," he said appearing right in front of us. He must have apparated. With salt and pepper hair, and slightly hanging skin, he seemed to be middle aged. He bent forward from his hip, looked from above his glasses warmly and welcomed us inside.

"My little miss here, is looking for a wand," said my father, opening his palm towards me.

"Aah, a rather young age for procurement of wands. But I'll let you in on a secret, the younger you are, the better the wand. Of course there are safety issues and such involved," said Mr. Ollivander, as he let his tape measure lose on me. 

Safety issues? 

The tape went on to measure my arms, hands, legs, and probably the distance between every 2 points on my body. It tickled as it slid down my back measuring my length from above downwards.

"Dad," I whispered. "You're buying me a wand! Are you sure? He said there are safety issues!"

Before he could say anything, Mr. Ollivander pulled me to the desk to test out a wand.

"Beechwood and Dragon core, flexible. Nine and half inches. Try this one." He told me, handing me the wand.

Before I could even try to flick it, he snatched it back.

"Ebony and Phoenix core, 7 inches."

"Mahogany and unicorn hair. 10 inches"

"Maple and Dragon core, 8 and a half inches. Whippy, this one."

He announced each wands identity, handed it to me and snatched them back as soon as I attempted to flick it.

"Mhmm, interesting- very interesting. The wood doesn't feel right" He said to himself and started pulling out various new wands.

He gave me three wands to hold and flick together, but snatched them back immediately as well.

"Oh yes, yes of course" He muttered, looking rather please with himself.

He disappeared into the back of his shop and got a long black stone box with himself. He took out a rather peculiar looking wand, and as he did a rich floral and woody smell spread and hung in the air. Handing it over to me, he said, "Sandalwood, core of Phoenix feather, Dragon heartstring and Unicorn hair. 11 Inches. Crispy flick and absolutely 100% inflexible. Don't know what my grandfather was thinking when he made it. We don't usually use Sandalwood, its too unstable in usual cases, this being the only exception."

I couldn't take off my eyes off from the intricate carvings on the light coloured wand. I flicked it and as I did all boxes of wands started to float around us. They gently moved in a spiral, downwards as though they weigh only as much as a feather.

"Oh, here it is miss, your wand has found you," said Mr. Ollivander, taking the wand and boxing it back. "Peculiar. Peculiar. It's the oldest wand in my shop, thought its never going to find its wizard! A wand of all three cores! Powerful wand, this one. A little too powerful, maybe. Could make a squib into a wizard. Not to worry, not to worry, you're the master now, little miss. Wand is only as powerful as it’s witch.”

He took out his own wand and swished it muttering a spelling to put the boxes back in their place.

"Now remember dearie, once you start Hogwarts, no magic outside school and till you start Hogwarts, none without adult supervision." He paused to change his focus from me to my father. "Underage wands can be issued, but sir I'll have you sign these parental consent papers. The ministry makes a fuss otherwise," said Mr. Ollivanders handing over forms for my father to fill.

Once my father was done filling the form, he handed us the stone box, engraved with 'Ollivanders: Makers of Fine Wands since 328 BC'. I noticed how every other box in the shop was made of thick cardboard with nothing written on it, except mine.

Father paid him, for which he bowed gracefully and low before vanishing.

"Come on," said dad, "Let's go."

The bell chimed behind us as we stepped out. The wind was cold and crisp, and we walked the street upto the Leaky Couldron.

"So, what was that about?" I asked.

"Sometimes I wonder if you're really just nine, " said dad. "Let's sit at the Couldron and get some Gillywater."

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Chapter 8**

We sat in one of the parlour rooms of Leaky Couldron, it was private enough but father did the Imperturbable charm anyway. He ordered a glass of Gillywater for me and a butterbeer for himself.

I sat across him, chin resting on my palms, elbows on the table and waited for him to actually start talking.

Our order was served and as soon as it was, he picked up his glass and said, 

"What are you thinking?"

"I am trying to figure out why you’re doing this. I can’t imagine you being okay with me having a wand, Hogwarts is 2 years away! Is it the war? Voldemort maybe?" I squeaked, slurping some Gillywater. One look at him and I knew he was neither expecting me to use the dark wizards name nor did he like it. His face drained of colour and usually composed man was on the verge of losing his calm.

“Not his name Ernaline Dawn Bro-“

“ I read it in professor Bagshots article, it's not the name that is tracked but the fear associated with it. I-I'm not scared of him." I said. I was almost guilty, I had almost forgotten how real the terror of Voldemort was. I knew how it all ended, but the world didn't know that already.

"Okay," he said, taking a sip of his drink.

"You're still worried." I told him, shuffling my legs under the table.

"Of course I am," he said. "My daughter isn’t scared of the dark lord I’m trying to protect her from. The very same one who’s going around killing people like it’s nothing."

"She doesn’t want to be scared?" I sighed. My gillywater was almost jelly like today, unlike on other days when they water it down to meet the demand and it tastes like plain water, but green.

"I'm not asking you to be Ernie. But it’s definitely not good to be fearless when you’re not equipped to face someone. You have to understand that he is powerful and he is a threat.” he said letting on some of his irritation in his voice, but he was still calm and composed.

"He is most definitely powerful and I know that. I’m a child and I know that too. He’d avada me and I won’t even get to know. I just don’t want live in a fear of that when it’s not even looming on my head directly." I said. My father hardly knew how to respond, clearly not expecting me to say the things I’ve been saying.

"Aren’t I going to Arthur-Merlin's so that I'd be able to better defend myself?"

"You knew that I suggested it because of that?" He asked, leaning back into his chair.

"My child brain slips right into my throat every once in a while, daddy, but that was quite obvious." I told him.

My father was a simple man with a simple life. He worked hard, ate, slept, had a good laugh with his friends and took care of us. That's all he practically did and I was making his simple life very complicated.

"Your child brain," he laughed. "Darling you are a child, but I'm starting to realize that your brain doesn’t work like that of one."

"So do I get to keep it, the wand, always?" I asked.

"Yes, but there will be rules."

"So you're not mad at me then?" I asked.

"Have I ever been mad at you, little mouse? So, let’s get your robes for your training then? And I can teach you some basic spells for defense, of course."

"You could teach me some Healing spells too," I offered. "Mom has always been great charms and transfiguration, I'm sure she'll help. Mr. Greenwood can continue as he will!"

"Come on, we’ll get late."

After purchasing my new robes we walked back home, exchanging some of our views on the current situation. The more I spoke about it with my father, the more real it became and even though things were going as I needed them to, it didn’t feel quite right.

My wand was tucked in my robes, the smell of sandalwood calmed my nerves and agitated them at the same time. My new possession had bought comfort, being a shield of sort and also greatly disturbed my mind with the responsibility it came with.

I thought again about my wish to already be an adult. Is that what it felt like? 

I wish Gurgie were here. He would just hug me, indulge me in a game of quidditch and that would make everything better.

  
  


#  Chapter 

  
  


It had been a month since our visit to Diagon Alley and the purchase of Wendy, my wand. My parents had decided to tutor me themselves first and see my capability for themselves before throwing me into any other tuition or class. To their utter satisfaction, I was as average as average gets. I had been reading on divination, healing, occlumency, charms, potions and whichever other thing my father decided would be helpful. I had also progressed on rewriting the Harry Potter books, and for that, the first thing I learnt was a concealment charm that couldn't be undone even by a revealing charm. It almost took me an entire week to get that right.

I learnt that not only was my concentration span short, but I found that spells and curses were actually not as easy to perform as they looked. I was, still, eager to learn. Potions and charms came more naturally to me but at the same time I was an absolute disaster at transfiguration, occlumency and divination. But at least the past month taught me that I had a long way to go, a lot of effort to put before and more importantly, my weaknesses. Weaknesses, which I had a lot of.

Targy, our tiny barn owl, sat at the window before me waiting for me to give him the letter to deliver. 

Once I concluded the letter for Gurgie, I quickly folded it and gave Targy a treat before I let him deliver the letter. It was a short one, knowing he's not going to reply as he hadn't to my previous, countless letters this month.

I tucked my wand in my inside the pocket of my robes and got up to find my tutor. It was almost noon and he'd apparate here, any minute now.

"Ernaline, are you ready," Mr. Greenwood said, appearing in his dark olive robes, right in-front of me. He was only my tutor but my parents were paying him extra now to babysit me through the swordsmanship classes, at least for the first few ones. He was always happy to help.

"I am, but I just realized I don't exactly own a sword." I told him.

"They didn't ask us to bring one. Come on, you'll be fine." He said, extending his hand for me to take so that he could disapparate both of us to the grounds of Arthur Merlin.

"Mum, we’re Leaving! Colloportus!" I said, flicking my wand, before I took his arm. I'd been finding reasons to practice magic and I had to make sure our doors were locked before we left. The best part of Mr. Greenwood filling in as my guardian was that I could freely use my wand and magic under his 'supervision'.

Taking his arm and going through the nauseating process of disapparition, I found myself in the Sherwood forest, surrounded by numerous, tall Oak trees and thick moss lined on the forest floor. The trees had left the forest air smelling sweet with a slight hint of vinegar. 

We followed a trail through the forest, and in less than a five minute walk we found ourselves in a clearing, facing a stone circle. It was rather dull looking and hardly anything about it was magical. The tall grey rocks stood erect in an imprecise circle with a large stone placed in the centre and a sword protruding out of it.

"Is that the actual Excalibur?" I asked, excitedly, pointing at the sword thrust into the stone in the centre.

"Yes, it is the very one," I heard a deep, woody voice behind me. Turning around, I found myself facing a wizard. He was short, with cherry auburn hair and wore the typical swordsman's attire; a sleeveless cross-chested robe and his wand hanging on his belt. His arms were an adequate display of his brawny physique, rather even the muscles of his face were taught and defined. His posture erect and the way he looked at you, it would almost seem his vision could pierce through you. He was hardly be a little over double my age.

"You must be Miss Ernaline Dawn Brown," he said. His voice was almost emotionless. "I'm Thomas Merlin, I'll be teaching you the craft."

"Oh, good afternoon sir. This is Mr. Greenwood, my tutor and guardian. When can we start with the lessons? I don't have a sword, yet." I asked.

A grin slowly appeared on his face. "Of course you don't have a sword, yet. You can't just get one at the store, miss. Have you ever seen a store selling one at Diagon Alley?"

"No sir, I haven't," I answered. Then where on earth will I get a sword from?

He pulled out his wand and as his grip came firm onto it, it transformed into a long silvery metal. It was a single edged sword continuous with its hilt, almost like a very long, thin butter knife, but one which is sharp. 

I jumped at the site and exclaimed, "Merlin's beard! You transfigured your wand! But that's impossible. How can you use magic on your wand without your wand?"

"I don't keep a beard and I prefer my first name," he said, with a straight face and in absolute seriousness.

It took me a minute to understand that he was, in fact, Merlin. I’ll have to control my tendency to swear in his name. 

"Very few happen to be interested in our line of craft these days, quidditch happens to be more fashionable and the few who do, run right back when they realise it's not just swinging the sword that you need to learn. I'm afraid, swordsmanship is much more about magic, transfiguration, and learning the proper channeling of magic. It takes years and years of practice and concentration and not everyone ends up actually mastering it." He paused, letting his gaze linger, "So I'll ask you now, and only once. Are you sure you want to do this?"

"Was that wandless magic? And you could teach me how to transfigure my wand into a sword? Really?" I asked again. I came here looking to learn a form of martial arts to impart a feeling of security for myself, to my father. But this was much more than that. 

"Of course, I'm sure. More than ever." I said, eagerly.

"Well then, we start now," said Thomas, extending his arm to guide me inside the stone circle.

I started walking inside through the passage between a pair of stones, but every time I did I was repelled back as though I hit a wall. 

“Did no one tell you what you were getting into? You think you can just walk into the stone circle  _ Merlin created himself _ ?” Asked Thomas, before he entered the circle he spoke of. That was his only instruction.

After hours of repeatedly trying to enter, urging my instructor to give me a clue and failing to achieve either, I sighed almost giving up. I’d tried spells, incantations, I had tried physical force, rather I’d even made Mr. Greenwood try his own set of spells, knowing my knowledge was limited. But nothing had worked. I was exhausted being hit by the wall, maybe a hundred times, to a point that I had broken a sweat in the chilly month of November.

With a sigh, I decided I’ll try one last time. I took in a sharp breath and walked towards the circle, waiting to be defeated and bounced back by the invisible wall, yet again. Surprisingly, this time I had walked right through it, feeling the wall gliding on me, as though it was a veil. The temperature inside the circle was higher by many degrees, it almost felt as though I’m indoors even though I was in the middle of the woods. Even after the warmer surroundings, I felt a chill run through me, down my back. I shook my head and let my eyes examine the area closely, but found nothing out of the ordinary.

What had changed this time? 

“Good,” he said, waving his hand in an outward motion; a reaction that I did not understand.

“But, sir, I don’t know how I did it. I almost gave up.” I asked. 

“Well then try again an figure it out,” said Thomas.

I did as asked, rather multiple times but had no idea what I was doing. I wanted to know and urged my instructor again.

“This was a lesson.” He said sternly, “Sometimes, accepting defeat against an unmatched opponent, is the best thing you can do. Other’s are quicker to quit and win this test. It’s nice to know you don’t give up easily, but it would do good to remember that Merlin, time and destiny aren’t worth running against. I asked you first thing, if you could just walk into a stone circle Merlin created himself, isn’t it? Did you even stop to think the answer was simply no? Don’t think you’re going to be spoon fed here, child. I’m explaining this today, and that’ll be the only time.” 

“I’ll pay more attention sir,” I said, defeated. I was used to one on one attention, but never had I ever been subjected to a tutor so stern. Most of them saw me as the child I was and never did they expect me to be better. 

“That’ll be the only way this will work. Now your first rule, the only time you are to use your wand is when it’s in the form of a sword. Second, listen to everything I say. Third, what you learn inside the stone circle cannot be reproduced to anyone till you complete the entire course and you’re an instructor yourself. Fourth, the most important rule, no books or note-books are allowed and you are not to read anything on the subject I teach until I ask for it. Fifth and last, I’m no professor, or anything of the sort, only Thomas.” He said in a single breath, with his arms crossed behind him and eyes focused sharply at me.

Hardly processing the information, I only nodded. Don’t read on the subject? Why not? The more I tried to understand what the man wanted or who the man was, the further away I found myself from the answer.

“Good then, let’s start with your second lesson. Make 5 balls out of mud.” He said, backing away and leaning onto the central stone.

With every word he was uttered, my confusion only densed. I didn’t know any spells that I could use to reshape mud. Even if I did, I had no idea how to do wandless magic since I wasn’t allowed to use my wand. I didn’t quite understand what he wanted me to do, but I didn’t want to give up either. 

So I decided to make the mud balls the only way I knew how, by hand. 

Five irregular balls lay before me, in a span of two minutes and I stood up facing my instructor ready for another one his absurd replies.

My instructor, for the first time, was only looking softly at what I was doing. 

“I’ve made them,” I told him. It was true, I had listened to all his rules and his instructions and did what he asked me to. Now even if I didn’t use magic he couldn’t really say anything to me, because technically I has done it.

“Okay, well, see you tomorrow then.” He said, as he abruptly decided to walk me out. Leaving me with Mr. Greenwood, Thomas vanished, before I could question the purpose of what we just did or it’s conclusion. I didn’t even know what I’d learnt or if I’d learnt something.

But even after all that, only my new instructor's words circled in my mind, ‘Merlin, time and destiny aren’t worth running against.’

I’d already seen Merlin's powers at the stone circle, I had no interest in meddling with time, but weren’t Rowling’s words a script of destiny? But could I really give up without trying?

I was taken back home, only to realise it was already ten pm and not only did I miss dinner but it was already my bed time. My mother threw the largest adult tantrum she could manage, about the lack of food in my tummy, with her left over energy after the busy day she had.

“So, now you’ll go about missing meals, young lady? Did that instructor of yours even stop to ask you for water? You keep this going and you’ll see there will be no Hogwarts for you!” She screamed, almost.

“Can’t keep track of your meals at home, what will you do if we ship you off?” She continued to mutter, as she dumped another serving into my plate to compensate for my late dinner.

After a long meal, a thorough scolding and giving a detailed account of I couldn’t talk about my ‘lessons’, I was finally allowed to go to bed and call it day. I hadn’t realised in the moment, but the entire process of being rejected by the stone circle and thrown on the ground multiple times was strenuous and caused every single muscle in my body to hurt. Even if these classes weren’t completely muggle, they made my body go through their kind of physical workout. Not just the workout but with the lack of teaching in the class I’d had, I would probably end up doing everything the muggle way.

As I entered my room, I found letters sitting on my bed. Gurgie had finally replied. 

_ Ernie,  _

_ Sorry I couldn't reply to your letters. I was given detention and my owl privileges were taken. I swear I didn’t do anything! It was a Slytherin who provoked me. Don’t tell mom and dad, please.  _

_ Snitch catcher, _

_ Gurhardt Brown _

Other than this one, there was a dedicated letter asking me not to take the new classes of swordsmanship and telling me how it was the most useless thing anyone could ever come up with. He’d written about his friends, and their explorations in Hogsmeade. Then there was his letter which mentioned his new ‘enemies’ and for most of the letter I laughed at the idea of anyone being Gurgie’s enemy, until he mentioned it was a NEWT year student, Bellatrix Lestrange.


	3. Chapter 3

I bent forwards to examine the sword stuck in the rock carefully, it was interestingly thinner than parchment and if you looked at it, up close, you’d realise it’s almost translucent. I had removed my shoes, feeling the grass under my feet, moist and cold, as I moved around the rock, noting the intricate design etched into the hilt of Excalibur.

“Brown,” I heard from behind me following a crunch of boots. I turned around to find my instructor, Thomas.

“I didn’t expect to see you here early,” he said.

After Thomas abruptly ended the class yesterday, I had tried to process and understand the point of it throughout today, with no conclusion whatsoever. I was already annoyed, but having to wait in the circle for more than an hour before he appeared, agitated me beyond measure. 

“Early? Sir, you’re the one who’s late! I’ve been here for an hour!” I said, letting my voice reach a pitch I myself wouldn’t want to hear.

“Today’s class was scheduled at 7:30 and not 6:30. Come on now, let’s start with-“ 

“There are no classes scheduled at 7:30, I remember the entire time table!” I said, cutting him before he could ignore my complaint again.

“Remember the schedule?” He said laughing, “Are you a muggle or something? It’s a magical schedule, for Slytherin’s sake. Didn’t anyone ever tell you how it’ll change if I reschedule?” 

“I-uh, I didn’t know,” I said, uncomfortably straightening myself. I almost wanted to tell him how I’d never dealt with schedules before and how was I to know how they worked. But not wanting to further my embarrassment, I refrained from it.

“Right, then. Let’s start with some questions and then we’ll get to the important stuff. Say the first thing that comes to your mind. What is magic?” He asked.

“Uh, a sort of energy that muggles don’t have?” I said, sounding confused. 

“How do you use magic?” 

“Some use a wand, some can also practice wandless magic. It just sort of happens I guess.” 

“What are the laws of magic?” He asked.

“Uhh, it can’t exactly create but only Modify. Gamps law!” 

“What do you know of swordsmanship?”

“Nothing.” I said, truthfully.

“Hah! I think I love uneducated witches and wizards.” He said, “You didn’t really know a single answer did you?” 

His delightment at my lack of both confidence and knowledge was disturbing and left my cheeks flushed with heat. The topsy-turvey ride that his actions and reactions put me through was mentally draining. It was hard to know what he meant, it was even harder to understand who he, as a person, was. I didn’t know what to expect and prepare myself for, but always felt the urge to prepare for whatever he’d throw at me.

“Right, back to meditation then.” He said, sitting down cross legged in his usual position. I copied him sitting across him.

We had been doing the same thing for more than a week now. ‘Empty your mind’ he’d say and like for all other things, that would be his only, single, instruction for me. He wanted me to deduce the conclusion and way myself. His ways were irritating and absolutely ineffective until now, because Merlin knows I had no idea about what was happening or what I was doing.

I sat there, closing my eyes, I thought, ‘Blank mind, blank mind, blank mind’ on repeat and imagined a plain white background in order to clear it. I had no idea if what I was doing was right but after a week of struggling with the concept of meditation and questioning its need in my life, I had finally given up and accepted this technique I’d created. All I usually achieved was to raise my anxiety thinking about how I wasn’t able to do anything.

“If I gave you a glass of water and asked you to empty it, what would you do?” He asked.

“Drink it.”

Every day he did this, he’d find a new question, absolutely unrelated to what we’re doing and then slip back into his meditation, which came to him so easily. Everything about this man frustrated me.

But picking his clue, I tried to relate emptying my mind to emptying the glass of water he spoke about. I let my mind drift and let the thoughts flow, as though they were fluid as water. I started from thinking about what’ll be for dinner and ended up thinking about if Arthur-Merlin was worth it. A million thoughts linked the two in between,they might have been more important but in that moment they were already forgotten. 

I’d now started to think about the sword I was previously examining, it’s intricacies and perfection. How the golden hilt was meant for a pair of large hands and the groves on it looked smooth, as though used. The blade, double edged, sharp, thin, deadly and yet so beautiful that it looked alive. How the moonlight was dancing on the metal, oh it was magical. It was hypnotising and calming, and it pulled you towards itself with power that I couldn’t understand. Almost as though, if the blade were bare from the front, I would gladly let it run through me. 

I would have liked to examine it further, maybe pull it out to have a look, if Thomas Merlin hadn’t appeared. With the thought of the man, and my inability to figure him out, a sigh escaped me as I let my eyes open. His cryptic nature felt like an itch on your back which you couldn’t reach to scratch.

“You could actually hold up for two minutes, must have done something right this time, Brown. Maybe we can finally start with the actual transfiguration if you keep going.”

“Two minutes? Thomas, I have been doing this since half an hour.” I said.

“You’ve been trying to do this since a week and you’ve finally managed it for two minutes. You focused on a single thought. I am curious though, what was it that caught your mind?”

“We were trying to focus on a single thought? I- well I did end up thinking about Excalibur. But why didn’t you just say so?” I asked, now genuinely wanting to know why didn’t he straight up say it.

“If I would have told you then I would have had to take the credit for it, Brown. Now Excalibur’s a good point of focus. Anyway, tomorrow we start practising this on your wand, so that you can have your own sword to  _ focus _ on.”

  
  


####

It had been a month since my first class at Arthur-Merlin’s, and I had not learnt even how to hold a real sword. It was my own fault really, since I had not yet learnt how to conjure one. I had used my wand as a primary focus for my meditation and even though my concentration had increased from a minute to ten, I hadn't yet achieved the degree of concentration which would let my magic flow into it to modify it, without any touch or spell.

After I’d demonstrated my frustration on multiple occasions and almost decided to quit following a tremendously long, frustrating and failed session of meditation, Thomas had actually consoled me. Don’t get me wrong, he wasn’t being nice nor did he ask me to stay, but he had let it slip that it took him a year to conjure his own sword and that was consoling for Thomas’s standards. 

I had even started to get more and more proof of the truth in Rowling's words. Names of death eaters were showing up in Daily Prophet, Moody was the new hot-shot Auror with the highest catch rate. Grindelwald was killed in his prison by Voldemort. 

Gurgie was going to return home today, for his Christmas break. After receiving his disapproval for my new hobby in every letter he wrote, I was almost glad that Thomas didn’t give me a Christmas break from ‘training’. Even though I was a livid mess when he’d told me that I wouldn’t be given any holiday except for Christmas itself, now facing my brother made it seem like the better alternative. Gurhardt Brown was nothing but an angel who had always only given my love and approval, and the idea of even a slight amount of judgement from him was something I couldn’t digest.

“I’ve been religiously meditating and doing whatever other tasks you give, but can’t we at least do something a little bit related to swords? Even fake swords would do.” I asked, suddenly getting up from my meditative seat since I wasn’t able to concentrate anyway. I faced Thomas who had a grin plastered to his face, like always. 

“Well I’ve been waiting for you to ask, really. Took you long enough, Brown.”

I rolled my eyes letting them look into the back of my brain. I didn’t even need to ask to know that this was another one of his lessons, that I wouldn’t be given something without even asking for it. After this month, which seemed like forever, I had sort of started to get the hang of decoding the mysterious hints he’d leave for me, but nevertheless they were still as frustrating.

He took a fallen branch, wandlessly transfigured it to a wooden sword and handed it to me. He made it look so easy that my inability to do the same felt much more bitter.

I held the make-believe sword, pointing it straight up and swished it side to side, even though I had no idea what I was doing.

“I like how your first step to learning something new is to pretend that you know it. But for this, Brown, unfortunately you’ll be given direct instructions by Marjorie. I’ll be taking the magical lessons and she’ll be dealing with the fencing part of your lessons. Most of them anyway.” Thomas said, producing his own sword.

“Marjorie? Who’s that?” I asked. I let my wooden swords tip pierce the forest floor and leaned 

“Marjorie Arthur is someone who doesn’t like people who do  _ that _ with their sword.”

“Marjorie Arthur? As in King Arthur’s descendant? She’ll teach me?” I asked. The excitement almost leaked from my voice.

“Well of course, it’s called Arthur-Merlin for a reason. Now come on Brown, let’s start with what’s the most boring and she can take it from there tomorrow.” Thomas said, lifting his sword with both his hands and pointing it towards one of the stones.

“Notice my feet, see how I’m taking the stance. Try it yourself.” 

He had his left foot forwards, bending a little and I didn’t quite understand what he did with his right. I copied him nonetheless, and uncomfortably stood in that funny position and until he started to give short commands.

“Letting your feet be solid on the ground is smart, but it also has to be comfortable. Balance your body first, distribute your weight on your feet.”

“Yes, yes good. Don’t keep your back so stiff and straight, bend forward a little.”

“Not that much, oh dear.”

“Yes yes, that will do. Very well then, pick your sword and point it straight like I am, let your elbow be at a comfortable angle.”

I’d found a decently steady position to stand in but it was hardly as clean as Thomas’s  _ stance _ . I’d never heard the word before but deduced it’s meaning by the action I was being taught.

“Now what?” I asked eagerly.

“Now you stand. Holding your sword up. Just feel it’s weight, and feel your stance and tweak your position a little to find the right one. 10 minutes.” 

“10 minutes, bloody hell! Sir, Thomas, that is torture. This thing is heavy!” I exclaimed.

“Oh it weighs nothing compared to an actual sword. Now hold up.” He said. 

The only thing that stopped me from further retaliation was the fact that he himself was standing and doing the same as he asked of me, even though I am sure It didn’t take as much effort for him as it did for me.

I could hardly manage a whole minute but Thomas insisted that I do it for 10 minutes at least, taking as many breaks as I needed.

“Can’t you always be as clear with instructions as you were today? That was refreshing, even though the stance and stand was an absolute  _ pain in my arm _ !” I said as I was being escorted out of the stone circle after half an hour of the tiresome exercise.

“Never,” he said, with a soft smile. “How would that be fun at all? Torturing my only pupil is the way of my life. Happy Christmas Brown.” 

“Happy Christmas, Thomas,” I said, right before he disapparated.

####

Reaching home, I shut the door behind me as I removed my muddy shoes before they could dirty our carpet enough for my mother to give me  _ the _ look. 

A tired sigh had only just left my mouth when I heard my brother's sharp voice reverberate through our house. “Ernie! You’re home.” 

He jumped the last three stairs with a thud, while running down from our room and ran to take me into a hug. 

“I missed you so much Gurge!” 

“Oh, Merlin Erns, you’re sweating. I don’t even understand how mum and dad let you come home so bloody late. It’s after 8! They didn’t even let me stay up beyond that time, at some point.” He said, pulling me further into the house. 

“Quickly take a shower and then let’s eat. We’ve been waiting for you since forever. I was thinking we can even open our presents early, once mum and dad are asleep!”

I’d hardly ever imagined a Christmas eve like this one. When everything wasn’t perfectly Christmas-y or dad wasn’t acting like an excited Santa, but he was tired because of his late shift at St. Mungo's. Mom had made a lovely dinner and Gurgie had decorated the tree to the best of his ability, but it was nowhere as beautiful as it used to be when dad helped him.

“Is- is that a wand Ernie?” Gurgie asked. I had showered and changed out of my robes into my pajamas, and now that my wand wasn’t in my waist belt, it was on display jutting out of my side pocket.

“Yeah,” I said, sounding confused. Didn’t he know that I had a wand? Didn’t dad write to him?

“Father, mother! Why have you bought her a wand?” 

Gurgie’s unhappiness was clear in his tone, and I could feel blood rush to my face and neck, as a consequence of my own embarrassment with my brother’s reaction. I sat at the dinner table, quietly and let my mum explain how the swordsmanship class had demanded me to have a wand. Then my mother also, abruptly, mentioned the war. 

“Gurg it’s important that your sister learns to protect herself, you know the situation the wizarding world has found itself in. We’re all facing a war, in which participation isn’t a choice. We’re in it by default of being witches and wizards, we better be capable of surviving it.” She said.

“So why couldn’t anyone just tell me, if you were buying her a wand. She’s my younger sister! I ought to know.” 

My father had let himself remain quiet, unsettled with the conversation in a way he wasn’t when we had the same one at Leaky. I wouldn’t blame him, Gerhardt Brown had failed to see the point and the fact that he was being spoken to about the war and he still focused on how I’d received my wand too early was concerning even to me. 

I took the last bite of the sleigh shaped tarts that mum had made and asked to be excused.

After today’s class every muscle of my body and especially my right arm were hurting, but what was really bothering me more was how Gurgie was upset.

####

It was Christmas and the only gift I wished for was an extra scheduled class to get away from Gurgie’s reaction.

I woke tired and went about following my morning routine, putting an extra half an hour to meditate since I didn’t have any training today.

“What are you even doing? Taking an extra nap after showering?” Asked Gurgie, finding me sitting by the balcony door with closed eyes. 

“Nothing, I uh, was just sitting here taking in the fresh air.” I said.

“Whatever, you’ve been acting weird Erns. Anyway you should know, I’ve spoken to dad and come to the conclusion that it’s important for you to have the wand with the war and all. So you can keep it, I mean, even with the bloody stupid swording that you’ve been doing, you can keep it.” 

“I can keep it? What does that mean Gurge? It’s my wand of course I can keep it! And it’s not stupid! I like it.” I said, getting up and facing my brother, irritated with how he thought he could give me permission. 

“Of course! If it would just be for that embarrassment of a sport, I would have snapped your wand into two. You’re my sister, of course I have a say in what you do and how you do it. If you’d have gotten that sword already I would have found a way to break it as well.” He said. I had looked at him for approval, always, it was always important to me because he is important to me. But when had that become into him dictating me? 

Gurhardt wasn’t very bright, but he knew very well what a wand meant to each wizard or witch. I hardly paid attention to anything he said after that, letting my eyes pool with hurt that he’d let me feel. My own brother was ready to  _ snap my wand _ in half. Breaking someone's wand was an act almost equal to stripping them of magic. 

The rest of my Christmas was spent sulking in different corners of the house, hiding from my brother. My father had found me and tried to explain Gurgie’s reaction but since he didn’t understand or support it himself, it proved to be an unsuccessful endeavour. 

Christmas gifts had come in and mine was a jar of sherbet lemon pops, which I half emptied, hiding in the store, sniffling.

####

26th December had never felt as relieving as it did now as I’d finally found myself in the Sherwood Forest, waiting for my new swords-master, away from the critique and opinion of my brother. He’d thrown another fit before I’d left, pretending he could control me and stop me from coming here. He was thinking about saving himself from the embarrassment he would face when his friends at Hogwarts knew what sort of activity I had indulged in. He had actually attempted to pluck my wand out of my belt, only my father decided to finally voice his opinion and asked him to behave. 

Dad then apparated me to the forest trail and left me to find my way. He had initially been keen on walking me to and fro everyday, and even waiting for me but Thomas had ensured my safety, telling him about all the security charms he’d placed and how this part of the forest was under his family’s protection.

As I approached my destination the image of a lady doing some kind of a dance became clearer. She swept and twirled in soft, swift movements almost as though she were gliding in and out of the circle. The nearer I got, the better I could see that it wasn’t a dance she practiced, it was her slashing on the stones with her sword taking quick and smooth steps in and out. 

“Hello, Miss Marjorie?” I inquired stepping into the circle.

“Oh hello dear, Ernaline? Isn’t it?” She greeted me with a warm smile and hug, which almost felt weird after dealing with Thomas who’d never do such a thing.

“Oh don’t be shy, that Thomas has rubbed off on you hasn't he? He works in a funny way, that man.” 

She had to arch her neck down, at an uncomfortable angle, to be able to look at me properly. Her blonde hair was tied in a ponytail, which fell straight till her mid-back. She flipped her sword and held the hilt so that the blade doesn’t point towards me anymore.

“So how was Christmas,” she asked, walking back into the circle.

“Uh, it was fine.” I said.

“Fine? Oh, Slytherin, what was so morbid that happened to make it fine? Christmas is not supposed to be fine, it’s supposed to be marvellous!”

Realising that I didn’t want to talk about it, she added, “Well, well, I assure you, today will compensate for it.”

“Come on now, let’s take out your sword. Let’s start.” 

“I haven’t managed to transfigure my wand yet. Can you please transfigure an extra for me? That’s what Thomas did.” I said, disconcerted with my inability.

Marjorie only laughed and said, “That Thomas forgets to tell people, it almost feels like he does it purposely. I’m a muggle dear, I can’t transfigure. I can give my spare sword however, that one’s a no maj though.” 

“H-how? But you just, you cursed in Slytherin’s name! I thought..” 

“Salazar Slytherin is Merlin's Ancestor. I follow the art of Arthur, of course I know everything there is to know about Slytherin. Brilliant man really.” She said as she pulled the blade from her bag, much shorter than hers and handed it over to me. 

“You think Slytherin, as in the person Slytherin, was nice?” I asked, bewildered. Whoever I’d met had always told me otherwise. I was told how he was the creator of discord and how it was the worst house to be in. Even though I didn’t have a particular grudge against it, the image that had been created in my mind was always negative.

“Well, I don’t know about nice, I am sure he must have had his flaws. But I know he’d had to take difficult decisions like segregation of the muggle world and wizarding world with only a few exceptions, like my own family.” She said, matter of factly. Before I could disagree with her she continued, “In his time, muggles were brutally killing witches and wizards, and muggle borns were safer with muggles rather in the wizarding society. Even though the other three knew that, they still didn’t want the political discord and hate. It’s a complex decision which after centuries the wizards have established as the International Statute of Wizarding Secrecy, realising its need, finally.”

“Oh,” was all I said, realising that I’d always looked at him as someone who’d practiced a form of racism segregating the two societies, but it wasn’t precisely that.

“Really, I mean, I am a muggle and training a witch in magical arts. What do you think, Ernaline?” She said with a wink.

“Now we start with the dance first,” Marjorie said, placing a black cube next to Excalibur. She fiddled with the cube and the buttons on it for minutes before it started to emit a loud hissing noise.

“Dance, ma’am, I’m here to learn swordsmanship.” I said, sounding confused and continuing to stare at the hissing box.

“They’re one and the same! Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. That’s a cassette playing, the box you’re staring at. It can produce music. Just give it a minute and it’ll be pleasant.” She said.

Soon she had me following her, doing steps, hops, jumps and turns, but with a sword in my hand. The box of music had really worked and as she had promised I had thoroughly enjoyed and found myself completely immersed in the activity. She explained how it was important for me to get used to the weight, length, effect of the weapon I carried for me to be able to actually carry out a duel.

In an hour's time we’d progressed to doing those particular steps going in and out of the stone circle with every alternate stone and touching the tip of the wand to the point she had marked on the stone. She hadn’t taught me how to attack or defend or even hold the sword right, my steps were hardly accurate and I’d probably even tripped on turns a number of times, but I felt more accomplished than I ever did.

  
  


####

Gurhardt Brown buckled his trunk after stuffing the last of his things and putting his rat in his robe pockets, buttoning it so that only his head popped out. It was almost time for him to take his Hogwarts express and my parents were about to apparate him out.

“I’m sorry Erns. I wouldn’t ever break your wand, I was just pissed cause no one told me.” He said, pulling his trunk out.

“I thought mum must have told you.” I told him plainly, watching him, “You said a lot of other things as well.”

He only nodded and soon he was taken to the platform to take the train for the next Hogwarts term.

####

The train left, again. Gurhardt Brown had left for his second year at Hogwarts after a very long summer of back and forth between us. We fought tooth and nail for everything, it was probably at par with the war that would come to pass. The change in our dynamic didn’t settle well with me and he hardly seemed to notice it throughout the summer.

I’d halted rewriting JK Rowling’s books a few chapters into book 5, since he’d started asking too many questions about them. I sat and at my desk scribbling away the memories of words etched in my mind permanently.  _ Chapter 9, the woes of Mrs. Weasley, _ I wrote.

As the chapter neared its end and Moody had started listing out names from a photograph of the original Order of the Phoenix, I mindlessly added them to the list of people who would die in the war, till I reached a name I couldn’t pen down.

Edgar Bones.

_ “That’s Edgar bones...brother of Amelia bones, they got him and his family too..”  _ Moody had said.

Edgar Bones, a friend I’d always had and I’d practically grown up with. He is family. 

The distance I’d felt from the others and the war, abruptly closed, and it was suffocating. They weren’t just characters anymore, they weren’t just casualties of the war. 

My body physically didn’t know how to react to the death of my only friend. Even though he was still alive, the death that future would ensure left me feeling equally empty. I stared and stared at what I’d written till the words became hazy with the moisture in my eyes. Tears streamed out of my eyes but no sound escaped me.

I hadn’t seen Edgar in a long while, especially not after I’d started with my training and gotten busy with it. 

I had to do something about it, I had to tell someone. I had to stop it from happening. The urge to scream the truth or even just run into my mother’s arms for comfort was  _ intense _ , to say the very least. It was taking everything in me to not act on it.

“Ernaline,” I heard my father call out for me.

“Yes dad!” I said, controlling my snuffles and wiping the tears off my face. I quickly closed the journal and let it slide into my wooden piggy bank drawer, where I’d been hiding all of them.

“It’s time for your class darling, let’s in five minutes?” 

“Alright, I’ll just be out.” I said, moving to clear my stuffy nose and washing my face to hide the evidence of my mourning.

“Deep breaths Ernie, deep breaths.” I told myself, letting the colour of my nose fade enough to normal.

I fastened my belt through the side slits of my robe, attaching the wand holster to it. Wordlessly, father apparated me to the start of the trail. “You want me to drop you in Erns?” He asked, looking at me suspiciously.

“No, I’ll walk by myself. See you after class.” I told him, letting go of his hand.

“Okay, you can tell me whatever that’s bothering you, we can even cancel the class if you want to?”

I declined his offer and put on the most convincing smile I could, to relieve him of his worry.

###

“You can hardly concentrate, Brown,” said Thomas, midway through our meditation. “What is it?” 

“I-it’s nothing.” I said, my voice faltered and I was at the verge of spilling.

“Oh come lady, I’m not daft.” He said unfolding his legs, straightening them and leaning back on his hands.

“My- my friend, he’ll-“ I sobbed, “He will die.” 

“Oh? Does he have a fatal illness?” He asked, sitting up, again.

“No, I mean. I mean he’ll die in the future.” 

“Well Ernaline, we’ll all die in the future, you know. Me too. I don’t see you crying about that.” He said, with his over dramatic gestures and feigning disappointment.

“Yeah, but I know he’ll die, and how. I don’t know if I can do anything about it. I can’t even produce my sword, how will I even defend him if I have to? Hogwarts is only a year away and Thomas you know I don’t know anything.”

“Is this about You-Know-Who, Brown?”

“Sort of,” I said, my voice was still weak.

“I worry about it too, so I’ll tell you that your concerns are well placed.”

“You? But you’re amazing!” I gasped, “Not amazing but you know… very good at this, and magic and everything really. You could beat them easily.” 

“I’ll tell you a secret Brown, you remember when I said I love teaching uneducated kids?” He asked me.

“When I made an utter fool of myself?” I said, surprised that he’d bring up a further embarrassing memory in my state of misery.

“You actually didn’t, you just didn’t know that you were right about almost all of it.” He said.

_ “Right, then. Let’s start with some questions and then we’ll get to the important stuff. Say the first thing that comes to your mind. What is magic?” He asked. _

_ “Uh, a sort of energy that muggles don’t have?” I said, sounding confused.  _

“Magic is an energy which muggles can’t access. True, it’s also a dimension, we ignore that part often. You were half right.”

_ “How do you use magic?”  _

_ “Some use a wand, some can also practice wandless magic. It just sort of happens I guess.”  _

“You couldn’t have been more accurate about the use of magic when you said ‘it just happens’. Magic for us wizards is structureless and so fluid. Full of potential, which most don’t realise. Rather, wands and such were brought into existence so that there is some structure and they could bring in regulations.”

_ “What are the laws of magic?” He asked. _

_ “Uhh, it can’t exactly create but only Modify. Gamp's law!”  _

“Magic can’t create things out of nothing, truth. You’d wonder how we  _ create _ water and fire, but we don’t really. It’s just summoning it.  _ Augmenti  _ connects you to ocean depths for water.” He explained.

_ “What do you know of swordsmanship?” _

_ “Nothing.” I said, truthfully. _

“I have seen so many students, my brothers, Marjorie’s students. Myself even. None have ever dared to say nothing. Everyone always made up something.”

_ “Hah! I think I love uneducated witches and wizards.” He said, “You didn’t really know a single answer did you?”  _

"Thomas, I'm not ready for Hogwarts for another reason. I don't know how to be okay with all my potential friends being dead at the dark lord's hands." 

"Ernaline, we're all going to die. Do you know if you'll be able to outlive them? Voldemort exists because he fears death too much, don't let yourself become him." Thomas said, "Now come Miss, let's get on with the practice." 

"Thomas, I," I paused contemplating how much of the truth could I tell him. "I think I'm a seer."

Thomas chuckled but after seeing the seriousness on my face, his eyebrows came together and he said, "What makes you think that?" 

"I umm, let's see. Barty Crouch Sr is going to Azkaban instead of becoming the minister, very soon now." 

"Azkaban? That's a big claim and a very precise claim, Erns. That's not how prophecies work." Thomas said, still glaring in disbelief. 

His claim wasn't false, but he'd not completely disregarded my belief either. He waited for an explanation. I didn't completely understand the situation myself. But to say that I read a series of books in a previous life. My previous life which was somehow in the future and I've remembered them since my birth didn't sound like something even I believed myself, completely. 

I brought my knees towards me, hugging them and resting my chin between them. "I never said it's a prophecy. I just know about certain events. I've always known, my whole life." I said in a whisper, unsure if saying it is the right thing or not. "I don't know how much or even who I can tell these details to. But I don't know what to do about it either." 

Thomas looked at me, unsure of his own thoughts. His composure now serious, questions glistening his eyes. How would I ever be able to explain my memories from my future muggle life? 

"All logic makes me want to say that what you're saying is impossible but, Miss Dawn, I've learnt that with magic and practice, that nothing really is so. You can always tell me, though nothing about my own life. But I'm not sure how much I'll be able to help you."

"I don't know anything about you. So that shouldn't be a problem, but what good would it do? You said it yourself, don't play with Merlin, Time and Destiny." 

"You remember?" Asked Thomas with a small smile, "Let's see what we can do, Ernaline Dawn Brown. So tell me." 

I knew that some events mentioned in the books were about to take place and being an eleven year old I wouldn't be able to do anything about it. Reluctantly, I declared "Okay, but you'll have to make an unbreakable vow first." 

With that I gave a summary of the books, from Harry's first year to his last. The story of his parents, the killings, death eaters, horcruxs and about Edgar. I had never,  _ ever _ , seen Thomas be actually disturbed, shaken or confused about anything else before now. 

We spent not only the day but the week, the entirety of it, discussing the events I'd laid in front of him. 

"And let's not tell anyone else for now?" Said Thomas Finally. "If you really think Hogwarts is a bad idea for you, you can complete your education here. Arthur-Merlin is registered with the ministry to certify students upto 4th year, since you have to take your OWLs and NEWTS from the school itself. We can get the transfer arranged with Dumbledore." 

He didn't only understand the need for me to learn more and fast but also how detrimental would it be for my mental health to know, live and grow up with all the people I know would die, become death eaters or how they'd fare in the war. It was something that had bothered me since the day I realized the reality. 


	4. Chapter 4

“Pick up speed, Ernaline,” commanded Marjorie. “Timing, distance, perception. You’re letting go of all three, come on come on.” 

The smell of sweat soaked steel hung heavy in the air, I guided myself towards my next target, slashing the boulders and obstacles on my way. I felt the magical energy in front of me, bright and clear. According to my perception it was roughly twice my swords length away from, taking steps towards it, sword at the ready I slowly examined the threat. 

“You also have magic, don’t act like a muggle, Brown! Learn to use your advantages!” Screamed Thomas, his voice came from all directions and I couldn't place him. That was odd, but I ignored the man so that I could concentrate on the actual target instead of getting distracted and attacking him.

Nearing the source of magic I had now found myself with the biggest challenge: should I attack or not, but before I could decide, I felt the magical signature closing the distance between us. I was going to be attacked. 

Taking my defensive stance I steadied the blade in my hand. "Protego," I said as I felt a ball of heat, probably a curse, approach me. 

My feet automatically moved backward in cross steps and my blade was now behind me. 

I calculated how much distance would I need to precisely launch myself at my target. The plan was clear in my mind: 6 steps backwards, make a shield, confuse the opponent and make it think you're trying to run away, take a leap at 40 degrees towards them, and curse. 

Of course, things don't always go according to plan and I knew that very well. I was prepared when mid-launch a disarming curse, a cruciatus and a splinching curse was sent my way. 

“ _ Incarcerous _ ,” I muttered as I let the blade channel my magic and hit the entity. Finally having it. 

“Not a bad one, you can remove the blind fold.” 

I untied the stinking, soaked blind from behind me, slowly letting my eyes adjust to light. Today’s drill had started at 8 in the morning and it was already noon with the scorching summer sun above.

I found Thomas, still bound in my spell, stuck to the ground before me. 

“You were the magical entity I was chasing?” I said, surprise laced in my tone.

“Will you release me already, Dawn. The task is over.” He muttered, still looking smug as ever.

“What if I don’t? You’ve been literally annoying me since more than a year and a half now. If you would have told me it’s you I would have rather used the jelly brain, or maybe even a finger removing curse!” I said, amused at the sight. I was glad that Thomas was my victim, I’d probably even feel bad if it were anybody else. Probably not though, if someone else had freely used the cruciatus curse on me, I would have done much more than bind them. Thomas and I however had an understanding. I needed to know how to defend myself, even from the unforgivables. 

“See I’m the only magical entity around here who’s willingly going to let you practice on themselves, so you better get on with unbinding me. Don’t act like a kid now.” Said Thomas, innocently.

“How in Salazar Slytherin’s name have you forgotten that I  _ am _ a kid. Only fifteen remember?” 

Letting my sword back into my wand and back into my holster, I muttered the reverse spell and let Thomas Merlin free. 

“Wandless, huh? This was a little tough for Wandless. You’re getting better.” He said, as we walked back towards Marjorie.

“Can we go to Diagon Alley and buy my Hogwarts books?” I asked, looking at both of them. 

“I’m free for the day,” said Marjorie, looking at Thomas for his response.

“Yeah, no, I have a life.” Thomas said, imitating my voice and the hand actions I, apparently, constantly do. “You’re the only ditcher Miss Brown, we almost always agree to plans. Come one now, I’ll apparate us there.”

In the past five years, Thomas and Marjorie had become more of my friends than my instructors. Even though they'd done a decent job of training and educating me as well. Calling Thomas a friend took a little more time than Marjorie, but eventually, even with all he did to agitate me, I did. 

I can still remember his stoic face when I'd pulled my wand out into a sword after 11 months of practice. He'd casually mentioned how it wasn't a big deal since he knew I'd be able to do it at some point. That coming from Thomas, was the biggest compliment ever. He never gave me any advantage of being a child, but he never failed to reinstate my lost confidence either. 

As I collected my books and equipment and reached my robe pockets to take out my silver, Marjorie stopped me. 

After making the payment herself, she said, "That drill was rather successful. Congratulations on passing the level, Ern." 

"What? This was a test? Bloody, Thomas! You can't miss out on important things!" I squeaked, letting my fist land on Thomas's stomach. 

"And what would you have done more differently? No, no. The randomness of it was a part of the test." 

I rolled my eyes at him. Sometimes I couldn't differentiate if he actually did things just to annoy me or were they actually a part of my lessons. I still remember him trying to teach me occlumency without telling me he was because no one who was using it against me would tell me either. He just invaded my mind, as if that was the most normal thing to do. 

He had a deluded sense of boundaries and I, inturn, had developed some of the same. It took my mother and father many, many conversations with me to re-establish the concepts of personal space in my head. 

"Well, then Mr. Merlin you could have at least told me  _ after _ I'd passed it." I said, still glaring. 

Thomas swatted the back of my head playfully as we entered the Leaky. 

"Anyway, how are we going to continue now? I leave for Hogwarts in a week. I've only passed 9 levels of magical swording." 

"Well, you'll be practicing meditation and some drills by yourself and you're definitely coming back for Christmas. And for other subjects, Hogwarts is apparently supposed to handle better than him. But, I'm sure Thomas will owl you often enough to conceal some of his cryptic lessons." said Marjorie, snorting a laugh. 

"Ha-ha. Thomas is the last person who'll be owling me." 

"Well, thanks for the confidence in my friendship Ernaline." 

"Friendship? Are you actually admitting that I'm your friend? I mean I've hardly known you to call anyone except Marjorie one. But Ernaline, the child?" I chided. 

"Oh, come off it, Dawn. You're the one with the ego, not me. We've never treated you like a child, why start now?" Thomas said. "Anyway, I'm going to give you a shit tonne of homework before you leave, you better go and prove that Arthur-Merlin's is bloody brilliant and better than the shit they teach at Hogwarts. I've arranged some schedules you'll need to follow with your studies for the sword practice as well." 

"You do realize that you've had to teach me one on one? Of course that would have better results. And even if you didn't give me schedules, it's not like I can go without practice anymore. It's almost like I'm addicted." I said, pausing to take a breath before I change the subject to something I was actually interested in. "But Thomas, what will you do now? With all the extra time. I won't be here." 

Marjorie shot me a look before shifting her attention back to her plate of Banger's and Mash. Marjorie was someone who'd always say what's on her mind and this being something she'd warn me against saying, made it seem like a bad idea. 

"I don't know, I'm still thinking if I want to take another student or not. I wanted to travel some, maybe take a friend with me." Thomas said, now directing his full attention to us. "I have my brothers and Marjorie in the name of friends, so that won't be much fun." 

He shot Marjorie an apologetic look and continued, "You have been my partner since literally my whole life and I love you, don't hate me for saying it, but we both know we need new friends. But you Dawn, you're my first pupil, surprisingly more mature than most kids your age and even adults and as an added bonus, you do funny things. If, hypothetically, I take a new pupil, they won't be as entertaining." 

"Thomas Merlin, even if you take a new pupil and for even if this new kid is the most brilliant, no one can replace me!"

"Exactly what I'm afraid of," Thomas blurted, curtly. 

I let a smirk plaster my face and said, "Are you saying that I'm your only friend and you'll miss me?" 

####

"Ernie, darling it's time! We need to rush to the station!" My mother's voice beamed through the house. 

I levitated my luggage as I walked down the stairs. Since I'd gotten special permission to use magic outside school for my special education, I thought I might as well use it to my aid. Even though by now he was used to it, Gurgie shot me a look as I descended down, but didn't say anything. 

We had apparated directly onto the platform nine and three quarters. The usual bustle on the platform was maintained, but never did I find myself feeling as chaotic and excited as the commotion on the platform. 

"Cahwel," someone called out. "Well, you could at least  _ greet _ your best friend." 

She was a thick, tall, woman, with jet black hair. A string of pearls clung to her plump neck. Her robes were excessively embroidered, beautifully but ostentatiously. She walked closer to us, even though her lips stretched from ear to ear, her face was devoid of expression. My mother apparently had a  _ best _ friend I had never seen before. 

My mother turned, her lips thinned into a line. "Walburga," she said with a nod, "Well, I wasn't sure if my  _ blood _ was good enough for you,  _ Wally _ ." 

My mother's remark left Walburga's smile faltering and me with goosebumps on my skin. Walburga and my mother were friends? 

"Don't pretend you don't know and understand the reasons for my choices. I would do anything to protect my family." 

My mother laughed a small laugh, pulled me closer and said, "I know them Wally, I don't understand them, however. We all had the same choice to make. Anyway, these things don't matter anymore." 

Before we walked away from her Cahwel Brown said one last thing to her friend, "Walburga, I'm just scared that your choices may backfire and do the exact opposite. But I hope I'm wrong, for your sake." 

The Bones waited for us at the other end of the train, once we caught up to them, we said our goodbyes. I was never more thankful for Edgar's existence, since going to Hogwarts after everyone else in your year had already made friends would have been a nightmare otherwise. He and I boarded the train. 

Father had sat me down explaining things I never saw coming. I thought he'd ask me to be careful and not indulge in the nefarious activities that take place at Hogwarts. He did say those things but additionally he also told me all the secret passageways he knew, he told me he trusted me to only use them ' _ for good'. _ It was his way of making up for the years I'd lost from my Hogwarts experience. He told me he was my friend and should I ever commit murder, he'll come help me hide the body. It was a little dark, but sweet. 

Sliding the only half empty compartment door open, Edgar and I took our seats and he introduced me to the new faces. 

"Hi, I'm Ernaline!" I said, extending my arms out. 

A boy and a girl sat there, both judging from their expressions they weren't friends themselves. 

"Filius Flitwick," the boy squeaked. 

"I am Lucinda Talkalot," said the girl meeting my extended arm with her own. 

"Would you like some sugar quills?" Asked Edgar, pulling them out of his bag. 

"You're a new student?" Asked Filius. 

"Yeah, I was sort of home-schooled up until now. Just joining this year."

Once we got Lucinda Talkalot started, she remained true to her name and didn't leave a single opportunity for anyone to stop her. She babbled about the houses and how she was sure she was going to be in Ravenclaw but ended up in Slytherin, about quidditch, about the great hall and the amazing elf made food. Salazar Slytherin himself couldn't ask her to stop, and I certainly didn't mind the prattle. She was excited for my first day as though it was her own. It was a welcome distraction without which I would be over-analysing my mother's exchange with Walburga. 

Flitwick was quite the opposite and rather happy that someone was doing all the talking for him. 

With expectations of dementors, lost toads, death eaters, or some unforeseen event occurring on the journey, I sat alert throughout. But to my utter disappointment, nothing happened. 

The carriage took us directly to the castle's main entrance, where all of us first years already huddled together. Everyone from my year directly entered the castle to gather in the great hall. I, however stood there in confusion waiting for instructions. 

"I'm James," said someone and took my hand to shake it ever so lightly. "Are you lost?" 

There was a hint of excitement in his voice. 

I could feel my face lose heat as I looked at him, James Potter. James Potter whose death was certain. He was only an important character I loved, from a fictional book, till a few minutes ago and now here he was. A very real, very handsome boy with an innocent glint in his brown eyes, stood right in front of me. Death was all I knew about him, but he was so  _ alive _ . 

Thomas's words about every death being inevitable rang through me, and with that I was also reminded of Edgar's death sentence. 

Pulling myself back to reality, I smiled. 

"Uh, hi. I'm Ernaline. I'm joining as a fifth year student so I'm not sure if I should wait with the first years to be sorted or not." 

"Minnie is going to be here. Don't worry she'll tell you. So what House do you think you'll be in?" James asked. 

"Uh-" I started, "Um, I'm supposed to be in Slytherin, but I’m still not convinced if that’s the right choice."

"Padfoot, did you just hear that?" he said, laughing as he pulled his friend, standing next to him, in for support. "I think irrespective of where you land we're going to be great friends just because you agreed to that, mate." 

The boy, who I knew to be Sirius, pretended to tip his invisible hat and told me we’ll see each other around. I still didn’t know how I felt about this interaction, but before I could get overwhelmed Professor McGonigal’s voice beamed. She directed me, along with the first years, towards the great hall for the sorting. 

No matter how vividly the hall was described, seeing it in person left me mesmerized. Even after living in the magical world it felt unreal. It felt as though the ceiling extended right up into the sky. The clouds hung in there, however they didn’t completely block the stars. Floating candles lined the hall and the thick golden walls had an intricate design etched into them. 

I was the first one to be called for the sorting. 

"Ernaline Dawn Brown," announced McGonall. 

Even though onlookers would call my walk confident as I walked straight from between the house tables to the chair placed at the front of the hall, only I knew how jittery my nerves were. It was my own sorting and the fact that everyone looked at funnily, wasn't helping. 

I felt Dumbeldore's eyes linger on me. I tooth a deep breath seating myself. 

The hat was seated on my head and as soon as it was, it's prattle, which I'd expected, started in my head. "Oooh, Merlin's beard! Aha, makes sense. The books, oh genius! But are you certain? Even after training under his name for five years you want to be sorted in Gryffindor?”

I was obsessed with the house of Godric Gryffindor. It was the only house I’d ever imagined to be in, but Marjorie and Thomas had changed my ideas about Slytherin in the past years.

“Not sure anymore, are we?” Asked the Hat with a chuckle in my mind. “Hmmm. Should I put you in Ravenclaw instead? Merlin, you're not naturally smart. No offense, Miss Brown."

I rolled my eyes at Hat's comment and muttered a curse under my breath. Yes I wasn't a born genius, but I'd been working my arse off since the past six years and I probably knew more than the rest of my year. 

"Aah, I think I have my answer then. SLYTHERIN!" 

The cheering was loud for everyone, but it just sounded much louder when you were the one it was directed too. My face was flushed with heat. I walked in rabbit steps as I found my way to the Slytherin table and sat myself down next to Lucinda Talkalot, the only Slytherin I knew. 

"Why would you choose Slytherin?" she whispered in my ear. "I told you Ravenclaw was better! That bloody hat tricked you too didn’t it?" 

I smiled at her, taking her into a small hug. 

I turned to find a skinny girl, with dark blonde hair walking towards the Ravenclaw table. "Pandora Maestro," McGonagall had called her. 

Severus Snape, a tall boy with jet black hair greased together, the fourth year prefect who was assigned the duty of showing me around, sat across me. Scratching his head he simply introduced himself. He turned to find someone sitting on the Gryffindor table. Following his gaze, I found a girl, her thick auburn hair covering most of her face but even from the distance her green eyes stood out. 

"She has pretty eyes," I said, my gaze matching Severus's own. After a moment when he realized he was being spoken to and the discomfort with my remark became obvious on his face, he only grunted in response. 

"Welcome! Welcome to a new year at Hogwarts! Before we begin our banquet, I would like to say a few words. And here they are: Zowzy! Biggly! Gimble! Do enjoy the feast!" Dumbledore's voice vibrated through the hall as the sorting ended. 

The Hall filled with snickers and giggles, the spoons and plates clattered. It had only been 5 minutes and the new students had already started judging the other houses and passionately praising their own. 

Lucius Malfoy was swallowing each of his bite with a goblet of water. My neck hinged to one side as I continued to glare at his antics. He was supposed to be an example of the elitist, pureblood candidate for The Dark Lord's army? 

My expression must have been disturbing enough since I heard a chuckle followed by someone muttering, "Mate, at least try to act like a human. Brown's disgusted by you already!" 

We were taken to our dorms and the Slytherin head-girl, Andromeda Black shouted out the rules to all first years and me our way to the dorms. Severus walked next to her but left the talking to her. 

We reached the bare stretch of stone walls in the dungeon. "Frog skulls and muggle ones melt with acconite," the prefects shouted the most ridiculous password and a passage revealed itself. The common room had a green hue to it, complimenting the dark wooden furniture upholstered with leather and the skull lamps that floated above them. The artwork, the carpets and even the air in the room seemed extravagant. A wall was dedicated to all the house cups they had won over the years, and a proud alumni, Merlin, strutted in his painting next to the wall. I made a mental note to speak with him later. 

The curfew timings and dorm rules were reinforced as we were taken to the dormitories, each room was allotted two pupils. The room was littered with medieval tapastries, silk curtains, and floating lamps made of silver. The depths of the lake visible from the window, which tinged the room green.

"Look, there are merpeople outside our window! I've never seen them before." I said as Lucinda started to unpack her belongings. 

"Yeah I was very excited about that as well," she said, putting her clothes away. "They usually keep to themselves, though. The others put scratching charms on their windows to annoy them." 

We both stood at the window, in awe. Their fins swiftly moved, propelling them forwards. One of them, a tall female with weathered fins and loosely tied hair, caught our eye, moved in our direction. Startled, I took a step back, but Lucinda waved at her excitedly. 

After a mini staring contest with our new friend, the mermaid, we decided we're far too tired and needed to sleep. Knowing I'd have to wake up early for my practice and meditation, I didn't waste any more time and tucked myself in bed. 

The idea of making friends, of which most of them will die, left me with goosebumps, and a headache but the tears refused to come. Andromeda and Filius were the only names I'd heard today who'd survive the war, for certain. A knut worth of hope simmered in me. 

Thomas Merlin, my friend, you don't know how much your words have saved me. I noted in my mind that I must thank him and eventually fell into the abyss called sleep. 

#### 

Severus Snape waited in our common room, his robes clinging tightly to his body, his hair greased together, backwards. 

"Miss Brown," he called me, his voice icy and words crystal clear. "I don't have all day. Will you at least  _ attempt _ to hurry up?" 

Without any further warning he started leading me deeper into the dungeons. He attempted his best to walk fast enough to leave me behind, but to his utter disappointment, I was trained by Marjorie to be fast and precise with my footwork. 

"Professor Slughorn asked me to show you the troll-house for your  _ practice _ ." He said with disgust lining each word he uttered. "Remember the way, Ernaline, I won't be guiding you again. You're only allowed here either after classes or before them. Your drills will be Owled to you directly, apparently." 

My lips pinched unevenly and I breathed a laugh. Of course Thomas would find entertainment in subjecting me to practicing on trolls themselves and even that without any supervision. He'd been looking to get replaced as my practice target since years now. 

Severus showed me the troll-house, handed the keys over and then took me on an uncomfortably formal tour showing me the various classrooms, the greenhouse, the pitch, the castle grounds, the stone circle and our last stop, the library. 

"Sev," called someone from behind us, "What are you doing in the library on the second day of school? That's very unlike you." 

Severus's entire cold act dropped but he still tried to keep it together and said, "Lil, you're here yourself, aren't you? Anyway Slughorn asked me to give the new student a private tour." 

"Hi I'm Ernaline. You're Lil?" I asked, trying to sound surprised and pretending to not know her at all. 

"Uh- no that's just what Severus calls me. I'm Lily," she said, her face bright. "I hope he wasn't a total brood. He has the ability to come off as one." 

"Oh yes he  _ really _ does," I laughed, "I really thought Lil was your name. Couldn't imagine him calling anyone affectionately by a nickname, but then he did."

Lily only snickered and told Severus she'd rather take me around herself and make sure I actually know my way around. 

From showing me Hagrid's hut, the Whomping Willow, the edges of the Forbidden Forest, and the Great Lake (all places Severus found unimportant for me to know), to indulging me in her endless rant about how curious she is about all things magic even after 5 years of Hogwarts. She asked me about the Slytherin common rooms and dormitories. She blustered about how Hogwarts had changed her life, about Severus and Alice being her best friends. 

"You should be careful though, even though I love this place," she said as we walked back towards the castle, "There is this  _ frictions _ between the houses, between some groups of people and they can be quite irrational about it. You know about you hanging out with me and such." 

Laughing, I pulled her arm and linked it with my own. "Lily Po-" I hitched, almost slipping, "Evans, if they have a problem, they're immature gits. Ballocks to what they think. Besides it's not like I'm scared of them." 

"Hah! I knew you were different," she said, skipping a step and halting. "I have never seen  _ Potter _ taking a Slytherin's side and betting for rather than against them. No offence, I mean,  _ I _ don't have any anti-Slytherin beliefs and nor do I support betting." 

Wrinkling my nose, I faced Lily. "Betting? For what?" I asked her. 

"Hogwarts doesn't usually have late admissions and everyone's been questioning your prior education.Then you land up in Slytherin, and Gryffindor has a new potential enemy." She huffed. "Anyway, forget all that. You tell me about the other school, I'm so very curious." 

She spoke to me, heartfully, but she also listened very well. Her excitement and happiness was contagious. Her smile was alluring, to say the least. Every picture of Lily as Harry's mother dissolved in my mind as this girl in front me became more real as herself. 

I found it easy to get lost in her green eyes, wondering about their future. With every word she said, I felt more drawn to her and every time that happened I wanted to lay out every single truth about the possibility of her life playing out a certain way. 

I'd not been as heartbroken as I was now since the day I'd found out about Edgar's death. 


	5. Chapter 5

I slid into the bench and sat myself next to Filius. 

"You'll still sit with me? In public?" he said, lifting his eyes from the parchment he was scribbling on. "Slytherins don't like Ravenclaws, neither do they like half goblins. You want to be careful about that." 

"Here I thought you won't be so fast to generalize all Slytherins as giant snakes." I said, joking. I studied his expression, which grew tense at the realization of what he'd said. 

"I didn't mean it that way- uh sorry," Filius said, "Have you read for the class?" 

"Why on earth would I read for it? Aren't they going to teach?" 

"Well, you do make a point. But charms is just a remarkably interesting subject, I could never resist." 

A laugh escaped me as I shook my head. The knowledge of his future profession gave me joy for reasons I didn't quite understand. 

"I'll show you something," I said, taking Flitwicks stationary and putting a dancing charm on them, with a swirl of my wand. I could have done the same thing without my wand, but Thomas had warned me against doing Wandless magic in front of everybody. It would attract too much attention and that could never be good. 

"Blimey, Ernaline, how did you do that? This is amazing! There's no such charm in our books!" 

Filius Flitwick was the easiest person to cheer, all it took was  _ charms _ . 

#####

Following a long day I found myself stuck on a couch in our common room. My body ached from the training, which was further intensified, but my mind refused to settle enough for me to call it a day. 

The transfiguration homework, a two foot essay, sat before me. It was quite straightforward technically I should have known everything there is to know about it. However they wanted us to comment on the fundamental laws of wand magic associated with it and that posed as a huge challenge for me. Everything Thomas had taught me was quite opposite as what the reference books suggested. 

I decided to read the books, state the facts and comment on them, highlighting my own opinion of them. It was enlightening how the books opened my mind to an additional aspect of transfiguration, a subject I thought myself to be better at than most. Perhaps powering with Mcgonagall. I wasn't very far, however. 

"That's my seat Brown, didn't anyone tell you? Don't you know what happened to the last chap who sat there!" Called someone from above me. A shadow loomed over me as I slowly looked at him. 

"Well, of course  _ Wilkes _ , I'll move over," I said with the softest of my smiles. 

The large boy looked at me in an utterly confused manner and muttered, "Yes, yes, off with you then." 

I gathered my books and parchment and let them hover behind me. I then found myself and my work another seat, opposite Severus. 

Ten minutes after an intense session of, 'I'm going to pretend you don't exist,' Snape finally looked up and asked, "I didn't think you to be a pushover. You're better than that." 

I laughed. "Well, I could have easily taken him but what good would that be, Sev?" 

He flinched at my use of Lily's pet name for him, but remained silent. 

"He would have been injured. I would be in trouble. Most importantly, he would know I was strong and I would make myself a target. Bad strategy, I say." I continued. "Self preservation is key, isn't it? It's very Gryffindor of you to think I should have done something about it." 

Severus's expression faltered, immediately and his retort was at his tongue, but interjected before he could say much. "Don't say something you'll regret, Snape. Lily is a Gryffindor." 

The rest of my homework was done in peace, even though Snapes confunded eyes lingered on me for longer than I'd liked. 

"What are you even writing?" He prodded, again. 

"Well our transfiguration homework, of course." 

"Witch, your books are closed! Are you making your own theory?" 

"Precisely, Sev. Precisely." 

He pulled the sheet from my lap and scanned its contents. A chuckle escaped, "You're giving your opinion on proved facts? Nobody is interested in that Brown." 

"We'll see," I said. I somewhat agreed with him, but there was hardly much else I could write in the two foot long space. I had to fill it with something and I didn't agree with most of the other information in the books. 

####

As the classes progressed I realized how two of my best friends, Filius and Lucinda always studied for lessons the night before. Lucinda, then, used classes to socialize but Filius sat taking notes and revising what he'd already learnt. I, on the other hand, only listened in class, as we were supposed to. Thomas's instruction of no reading and learning everything in class had got me into the habit, but I realized that with so many children, the lectures ended up being very  _ dilute _ . 

Filius took it upon himself to tell me every extra bit he could about charms and Lucinda would fill me in about Astronomy. Professor Binns was quite proficient as a History of Magic professor and I was already much ahead in Arithmancy, Transfiguration and Defence against the Dark Arts. All in all, I wasn't worried about my O.W.Ls, even one bit. 

Severus's hate towards me had lessened as my interaction with Lily increased. Lily was putting all her time researching Magical History, the gaps created by it, and Voldemort's involvement in it, causing all the instability that the Wizarding World suffered from. Professor Bathilda Bagshot was called as additional professor to aid in her research, in secret. 

Edgar had been missing from my life since he'd made his own friends in the past five years. It wasn't like he purposely kept himself distant but he just happened to be busy with his own life. He would acknowledge my presence everytime we crossed paths, sometimes even checked up on me and I knew if I ever really wanted his help he'd be there, he was family. I, however, couldn't be more glad about that distance. No matter how much I loved him, his presence never failed to be a reminder for things I didn't want to remember right now. 

Anxiety and fear hit me in bouts everytime the future, death and misery of the people I'd started to care about became apparent. I always knew what was going to happen but there were only certain moments in time when that knowledge felt real. I reminded myself that everything would be fine if I stuck to the plan. 

Walking into the potions class, I realized I was the first one there. I quickly seated myself on my assigned bench and hung my bag on the side. I went over the essay I'd written for homework once again, knowing it was far from perfect. Even though practically I was taught much more than the Hogwarts syllabus covered, I wasn't in the habit of writing papers and giving theoretical exams. My education with Thomas had involved very little writing and almost no reading, though Mr. Greenwood did try to compensate for that during his lessons. My effort and dedication towards Greenwood's classes had dwindled towards the end, resulting in my current struggle. 

"Hey," I heard James call out before he seated himself on his seat next to me. 

We were partners in potions. He was initially hesitant about sharing the work-bench with me, a Slytherin, but he had soon found that I wasn't a pureblood fanatic and now he even joked about how the hat majorly messed up my sorting. 'Honestly, there are hardly any Slytherins in our year and maybe it was trying to balance it out,' He'd say, justifying our hanging out together despite me being in the house he hated and in peace at that. Some would even say that I was his first and only Slytherin friend. 

"How come you're early today?" He asked. 

"Early? Wasn't the class supposed to start like half an hour back?" I question, rolling the parchment in my hand back into a scroll. 

James gave me a confused look and checked his watch again before he answered, "Brown, the class will start after half an hour. I'm only here cause I hadn't finished my one foot essay and I needed to complete it before class." 

That didn't make sense. I was sure that the timetable said 2:30 and not 3:30. I slipped it out of my bag to check it again. 

"What is that?" James asked. 

"Our schedule, don't you have one?" 

James laughed almost an evil laugh, snorting he said, "Merlin Ernaline, who gave you that? That's clearly a fake! Is that why you've missed half the classes?"

What the bloody hell? Fake time table? 

"Snape gave it to me. What do you mean I've missed half my classes? That is insane, I've been attending them all with Lucinda!" I retorted, exasperated. 

"No I mean, you have taken a few extra subjects than her haven't you? McGonigal has been asking why you've been missing so many of her classes lately." 

I had a history with messed up schedules. I had once, in the past, not known how they worked and following that incident Thomas used to play with it, changing the time of the class four times a day, just to annoy me. 

Why would Snape tamper with my schedule, though? I was under the impression I could call him a friend, for now. 

"Don't worry, we'll get it fixed after class. I'll take you to Dumbledore's office and you can work out how you'll cover up the missed classes." Said James, scribbling on the parchment in a scrawl, in contrast to the beautiful font he had attempted for the first paragraph of his essay. 

Slughorn's classes were far from entertaining but the process of brewing potions had a calming effect on me. James wasn't half bad as a potions partner but he was always exceptionally distracted during class. Distracted by either his best friends, or Lily or by the fact that there were too many Slytherins he wanted to hex in the same room. 

"Sirius," he whispered as the class approached its end. "I'm taking Ernaline to Dumbledore. I'll meet you directly at quidditch practice, yeah?" 

"Why," I could hear Sirius ask James. "What did she do?" 

"Someone tampered with her time-table. Most probably Snivellus." 

"Why is it always  _ him _ ?" Said Sirius, out loud this time, shoving his books in his bag. "You'd think we'd have hexed him enough for him to stop messing with people." 

I rolled my eyes without looking back at them, they were half the reason why he messed with others and why he'll become a death eater, soon now. 'Why was I torturing myself by being his friend?' I questioned myself. 

'He won't always be a death eater, he might be handy once he's a double agent.' I reminded myself. 

James chirped gingerly on the way to the Gargoyle statues which led to Dumbledore's office. 

"You know there's a tunnel there, inside Filch's office. The trap door directly leads to the foyer outside the Slytherin common room," he told me. "This one time we were stuck in Filch's office when we tried to escape Slytherins who were after us." 

"By the way, you should ask Lily for the class notes for the classes that you've missed. They are honestly the best!" 

"I'm so excited for dinner tonight, the Friday menu is the best! You'll notice it too." 

James Potter didn't need to breathe, he could speak without ever pausing and never run out of things to say. It was sweet. 

" _ Pumpkin pasties _ ," he said to the Gargoyles, and the circular stone stairs leading up into the tower, revealed themselves. 

"How do you know the password?" I asked, earnestly. 

James was caught off guard, a little, by my question but he stumbled a reply, nonetheless. "Uh, my friend is a prefect, he needs to visit often." 

"Go on then, I'll see you in class," James told me before leaving.

Entering the headmasters office gave me goosebumps. The lines from the books automatically jumped into my mind. 

_ 'It was a large and beautiful circular room, full of funny little noises. A number of curious silver instruments stood on spindle-legged tables, whirring and emitting little puffs of smoke. The walls were covered with portraits of old headmasters and headmistresses, all of whom were snoozing gently in their frames. There was also an enormous, claw-footed desk, and, sitting on a shelf behind it, a shabby, tainted wizard's hat — the Sorting Hat _ .' 

The room was exactly how I'd imagined it from the description, maybe largely better than it. 

It felt like the words were coming to life, every eccentric bit described by Rowling was in front me. 

I swallowed facing the headmaster who was only softly looking from above his glasses and waiting for me to say something. 

"Good evening Professor," I said, taking a step closer to his desk. 

"Miss Brown, please take a seat. Do help yourself with the licorice wands!" 

Pulling out the timetable, and placing it in front of him, I explained to the headmaster how the schedules were messed up and some classes didn't show up. 

Albus Dumbledore picked up the piece of paper and inspected it's texture carefully between his fingers. 

"Ah, yes. Yes of course. I had removed half the classes from your schedule as per Mr. Merlin's wishes." He said. "He'd sent a list of objectives covered by him so that I could lessen your load and you could have extra time to practice the drills he talks about. Mr. Thomas is in charge of your schedule, you might want to take this up with him." 

"Oh," was all I could say. Why did Thomas always put me in a spot by not telling me things about my own life? 

"Is that all, then, miss?" Asked Dumbledore politely. 

Nodding, I got up to leave feeling stupid. But as I was about to take the stairs down, I paused to ask, "Sir, can students join the Order?" 

"I beg your pardon, dear?" 

"The Order of the Phoenix? Uhm - the anti Voldemort group?" I asked and immediately regretted it. What if it didn't exist yet? Oh Salazar, what have I gotten into. 

"Wonderful, wonderful name! Young minds are the brightest." He muttered, "But you must tell me Miss Brown, how did you find that I was gathering a group?" 

Did I just name the Order? Oh my. 

"Someone has to, it's only fitting that that someone is you." I told him confidently, "Besides Voldemort is recruiting from Hogwarts, and it would do well to have some people on our side as well." 

The old man's face seemed content with the half answer I'd given him. He however, waited for another long minute before for me to add something more to my statement. 

"That it would, my dear. That it would." He agreed, "But you're much too young and have much to learn. Come of age and we shall have this conversation again."

I left the headmaster's office, the stone staircase hid behind the Gargoyle with a clunking noise and as I stepped out, I checked the time table, again. 

"Constant vigilance, Ernaline! Don't get too used to these Hogwarts rigid time tables. Keep on your toes!" It said at the 4:30 slot. 

Thomas and his damn tricks! 

####

"Flitwick, you've taken Hogsmeade permission, right? This year we're going for sure! And you too, Ernie?" Asked Lucinda, as she picked a broom for the flying class. 

"I-I've never been before, but I don't mind," answered Flitwick. "I'll owl my mother to send it."

Polishing my own borrowed broom, I turned towards the two to say, "Neither have I. I've got the permission slip though. Lucy, all the pressure of making our first Hogsmeade perfect is on you." 

Hogsmeade weekend was at least a month away but Lucinda wouldn't take the risk of us not having permission. 

Even though I wasn't the best at quidditch, but, after coming to Hogwarts I'd realised I was still good enough to make the school team. I was okay enough, and without any other competition for the spot of the chaser, I'd probably get it. I'd only ever practiced seeking the snitch at home, but here I realized there was much more to the game than that. Lucinda however was an exceptionally gifted quidditch player. There wasn't a position she couldn't play, but for now she was stuck as a keeper. 

As I returned to the broom cupboard to keep my belongings before we started the lessons, my eyes immediately landed on something that peaked out of one of the other bags. An ordinary looking parchment, but the magical signature I was sensing from it was extraordinarily strong. The signature was fourfold of even the brooms which were spelled with powerful magic. 

" _ Accio _ parchment," I whispered with a swish of my hand and it immediately landed between my fingers. 

My heart beat roze, I was sure excitement was visible on my face when I read  _ 'Property of Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs' _ written in a beautiful lettering, at the bottom corner. 

I had the actual, real, marauder's map in my hand. Every bit of me reverted back to my original fangirl self. 

"Brown," I heard Sirius call from outside and I quickly tucked the map in my bag. 

"The class has started, mate. Come on, Slytherins won't let us practice if  _ all of them _ don't get to practice themselves," he continued, entering the broom cupboard. 

"Yeah, I'll just be a moment."

The class was long and important but the entire time my mind was on the piece of parchment hidden in my bag. I'd never nicked anything, I hated the idea of stealing, but how was I supposed to pass up the opportunity of having The Marauder's Map. I can just give it back once I have a look, can't I? 

"Hey, Ernaline," I heard Sirius shout from outside the class as I stepped back into the castle. "Wait up!" 

"Hey," I replied, my voice immediately cold. What could he want to talk to me about? Did he see me take the map? What will I even say to explain myself? Will he hate me? Maybe it's better if he hates me, maybe then I wouldn't have to constantly feel so horrible about letting him rot in Azkaban. 

"So how's it going?" Sirius asked, "Sorry you have to tolerate your house. Also sorry about the entire Snivellous tampering with your timetable thing. He's a right git, I tell you!"

Sirius Black stood in front of me. All I could think about was Azkaban, department of Mysteries and death. Death. Death. I had to shift my focus back to the present. 

Sirius Black, a Marauder, a teenager with a large chunk of family drama. 

I laughed before I said, "Sirius, I chose it. It's actually nice, besides I have Lucy and that makes up for it. And Severus didn't do anything, it was my own mess."

"What do you mean you  _ chose _ it?" 

"That hat listens to us!" I said, still chuckling, "I have it in proper authority that it listens to whatever you ask for. But I had a long standing grudge against Slytherin, it made the choice a little tough." 

"I- Oh," he said, sounding confused, "Let's walk to the great hall for lunch while you explain that?" 

"There's nothing to explain. I had a notion that Slytherins were a bunch of obnoxious gits and all of them had a mix of pureblood superiority complex and muggleborn hatred." 

"Well you were on the right track," Sirius said, in all seriousness he could muster "What got you off of it?" 

Laughing at his reply I explained how Thomas was a Slytherin and one of the best people I knew and why Salazar Slytherin himself had the notions he did. 

"I respect Salazar's and Merlin's mind, I respect their work. They're sort of my role models. I could definitely deal with ignoring some of the arrogant house-mates for being in that house." 

"Well at least we both agree that they're arrogant. I'm going to pretend you're my own personal spy on the inside. Only way we can be friends." He declared. He made sure I agreed to divulge secrets and make enemies of my own housemates if they fit the category of 'typical bad Slytherins'. 

"Your brother's in Gryffindor right?" Sirius asked. I had a feeling it was for the lack of better things to talk about. 

"Yes, but how would you know that? You're researching my family?" 

"Well, the entire house practically picks on him for everything. Especially about you going to Arthur-Merlin's and now you being in Slytherin." 

"They what? Gurg- I mean Gerhardt is bullied because of me?" I asked, my eyes wide and I was suddenly aware of my pounding heart. "But he never said anything…" 

I had fought with him through the last six years, I was saddened by his reaction but I'd never put thought to what he must be facing because of me. Guilt immediately washed over me. 

"Uh, he hasn't told you? Sorry, forget I said anything. Tell me about Arthur-Merlins, then." Sirius said, quickly changing the topic. 

"Uhm- AM's great. Something I'm very passionate about. Handy technique." I said, hardly putting thought to my words. "Um, Sirius, I'll see you later for dinner, okay? I think I need to talk to my brother first." 

I immediately set off in search of Gurge, abruptly abandoning Sirius without any further explanation. He stood there dumb-founded as I ran about looking for my brother. I found Gerhardt sitting alone at the farthest end of the Gryffindor table. 

It had been six long years for him. I sighed as I walked to sit next to him and served myself a helping of food. 

"Gerhardt Abster Brown," I said. My voice, cold and lifeless. Even though I felt guilty of being the reason he was alone, I was furious he didn't tell me and let things get so bad. I was furious that he channeled his anger on me. I was furious that the reason we had become distant was  _ this _ . 

The summers had become unbearable and I almost always ended up taking extra classes with either Mr. Greenwood or Thomas and Marjorie just to avoid my own brother. I had wept and wept in secret, more about Gurgie being alive but not in my life than about all the death that was to come. 

"Why are you here, you have your own house table. My friends will be here any minute and they won't like it." Gurgie said. The lie was effortless. 

"When were you going to tell me about the bullying? Is that why you hate me and my Swordmanship?" I said, looking up from my plate and to his face. 

"How, how do you even know about it?" Began Gurgie, "Well now that you do, you can just leave me alone Erns."

I stared at him incredulously and said, "I should leave you alone? Why Gerhardt Brown, am I the one bullying you? How dare you blame me for others bullying you! There are actual real people who are to blame, who are picking on your sister indirectly. When you believe what your bullies say yourself, why will they stop?" 

I wasn't sure if what I said was true or not. He had always told me how he hated Thomas and my classes, but after I got sorted into Slytherin, I had stopped existing for him. Zero contact. I wasn't sure it was him who believed that or the bullies who made him believe that. It was then that I realized that I didn't know anything about Gurgie. 

"I don't believe them," Gerhardt frowned through the lie, "Okay, I-I did believe them. That was before. It's been years. I probably started it myself, I don't know how it became this. I hated that you weren't trying to be like me anymore and you had your own thing going. But Merlin, that was six years ago. I don't want that for you. I wanted to fix things with us, I swear, Erns. But I don't even know how to go back from this." 

His letters had stopped coming for me after his second year and I would steal the ones he sent mother to know more about his life. But he never mentioned any of this. He pretended to have a completely different life. 

"Why did you not say anything Gurgie? We have been fighting and you have been suffering since so bloody long! What happened to Quidditch? And Herbology? Were those a lie too? I thought you had these twin friends you keep telling mum about?" I asked, my voice now more sympathetic than cold. 

"Gideon and Fabian? You know about them? They're still there. They're amazing. Well I never went for quidditch trials, with all the, uh- teasing." He admitted, scratching his head. "Herbology is still peaceful though. The greenhouse is the only place where I can just be without judgement. I think." 

Gedion and Fabion Prewett. I closed my eyes, taking a breath in. I don't know for how long I could deal with looking at death looming over everyone I saw. My brother's only best friends would die too. 

It was tiring to know of death, it was tiring to worry about it when you weren't sure if you could do anything about it. For every conversation I had in Hogwarts, I had stopped at least once to think about their death. 

But at the same time, in all of Thomas's calculations we wouldn't survive Voldemort's reign in any other way. How will such complex events occur in the right sequence, without him getting to know? Without Lily's sacrifice, killing him the first time would be impossible. 

"Why haven't you told me all this? We were so close, Gurgie." 

"Honestly after my first Christmas back, I thought you hated me and wanted nothing to do with me." He spoke, breathing a sigh. 

"I was heartbroken that my brother, who I love and looked upto, wasn't happy for me and wanted to  _ break my wand _ ." I whispered back, remembering the day. Those words were hard to swallow and extremely difficult to move past. "All I wanted was you tell me you didn't mean it." 

Gerhardt's eyes held mine, pleading for acceptance. Pleading an apology he wasn't yet ready to speak of. 

"I didn't mean it, Erny. How could I ever mean that? I don't know what had gotten into me."

"I don't know Gurge, I've been asking myself that question since years now," I told him. "Anyway, you should try out for the team this year. You're a born seeker and we both know it." 

We both kept our eyes to our food, sitting in warm awkwardness. I hadn't been able to palpate the distance we'd created between us, but I hadn't had a frank conversation with him in more than two years. 

"Fabian and Gideon are coming." Gurgie stated, looking at the twins approaching us. 

"Should I leave then?" I asked, there was slight irritation in my voice. 

"No, no I wanted to introduce them-" before Gurgie could complete his sentence, the twins cut him off. 

"This must be the famous Ernaline Dawn Brown," they said in sync. 

"I'm Gedion," said one of them. 

"And I'm Fabion"

"We've heard a lot about you and your unruly hair. Too much really." Said Gedion, again. 

"And all the sherbot lemon popping." 

"And how you can transfigure your wand. Brilliant." 

Gurgie spoke to them about me? He knew about the sword? How? 

X---X 

"Hey, Sirius!" I called out as he walked towards the great hall for dinner along with three others. I recognized one of them as James, the other two had to be Remus and Peter. 

All four of them turned. 

"I didn't realise there were four of you?" I said, snickering as I approached them. 

"What do you want?  _ We _ don't talk to Slytherins." Said the boy who stood to the left of James. He was tinier than all of us, with a sharp nose and a pair of large square specs that covered most of his face. 

"Peter," snapped the last boy. "It's - we're sorry about that. It's not like that." 

That had to be Remus. I smiled, making sure I don't react to Peter Pettigrew's existence. I had thought about him a lot, I had discussed him at length with Marjorie as well and everytime we did we came to the same conclusion. He wasn't always bad, he couldn't be blamed for something he hasn't even done yet. The same logic of why killing Voldemort as an infant was morally wrong played in the case of Peter Pettigrew. But all that said and done, it didn't make it easier for me to stand in front of him and pretend to be indifferent. I could do it, and I did, but it wasn't easy. 

"Yeah, Pete, that's Ernaline and she's our friend." James quickly added. "You wanted to speak to us, Ernaline?" 

I rolled her eyes and snorted both in incredulity and amusement. I glanced at Sirius from the corner of my eye and realised he was staring at me. 

I only shifted my gaze and made sure to stare at all of them, in disbelief. I let my brows rise, and waited for them to understand that they're acting like fools. They probably didn't have a habit of being spoken to individually. 

"Blimey, James. Of course she did. She called out my name didn't she? Come on then, you come sit with us," said Sirius. 

Strutting towards me Sirius asked, "You do want to grab a bite, right?" 

"I'm starving, I want to grab _a_ _lot more_ than a _bite_." I said, "Sorry I didn't get back to you that day. I just had a lot going on. Then weeks went by and I thought I owe you one. And by the way, thanks for telling me about Gurge. That made a huge difference." 

"You don't owe me, we don't have to…" His voice trailed, suddenly his confidence plummeted. I had imagined Sirius Black to be a lot of things, but never did I expect him to lose his composure so easily. 

"No, I don't mean it like that. Jee, Sirius, please chill." I said, shaking my head and letting a small laugh escape me. 

"Gurge? Is that Gerhards pet name?" He snickered, "He is an insanely good seeker though, I don't know how he wasn't already on the team." 

I nodded in agreement and asked him not to tell anyone my brother's pet name. As we walked towards the table, I told him about why he hadn't tried for the team yet. I didn't exactly understand why, but I automatically trusted Sirius Black. Maybe it was because I knew how he would turn out to be in the future, I knew he was loyal. 

We ended up sitting on the Gryffindor table since my other house-mates would definitely be less welcoming to them. We were amongst the last ones to eat so the tables were nearly deserted. I spelled the dirty table and bench clean as we sat. 

"Did you just do that wandless?" said Sirius, still looking for some dirty patches around. 

"Well what can I say, I was trained by the best." I said, I could almost imagine Thomas gloating at this. He could never know I called him the best. 

"Where did Remus and Peter go?" I asked, noticing their absence. However I only cared about Remus's, but I couldn't let that affect my actions or words. Not yet. 

"Peter's just having a hard time dealing with your house. More than me, and I have real reasons. Remus dragged him away before he would make things worse. Peter doesn't even know you." Sirius said, matter of factly. 

"What reasons do you have?" 

Even as he tried to hide it, you could see Sirius visibly turn beet red. "Well my elitist pureblood family, for starters." He almost coughed the reply. 

Thinking about Walburga and Sirius eventually having to run from his own family made my jaw stiffen. But I had to keep my act together.

"Oh, yeah. Blacks." I agreed, nonchalantly. "So James what about you, you hate me secretly?" 

"What," James immediately responded. His cheeks coloured. "No, of course not! You're my absolute favourite potions partner, actually my favourite Slytherin altogether and you even let me mix Amortenia in Dolohov's pumpkin juice. You're an angel, really." 

We spent the next hour talking and laughing about what all had happened during our school year and what all I'd missed in the previous years. Sirius flipped his jet black hair across his face at least a dozen times. He mentioned the Howler he received upon getting himself into Gryffindor and how it totally made it worth it. James couldn't keep his hands off of his spectacles and by the stories he told, he couldn't keep his mind off of Lily Evans. Nothing I didn't already know. 

There was a sudden commotion, gasps sounded around the hall from the little remaining crowd. As I turned to look, I found Targy, with a large package, hurriedly flapping his wings and flying right towards me. 

He dropped the package and immediately took off again, presumably for the owlery for food and water. It was a long rectangular thing, wrapped in brown paper with a letter addressed to me. 

"What's that?" asked James, "Open it, Ernaline. It's packaged like something I _desperately_ _want_." 

I knew what James was thinking about, and there was a high possibility for it to be exactly that. 

Unfolding the letter I found: 

_ Miss Dawn,  _

_ Congratulations on making it to the Quidditch team, I suppose now those chipmunks of peers that you have can shove it. Arthur-Merlin is cooler than Quidditch though, please reinforce that fact at every opportunity you get. Double congratulations on completing level 10 with the trolls.  _

_ I have taken a new student this year and I can't begin to tell you how much of a pain in the arse he is. Honestly, I never thought I'd actually say it, but you were so bloody smart for a kid. This little guy doesn't have his mind aligned!  _

_ I hope things are in order. Don't think too much about the future, if you do you'll miss the present. A present where I just shelled out some major gold to buy you that broom. Enjoy it. I REPEAT DAWN, ENJOY IT.  _

_ Be a doll and give me a bloody life update. A real one and not the stupid crap about studies. Bye now.  _

_ Much love  _

_ Thomas M.  _

While I read the letter, Sirius and James had already started to peel at the brown paper shamelessly, revealing a box with the engraving  _ 'Nimbus 900'.  _

"Do you have a secret boyfriend back home?" asked James, his eyes still stuck to the broom box and mouth agape. 

"Mate, I believe the right question would be, do you secretly have a  _ very rich _ boyfriend back home?" Sirius added with a tone of amusement. "Can you already do the honours and open it? We're dying here." 

"Thomas is not my boyfriend. He's my instructor and a friend," I said, maintaining the eye-contact with Sirius. "Can we wait though? I think I've already attracted enough attention by sitting on the Gryffindor table." 

"Sirius, we're leaving for the common room." said someone. We both turned our heads to find one of the other marauder's, the one I suspected to be Remus. 

"You guys go ahead, we'll catch up," said Sirius, still playing with his hair but eyes still on the box. 

"Hi, I'm Ernaline. Remus right?" I said, stretching my arm for him to shake, before he could scutter away. 

Remus stopped, looking confused, "You know me?" 

"Of course I know you, doesn't everybody? Aren't you, like, the smartest Gryffindor? Why don't we all head out to the grounds? You could join us too." 

Bickering with James and Sirius in the past hour had made me almost forget the future, no matter how important their part was in it. Remus had even more of the same effect. His scars, his startled expression, everything about him and his demeanor, brought me back to the present. For once I wanted to change the present and not the future. 

Remus reluctantly nodded. His discomfort was obvious. 

Sirius and James were too excited to deny anything I demanded of and immediately stood up to leave. 

The four of us walked out with a Nimbus 800 box hovering behind. All my hopes and dreams of not attracting too much attention were shattered. 

"What am I too Slytherin for your liking? Or is it something else?" I asked Remus, breaking the silence. 

"I don't have a problem with other houses, or you." 

Sirius feigned a gasp, "Really? And here I thought the basis of our friendship was Slytherin hate. No offense, Brown."

Both of us ignored Sirius's remark and I waited for Remus to say something himself. 

"I'm really not the smartest, Lily beats me to it by a large margin," said Remus Finally. "Uh, umm, I wanted to ask. Was Arthur-Merlin really worth it? I mean, to trade your education with swordsmanship." 

"She can do wandless magic Moony-uh Remus. Brilliant , really. And more importantly her  _ instructor _ just gifted her a Nimbus 800 for getting into the school team. Well that makes it worth in itself." interjected Sirius. 

Remus and James exchanged looks before James voiced their thoughts, "Wandless? Really? We're just fifth-years." 

"Nimbus 800? Is that what this box is about? Your instructor?" Added Remus. 

"Well, you can't really do swordsmanship without Wandless magic can you." I said, pulling out my wand into a sword. It's emerald blade was shining and it matched perfectly with the silver hilt. Before anyone else saw it, I shoved it back into my wand holster. 

"That's not possible," said Sirius,"That was a trick wasn't it? Tell me how you did that, Browny."

"I'm not a Brownie and it wasn't a trick." I scoffed, "Now can we open my new broom, please?"

#### 

The broom was beautiful and I was excited for it, but definitely not as excited as Sirius and James were for me. I couldn't help but think about the day when Sirius would send Harry his Firebolt. I don't know why, but it made me happier. 

"James, I think we should go back to the common room. Peter has been waiting since a while now," Remus said finally. 

Sirius rolled his eyes, but asked his friends to go ahead of him, anyway. 

"I saw you, before," said Sirius the moment the others left. What did he mean? Was he talking about the map? My heart thuttered as I thought of the best possible explanation I could give. 

"Not you, I meant I saw you reading that letter and maybe I even peeped a little." He completed. 

"Oh," was all that I could manage to say. So he wasn't talking about that. I relaxed a little. "Um, so what? I mean why would you want to read my letter?" 

Sirius, awkwardly picking his hair, said, "I don't know, I was really excited about the broom. I thought it's from your parents, at first. Not that me reading your parent's letter is okay. But your instructor seemed, I think he's the same one you were talking about, is uh- a little unprofessional?" 

"Well yes, that's definitely not okay. But I'm glad you told me that you read it. But what do you mean by unprofessional?" 

I had forced myself to add and emphasize on it not being okay that he read my letter, I didn't care much about boundaries, even my own. But I was trying to get my head around the concept. Either way, if I didn't want someone to read a letter of mine, I knew they wouldn't be able to altogether. I was unfazed. 

"He seemed more like a teenager cheering you on than a responsible adult," he paused, "Never mind I shouldn't pry more. Forget I asked." 

"That's okay, it's just Thomas. He's like family, there's nothing to hide there." I said laughing, still confused about why this bothered Sirius Black. "He's just very open with me, no filters. But he's definitely also a responsible adult, most times. Why though?" 

"No reason, other than that broom is shit expensive to be gifted and your past is an absolute mystery for the entire school. People trash talk about you and your former education often, not that I believe them. But just seeing you do magic is making me think the opposite," He paused, shaking his head in awe, "You do things so easily, wandlessly, you can brew potions in half the time we do, practice charms we haven't heard of and now even transfigure your wand! Bloody Brilliant." 

"Well that's a lot of flattery for my arrogant Slytherin mind to handle, Sirius. Careful with that." 


	6. Chapter five point five

_ Flashback _

4 years ago. 

My parents sat me down in our living room.

A pang of confusion and anxiety burst in me. They looked so serious and I couldn't predict what their reaction was about to be. Were they not happy about how things turned out to be? Did they not like Arthur Merlin enough? I couldn't place their concern and my brows came together giving away my perturbation.

My father pulled me on his lap, still facing me, reading the expression on my face and only let out a laugh.

"Don't look so disappointed, little lady. It's just a lot to process." He said, tapping his index to my nose.

"I'll have you know that I've written letters to him and persistently, when I was looking to shadow him; when I chased my career. I might have gotten a reply or two but never a response so eager as you did. He was forthcoming as ever and we never expected that from him. I've never heard of Albus Dumbledore tutoring anyone. Never. I hardly thought he'd reply and much less that he'd let you do your first four years from here." Mother said. She took my hand in hers and gave me a squeeze.

"He's not tutoring me, persay. He's just going to monitor my progress distantly so that it matches school standards as well and I can join Hogwarts in my OWLs year. And plus, mother, you probably didn't mention your favourite story from the Bard in your letter. It's important information." I offered, wanting to comfort her. "And perhaps it’s because I'm a child, he must like our kind. He surrounds himself with us, being the headmaster, after all."

"You mentioned Deathly Hallows in your letter? Definitely must be the Tales of the Bard then, because me being a child back then didn't quite workout for me." She said, laughing. "But whatever the reason maybe, darling, we're incredibly proud of you. Incredibly. However confusing it is for us, and I'll tell you it is very much so. Irrespective, I want you to know we're proud, we love you and we'll support you in this however we can."

I remembered what she'd told me when I was all but a few minutes old, 'I love you more than you'll ever know'. I smiled. I knew, mother. I knew. 

"What we do want to know is, why this sudden urge? Why not Hogwarts? Your mother thought it was about you being away from your brother, and then the entire fight over Christmas. But that's not it, is it?" Dad asked the one difficult question I was dreading to answer.

"I want to be smart about the future." I said. I had thought a lot about how much I was willing to tell them, but I wasn't even aware of what my particular condition or status was. I didn't even know what risks were involved with the knowledge I had.

"I started reading the Prophet, now you know of course," I said, suggesting I knew a little more about the world then what they told me. It wasn't an excuse, I'd actually started to flip through the papers. It took an ample of effort and I had to physically pinch myself to gain back the concentration. It was the most boring new hobby I'd tried to inculcate in myself. They didn't say anything and let me continue to explain.

"Once Gurgie left, I always had more free time during the day and I found the stack of old newspapers in the store. I've been updating myself ever since. Then mom got to know, and I've been doing it openly," I paused, "Anyway, what I'm trying to say is, father, I know the world is a bad place and I just want to be smart. I want to be very very smart and protect you both when I am a big girl." I told him, sincerely. "Arthur Merlin's is great, I genuinely feel it's a better choice."

"Baby, you don't have to worry about that. We'll protect you. We'll protect ourselves." My mother said, continuing to pat my head lovingly.

"No mum, I am not worrying. I want to do something, make a difference and look how smart Voldy is, if we're smarter than him, we can beat him just fine." I said.

I realised a moment later that I'd used Peeve's pet name for the dark lord. Cahwel Brown was almost a mess as she realised the meaning of my confession.

"You want to beat You-Know-Who? Voldy you say?" She said, trying to save her voice from cracking.

"Much much later in my life, yes I do. We all do, don't we? I just want to directly do something about it." I said, and before she could further drown in worry I added, "Eventually. But for now I just want to be smart, prepared. And mother, Voldemort is only-"

"Don't you take his proper name!" She scowled at me with fiery eyes, similar to how my father had done when I took his name at Diagon Alley. "What have you done Ernaline! This is how he tracks people against him!"

"I'm sorry mommy. I didn't mean to upset you. I read it in professor Bagshots article, it's not the name that is tracked but the fear associated with it. I-I'm not scared of him. I'm sorry." I said as guilt flooded through me. I had almost forgotten how real the terror of Voldemort was. I knew how it all ended, but the world didn't know. My parents were scared and I'd never seen this side of them. If I were to take on this task of figuring out my role in this war, which Rowling had conveniently forgotten to mention in her books, I'd be putting my entire family at risk. Was it worth that?

"I won't do anything if you don't want me to. I'll just be a normal child and get my letter on my 11th birthday, like everyone else. You don't worry mom, I'll write to Dumbledore and tell him so. We'll pretend that today never happened, I promise." I told her. I pulled her into a hug and my father engulfed us both.

"Oh darling, you're not abnormal. You're the most extraordinary girl in existence. Don't ever think less of yourself, I'm just really worried darling." She said.

We both hiccuped our cries and my father, speechless, held us together until sleep had overcome me.

#### 

Next morning when I woke up, I found my father leaning at my door, staring at something behind me. 

"Dad?" I asked sleepily. 

He hummed, shaking his head and breaking from the trance he was stuck in. "Yes, Ernie darling." He said automatically. 

"What are you doing?" 

Taking a deep breath, Abster Brown walked up to my bed and said, "Something has been bothering you. It's not just the papers, I know it's not that. I heard you talk to Thomas the other day when I came to pick you up. You were talking about the  _ death count in the war _ ." He paused, "The war hasn't even begun." 

I sat up, reflexively, all the residual sleep vanished from me. 

"Uh- that was nothing, I just-"

"No lies Ernaline Dawn Brown." He said firmly, "Are you a seer?" 

"Dad, you can not say anything to mum. She will freak out!" I said.

"She will, but if you don't tell me I will freak out, darling. I am freaking out. It's quite stressful that my ten year old child is keeping a scary secret from me." He said, with a small smile.

"It'll be our secret. Yours and mine." He promised.

"I really don't think it's a good idea," I huffed. Remembering my conversation with him from a year ago, after we had bought my wand. 

I knew that now that he'd said as much, he wasn't going to leave it alone. Maybe he could help me? He was a skilled healer, a learned man, after all. Whatever it may be, I knew that knowing came with risk and a burden, and till I knew exactly what it meant, I wasn't willing to share it completely. I had already shared my secrets with two people and they ought to be enough, for now. 

"I know some things about the future. And some of the past. Not some things actually, but some facts. Now please don't ask me about the future, because I don't know what effect it would have. I don't completely understand the effects of trying to change it, but we can't afford to change it." I said, clutching my blanket towards me. 

"So we win the war then?" He asked, directly going for the main questions.

"I'm a child. Don't ask me such morbid questions!" I exclaimed, bringing my hands to cover my mouth in mock shock but a giggle escaped me.

"Even if we win it or don't, either way changing it could just mean a worse future father. Ernaline says no-no to the questions about the future."

"But fun fact: Tom Riddle is Voldemort. Dumbledore is Gay, he loved Grindelwald. I even know how Moaning Myrtle died." I whispered, pulling him down so he could hear me properly.

My father looked at me funny, trying to judge if I was joking or if I was serious.

"You can't tell this to anyone dad, if you do, they'll kill me." I said, matter-of-factly.

"Ernaline! Don't talk like that with me. Of course I'm not saying any of this to anyone. I'm more scared for you than you are for yourself. Rather you don't seem to be scared at all and that's hardly relieving!" He said, not wanting to raise his voice but it was still stern. He didn't want me to fool around about this, I didn't either but sometimes I couldn't help my cloudy mind to overtake my leftover adult senses.

"I'm sorry," I offered with a pained look. 

"What can we do to help with your…. abilities?" He asked.

I thought if explaining that it was hardly an ability would be a good idea. 

"Thomas has it covered," I told him instead. 

**####**

**4 years ago.**

Respected Professor Dumbledore, 

I was asked to send a report of this year of my studies outside of Hogwarts. 

Let me begin on from the offside of it all. 

The first problem I faced was controlling my wand, and as much as I appreciate it, it's length of 11 inches is a bit much for me. My parents also seem to have no solution to this particular problem. My wand also happens to be 100% inflexible, which means it could break without me even trying, which definitely could be an issue. Another problem I faced with my wand was its sandalwood smell, however alluring and wonderful it is, it also attracts attention and if I have to carry it at all times, it'll always leave a trail.

On repeatedly trying the art of divination, I've only but failed. The logic never seems to align itself for me, maybe I require some more theoretical knowledge on the subject? 

On a brighter note, I've mastered vanishing potions, however the only conjuration spell I can do is the 'Augmenti'. Father has tried to teach me some healing, too, but I'll tell you now that I'm almost incapable of that particular magical branch. Occlumency was a tough subject to even attempt, but I'm getting somewhere now. Also, my Magical Swordsmanship training at Arthur-Merlin's has progressed wonderfully! Though I'm told you haven’t a clue about what magical swordsmanship is!

I also wanted to know if we could charm my shoes to hover, same as we charm our brooms? For no other reason other than the fun aspect of it. 

Mr. Thomas Merlin will be sending his own report with grades and details of my progress. 

Your future pupil 

Ernaline Dawn Brown 

PS: I thought you'd be happy to know that mother got the job as Junior Undersecretary to the Minister at the Wizengamot! Right under you! 

####

4 years ago. 

I marched into the stone circle, proudly holding my own sword in my hand. "Marjorie," I called out excitedly, "Look I can use my own damn sword this time!" 

She laughed and said, "Liar, I see your wand tucked in your holster!" 

I tutted and shook my head. 

Aunty Liela and Uncle Hariel had given me a toy wand for one of my birthdays, soon after which I had gotten my own real wand. I had never found a use for it, until now. 

I found it lying in one of my drawers last night and the most brilliant idea of the century came to my mind. I could just transfigure it to a sword at home and take it to AM and practice with that. 

**{AM= Arthur Merlin}**

It was a huge development, really. With Thomas's no-wand-magic-during-class rule and Marjorie's no-magic-at-all condition, I was stuck with a sword twice my size and had absolutely zero progress before this. 

Now I had found a way to have my own personal sword, without breaking any rule and didn't need to learn Wandless magic to start my swording lessons. 

At the rate at which I'm going, I doubted I was ever going to practice wordlessly or wandlessly. 

Thomas had only made a funny face and told me I didn't need a toy wand, if I were smart enough I would have transfigured a quill or something for practice much before. 

Marjorie's reaction was however much different. 

"Oh, Ernie, that's perfect! Finally I can teach you balance!" She squeaked, giving me a half hug. "I'm so proud of you!" 

They were such a perfect team, exact opposites. 

"So today we're going to focus on using the pommel of our swords as the weapon. It's important that you know how to use each part," she told me, placing the music box between us. "Right so, we'll do the swashbuckling dance that we practiced before but all offence has to be done from the pommel. Now then, let's start." 

The lyrics of 'Dancing Queen,' by ABBA danced on my lips as I danced to them. With the laps and daily drills my strength and stamina were already much, much better but my agility needed progress. My steps didn't falter as often as they used to but they were nowhere as fluid as Marjorie's. 

"More accuracy, less power." Instructed Marjorie. 

I was improving but I needed much, much more practice and progress to feel evenly confident. 

_ 'Slash 1, 2, 3. Duck, 1, 2, 3 _ .' I counted in my mind. Concentrating on the stone so see at least a tiny spark of magic. 

Thomas has started teaching me something new; he claimed my focus and meditation was good enough for me to be able to attempt to read magical signatures. 

As easy as he made it sound, it was the most difficult thing I'd probably ever try. To read even Excalibur, which had one of the strongest magical signatures in the world, it took me a week. An entire week to see only a glimmer of visible magic. 

"Ernaline, this is time to focus on the sword and you can do that magical concentration mumbo-jumbo later! Graceful steps, please!" I heard Marjorie call me out. 

####

_ 3 years ago _ . 

"Okay, well that wasn't half bad." Thomas said, in his usual airy tone. "But the goal is not just to be able read them at will, but continuously sense them as a part of your vision, your smell, and even feel it." 

Only my flared nostrils flared in response to my irritation. I had been mindlessly and continuously practiced reading signatures of magic and I had gotten pretty good at it. I could scan any object and distinguish if it was enchanted or not, and what kind of magic it emitted. 

Thomas and his backhanded compliments always left me furious, especially when they come with instructions like 'Smell magic.'

"Well Mr. Merlin, give more direct instructions next time." I hurled my words at him, "Tell me what am I doing wrong."

"Have you tried to read my signature?" 

"No," I answered truthfully, and immediately tried to focus on the energy that he emitted. 

"Hah," he jerked his head up with a single laugh. "It's not that easy to read me when my guard is up," he said with a smile which reached his eyes, twinkling. 

"Okay that's homework, you have read me by the end of this week." He said, waving his hand. "We're going to have double sessions everyday now. At sunrise and sundown, both." 

"How can it be homework if I have to have you in front of me to read you? Do you even understand the concept?" I said, rolling my eyes. 

He handed me a list of ingredients as we walked outside the borders of the arena to the small settlement of AM. 

In my early months I would only ever go to the stone circle for practice, but once I started showing promise and ditched Hogwarts for AM, I had become a trusted member of their community. A community which existed in secret in the middle of the Sherwood forest. 

There were large, two to three storied, homes with gardens, with Dutch roofs and every house had their own private arena. They were all swordsmen. Funnily, contrary to my expectations, it was a rather large community. 

We were going to Graffan, Thomas's father, who was teaching me legilimency. He was quite the old hag, and his classes were genuinely fun to attend, very unlike Thomas's. Graffan wasn't as efficient, though. 

Sometimes his older sister, Greta Moody, would join us for our sessions. Mrs. Moody was a gifted witch, the most brilliant auror (better than Mr. Moody as well!) and much more impressionable than her son could ever hope to be in the future. 

The first I met her and Alastor, her son and realized they were from AM, I was shocked beyond belief. In my first class with her, the first thing she ever taught me was "constant vigilance." I couldn't control my laughter, nobody could stop me from my fit of shock and delight. 

It was then that both Thomas and I realized that even though the books gave us a lot of information, there were huge gaps and some of them were for us to fill. We still had control over everything that occurred between the lines. We had the power of adding our own scenes to this giant play of life. 

I quickly scanned the list of ingredients. 

"Mandrake leaf, death's head hawk moth? What are you trying to make me, an animagus?" I laughed, swatting at Thomas's shoulder. 

He only shrugged. 

What could that mean? 

_ 'Daily sessions at sundown and sunrise _ ,' my thoughts trailed. 

"Oh for the life of Salazar! Fucking, Merlin! You're actually trying to make me an animagus, without telling me? Are you daft?" I screamed, suddenly stopping. "Thomas you can't keep everything from me, I swear to fucking Helga Hufflepuff I won't give you the third Harry Potter book if you keep at this. You're going to get me killed one day!" 

"That's a lot of swearing Ernaline, your parents pick at me for your every other bad habit almost every day. Don't pick these bad habits off of me. Let's not make my life more difficult, shall we?" Said Thomas, "And you don't have anyone else to tell your story, you'll end up letting me read it, anyway."

He was trying to get away with it, but I wasn't going to let that happen. "Apologize now for not telling me. Now, Thomas." I said, sternly enough for a child. 

"Fine, fine okay. I'm sorry, Dawn. I was going to tell you anyway before you started drinking the potion. It'll take a month to brew it anyway," he muttered, with his hands in the air in defense. 

I realized he was being sincere and distracted. Using the opportunity, I quickly attempted to read his magical signature. His guard was actually down and his signature was a botch. A literal botch. 

It felt like a giant human version of vegetable stew. I couldn't pick any one particular thing out of the many, many incantations placed on him. 

"Thomas, what the hell are you?" I asked, staring at him with my eyes wide. 

Immediately realising that I'd completed my homework, his guard went back up and he said, "Oh that was very quick, Miss Dawn. I wasn't expecting that at all. And about what I am-"

He pointed his hand towards himself, mid sentence, and immediately started to shrink. His hair grew longer and turned to colour between brown and yellow, it wasn't very different from his original auburn exactly. His mustache was now his whiskers, his hands were now pows. 

A large lion like cat, ginger coloured and extremely fluffy sniffed and meowed at my feet. A half Kneazle, I would guess. 

"Oh no, Thomas, you're _Crookshanks_?!" 


	7. Chapter 6

"Lucy!" I said, banging our bathroom door, "I really need to pee! It's been an hour. What are you even doing inside?" 

"Luce, I'll pee on the floor." 

I tried pressing on the handle impatiently, knowing it was locked and would be of no use. I stuck my ear to the door to see if she was trying to reply, but the only thing I heard were small gasps. 

"Lucinda, I'm getting worried now. What's wrong? It's just me here, tell me what happened," I said softly. 

My heart went on a frenzy thinking about all the things that would make her lock herself in the washroom, crying. 

I hated unknown misadventures. I started again, "Hey, I might be able to help and maybe-" 

The door flung open and Lucinda's sobs grew louder. She sat on the covered loo. Her face was buried in her hands and her hair hung loose, in front of her. 

"I don't think anyone will be able to help," she sobbed. "It's irreversible." 

Irreversible? What was she talking about? 

"Luce, I don't understand, what's irreversible?" I asked, taking a few steps towards her. 

She removed her face from her hands and looked up, right at me. Her eyes were blood-shot red, her face was puffy and you could see she had cried herself to dehydration. Half Her hair was chopped midway and the rest remained frazzled. 

But that wasn't why a gasp escaped me and my eyes widened. My usual stoic expression was lost. No, the thing that really upset me was the large gash on her face which extended from her ear and across her lip. 

"Who did that?" I asked, exasperated. I pulled my wand and immediately began cleaning the wound. Blood stained her cheek and some of it trickled down to her neck with her tears. Thick stains lined her face, neck and shoulder. 

"It was one of the four who are always behind Severus," she said, her breath hitched. 

The marauders did this? No, she said one of them. Which one would do this? Why on the bloody planet would they? 

"It was the tiny one, with square glasses," she continued. "He used the 'secare' curse on me." Lucinda was now crying louder than before. "I- apparently it's irreversible." 

"It's not irreversible, Luce. It's not, I promise." 

"Are you- are you certain? I don't want this on my face forever."

"I can undo it myself, but I'd rather take you to Madam Pomfrey, that Peter needs to be told on. Why would he even do that? Didn't anyone stop him?"

I pulled her up on her feet and let her arm rest on me. She hid the better part of her face from her as we started walking outside. 

There were hardly any people in the common room, it was still early for people to start coming back, but the few who were there stared. No one dared to utter a word, not at least till we left the room.. 

"I don't know, it was something about hating Slytherin." she said, gaining her voice. 

Lucinda walked to the infirmary just fine, but I could see that she was dizzy from the blood loss and hardly had any extra energy. 

"Madam," I announced myself as we entered the infirmary, "A student has used the secare curse on her, I think she's lost too much blood." 

Poppy nodded and without losing any time she connected a Milliskin bag of blood to her injury. The bag immediately started to empty and the blood that it leaked from it was absorbed right into her body. 

Dumbledore and professor McGonigal were also summoned by Madam Pomfrey. She inquired more about the nature of the exchange of curses and prepared a potion for the pain, meanwhile. 

"Very well, I shall leave you to Poppy's care, Miss Talkalot. Do see me in my office one you're feeling better." Huffed Dumbledore, nodding, before he left the us. 

"Ne-interficiam," spelled Pomfrey, tapping her wand on the cursed wound. "Now remember, child, no water on the wound till it's closed completely. It would interfere with the healing process." 

"Look, the wound is already closing," I told her. "Now stop crying, will you?" 

Lucinda, still lost in her thought, said, "His friend, Lupin, the one you talk to a lot. He stopped him." 

"Well that's all well and good, I don't understand why he attacked you?" 

### 

After leaving Lucinda outside Dumbledore's office, I decided to find Remus and find out what actually happened. 

I decided to start my search from the grounds. Gryffindor had booked the pitch for quidditch practice today, so there was a fair chance that I'd find them there. But before walking into the pitch, I double checked with the map. 

"Ernaline," I heard someone call and quickly pocketed the map. "I was looking for you! Have you seen Lucinda? She's hurt!" 

Remus had found me before I could find him. 

"Yes she is," I told him back, cooly "Thanks to your friend Peter." 

Remus was jogging towards me now, he said, "I'm sorry! I swear I tried to stop it. You can't hold me accountable for his actions, can you?" 

"Why attack her? What could she have done to deserve that?" I asked, still sounding unfazed. 

"Hey Remus, did you find one of them? Is it Lily?!" Shouted James from behind him. Sirius followed him as well. "Oh Merlin, Ernaline. Don't kill us or anything. We're just here to make sure you're okay. I mean your friend." 

Sirius started, "We sort of really made enemies with Severus these past years-" 

"And he's been picking on Peter ever since." Added James. 

"He's been really going through a lot, but that's no excuse for what he did." 

"Snape had tried to use his new invention of a curse on Peter and Peter just attacked the only defenseless Slytherin that came to his sight." Said James, completing Sirius's sentence again. "Not defending him, promise. Just explaining."

"Snape's curse hit Marlene Mckinnon, instead. She's still in the hospital wing. Then these gits took their own revenge and hung him upside down. Lily got involved, it was a right mess!" Explained Remus. 

All three of them stood awkwardly, huffing breaths as though they'd run a marathon. 

"So is she fine? Please tell me she is." 

"She's fine for now, Dumbeldore has called her. But it's not you who should be running around to make sure that she is. Someone else needs to apologize." I told them. 

They weren't the happiest when I mentioned Dumbeldore's involvement but they knew it was inevitable with the serious injury. 

Sirius looked guilty. "We know, we're sorry anyway. We didn't think Peter would react like this-"

"It's not just him is it? You four are nobodys to take things into your hands. Nobodys. Entitled Death Eaters hang people upside down to humiliate them." I scoffed coldly, turning and walking away. 

"That's not fair!" I heard Sirius say from behind me, his footsteps followed. 

"Isn't it?" I laughed glancing back, "Tell me Sirius, if tomorrow Rosier came and did the same thing you did Severus, to Lily or anyone in the school for that matter, what would be your first thought?" 

"James I honestly didn't expect this from you," I said before leaving. Funnily, even knowing from before that this would happen, I meant it. I didn't expect this from him or any of them actually. 

####

I found Lily behind Hagrid's Hut, feeding his pet Bicorns. 

"Wow, out of all the places I could find you," I said softly from behind her. 

"I don't want to hear it." She said, without turning behind. 

Skin on my forehead came together in confusion. "Um, hear what?" 

"Severus sent you here, didn't he? To apologize in his stead? I can't believe that even you would-"

Picking the treats from the packet and feeding the other Bicorn myself, I said "No, no-one sent me here Evans. I'm here on my own accord." 

"Oh," she said, "Did you want something then?" 

"Yes actually, I did," was all I said. 

I continued to help her feed the creatures, their awkward soft growls were the only things that sounded between us. Bicorns were a race between cows and panthers, some were even said to have human like features. Their fur was soft, eyes were sharp, and bright yellow in colour. 

"So what did you want then?" She asked, finally. 

"To find you and make sure you're okay," I told her. "But then I changed my mind."

"You changed your mind?" She asked, sounding confused. 

"Mhmm," I confirmed. 

"Are you going to explain that?" She said, her previous patient tone slipping away. 

"Do you want me to?" I said, pushing my luck even further. 

She finally removed her attention from the Bicorns and faced me, her face red and eyes puffy. "What are you trying to do? If you're just here to irritate me further and get yourself hexed, tell me and I'll do it now!" She scowled. 

I still continued to pet the animal as I fed it. 

"You're impossible!" Said Lily, finally drawing her wand. 

Before she could do much, I started, "I changed my mind and decided I'll just be there, next to you instead-"

"-Why didn't you say so? I'm already feeling like shit. My best friend just called me a Mudblood, my boyfriend hung him upside down from a tree. Then you come here and I thought it's because we're sort of friends maybe. Then you have to act all mysterious and that is not-" 

"-And I decided I should rile you up a little, so that you could, you know, let out some of that anger." I said, trying to suppress a smirk. "Worked." 

"Worked?" She hissed, "This did not work, Ernaline! I'm pissed off. I'm so bloody pissed off! And then you think you can manipulate me like this? Not fair!" 

It didn't feel like manipulation, I was only trying to make her feel better. 

"Sorry then," I said, shrugging. "It's what my friend does when I'm pissed off. It's the only way I know how to make someone feel better I guess? Works for me." 

Lily sat down at one of the rocks which surrounded us, only huffing in response. 

"I mean, I do feel better." She said with a small chuckle. 

"Potter's your boyfriend?" I asked. They were already a thing, I added silently. 

"I don't know anymore," she said. "I mean we have been dating in secret since last year." 

Sitting myself down beside her, I asked, "In secret?" 

"Severus didn't approve. But I didn't approve of his new friends either. I was going to cut off from him this year altogether, but he promised he'll try to get away from the gang he was hanging out with." She paused to look at me fully, "I mean I probably sound like some control freak of a friend but you don't know, these people are just-"

"-I live with them. I understand. I'm not judging here. Go on." 

She nodded and continued, "So, I started dating James over the holidays, when I wasn't talking to Severus at all. Then you came along and you were decent and Sev was doing better but he still didn't trust my choices. He was pissed off for me being friends with James, and apparently he attacked Peter because of that." 

She looked bewildered by the thought of Snape attacking Peter. Even though, in the larger scheme of things I sort of supported the event. Peter would deserve it and Severus would be the perfect person to inflict that on him, but that wasn't how life worked did it? You can't punish a person for crimes they haven't committed yet. To make my life easier, Peter had already attacked my best friend and that was enough reason for me to put him on my real life hate board. 

"God knows what he'd do if he knew I was in a relation with him," she huffed, closing her eyes. 

"He is going to find out eventually," I added. 

"Not what I want to hear right now." 

I shook my head, standing up and gave my hand as support for her to get up as well. "No, only what you need to." 

She took it and as she came to her feet she said, "Urghh. What is that supposed to mean?" 

"It means Lily, you should tell him and soon." I said, letting her link her arm with mine. 

"He just called me a Mudblood, I don't care what he thinks anymore." Scoffed Lily. 

"Lies," I said indifferently. "You care. And just because he's being a piece of shit doesn't mean you have to be one too." 

Lily gave me a look which I hardly understood. "How do you never have a reaction to things, like what is this 'I'm cool as a cucumber' vibe you have going on." 

I laughed, only I knew how much meditation and dedication went into me being able to control my emotions. If I did let them out, Salazar knows I wouldn't be able to stand in front of her laughing, ever. 

"What do I have to react about?" I asked instead of giving her any real answer. 

"You could be pissed off for me? Or for Lucinda! Oh gods I forgot to ask, is she alright?" She asked, suddenly stopping in her prance towards the castle and enlarging her eyes at me as though she'd caught me killing someone or better yet, killed someone herself. 

Dragging her further I told her, "She's fine, just talking to Dumbledore about it. You're both reacting enough for yourselves. Honestly, why would I add or aid your reaction?" 

We walked back in silence towards the castle, her arm was in mine. 

"So are you hungry?" I asked her. 

Lily gave me an almost constipated look before she said, "Starving, but the last thing I want to do is go to the Great Hall." 

"To the kitchen then," I muttered and pulled her towards our new destination. 

"Woah, what? Slow down I'm not a cart!" She said, holding onto me tighter, "You know where the kitchens are? You've been here only for months, even I don't know where they are!" 

I looked at her from the corner of my eye, almost with the slightest hint of disgust, I said, "What's the point of dating Potter if he didn't even tell you that much?" 

I was specially told where the kitchens were for I ate my breakfast much, much earlier than the time allotted for the meal. My special training has given me some perks, but I wasn't about to explain that either. There was no point of me doing that. 

"Mistress Dawn," said Tolly, one of the kitchen elves. "You brought a friend today. What can we get you?" 

"Hello Tolly, this is Lily by the way." I told her pointing at Lily, "We'll have whatever you've made for dinner for everyone else."

There were a few stools arranged at an empty steel counter at the entrance of the kitchen. It's where I usually ate my breakfast and sometimes when I felt like it, even other meals. 

By the minute we walked over to the counter, it was already laid with two full plates, a glass of juice and a smaller plate with desert. 

Lily pulled a stool and sat herself down, copying me. "So do you do this often?" 

"Mhmm," I made a sound, taking a bite of the food. 

"Not fair, I just told you all my secrets. You tell me some of your own." 

Letting a small snicker leave me, I told my Lily, "I eat breakfast here everyday Lily, it's quite a boring piece of information." 

"But it's unusual," she said while chewing, mannerlessly, "Is it because of your training? Of course it is. Hah, and here the school has a theory of you getting bullied all night that you skip breakfast everyday." 

My eyebrows grew together. "These kids really have no life." 

"Doesn't this bother you? It bothered me so much in my first year." She muttered to herself, thoughtfully. "Sev really was a pillar of support back then."

"Doesn't bother me, no." 

It didn't bother me, in all honesty, because there were so many other things that I was constantly bothered by. There was a small peace I found in this fast paced, dynamic and agile life, where drama and gossip occupied your minds. It pulled me back to the present and left less room for thoughts of death to dance around in my mind. 

I could feel Lily's eyes drilling holes into my left shoulder. She shifted in her seat, taking a bite, she asked me, "What bothers you then?" 

"Right now, Lily Evans, you are bothering me." I told her, sipping my juice and letting it push down the bite stuck in my throat. I wanted to answer her question, I wanted to be asked that question. But life wasn't all that about what you want to do. "Eat your food Lily." 

####

"Oh Merlin," exclaimed the future Lily James Potter. "It's past curfew and I'm so bloody full I can hardly walk." 

I rolled my eyes at the redhead, James and her were so far apart from each other. I had insisted to walk her to the Gryffindor common room and make sure she does end up there instead of following through with her plan to follow me into the Slytherin dorms and hexing Severus boogey's to bats. 

Additionally, I had a feeling Severus wouldn't be in the Slytherin dungeons tonight. 

"Ernaline, what do you think I should do about James-"

"Potter, I know you've been following us." I said, abruptly stopping and cutting Lily before she could finish her sentence. I had known they were following us since a while, but I didn't like the idea of them listening in on our conversation. "You can get rid of the cloak, now." 

Lily's eyes expanded, all the way to their maximum as we heard someone hurl into the portrait behind us. The lady in the portrait squeaked and then followed it by a series of swears. 

"Okay, okay we're sorry, woman!" Said a voice from an invisible source. 

"Merlin, padfoot, did you have to trip us? One would think after five years, you'd learn how to behave inside it." Muttered another voice. 

"How does she know?" I heard a whisper. Remus. 

"Well, you can ask her that," said another one of them, still invisible. "I'm taking off the cloak now." 

"You!" Lily said, through gritted teeth as James appeared, "Potter you've been following me? I was going to- How dare you!" 

James, however flabbergasted he was, managed to somehow straighten his face and reply to his girlfriend. "Well, I wanted to make sure you're fine. It was past curfew and you didn't even come for dinner, you weren't in your dorm. I was worried, Lils, what did you expect?" 

"Well, don't worry anymore. I'm taking that right away from you, James Fleamont Potter. We are over." Lily's words were crystal clear. To add weight and effect, she made sure to stomp her way back to the common room, leaving Ernaline to deal with the marauders. 

"James go apologize and explain, will you?" 

Remus, still confused about what just happened, I suspected he was more confused about how I saw them when they were invisible. Sirius looked like I'd killed his Owl and handed it back to him. "Apologize for what exactly?" Scowled Sirius. 

"Don't be a child, now. Severus was her best friend, she was already confused about what to do with him." I paused, now looking at James as he ushered behind Lily, "I've told you already how I felt about it, Lily would be feeling worse. Conflicted. You've been pushing Snape's buttons since years, and today you took it too far. You know it. Goodnight, good talk." I said before spinning on my heels and heading towards my own dorm. 

Sleep wasn't all that clouded my mind, no. I had been wanting to pee since the longest time and there was only so much I could control.


	8. Chapter 7

I entered the troll house, my wand ready just in case today's drill had some surprise element, which were usually inserted by my instructor to torture me. 

Instead I found the room to empty, not even a single troll sat inside. On a normal day I'd find at least one extremely hungry troll ready to attack me and have me for lunch. This one time Thomas made the goal of my drill for me to feed the troll, and it wasn't a joke. 

"Funny," I muttered to myself as I looked around the empty room to find something at least. 

"Uh- Ernaline," I heard following a knock on the door. 

Reflexively, expecting an attack, I drew out my sword, turned around and tackled the source of the voice. 

A wide eyed Remus John Lupin lay on the ground with his hands above his head. "Dumbledore sent me!" He said quickly, "Not here to hurt you, promise." 

Offering him a hand, which he took immediately, I pulled him up and said, "You scared me for a second there. I thought you were my attacker or assignment for today." 

"For today?" Remus asked, his tone almost sounded disappointed, "You have one everyday?" 

"Well I do need to practice, yeah?" 

"Yeah apparently you do." He huffed, "And apparently you're right, I'm your assignment for today." 

"What nonsense Remus, I'm not going to fight you. No offense, but I have no intention of hurting you and if I were to fight you, it's bound to happen unless-" I stopped in the middle of my sentence realizing what this was. It was the full moon today and Remus was my intended attacker. What in the bloody world do they think they are? I wasn't going to attack an innocent werewolf! I gritted my teeth in realization of what this was. 

"Dumbledore gave me this letter, here," he said handing a parchment to me, "Told me you'd know what to do." 

_Dawn,_

_Stop planning my death in your mind already, this is NOT my idea._

_Lupin isn't able to handle his transformation since the wolf is growing at a faster pace than the boy himself. He needs some control and I was asked to take him under my ward._

_Turns out I'm too expensive for him._

_Guess what? You aren't. I'm giving you permission to teach him upto level 3. Don't reveal trade secrets._

_Also I just completed the 3rd book and- what the hell Dawn, that rat is your friend! How could you?_

_Love you_

_Don't kill me so soon_

_Thomas M._

"Ghrrr," I breathed reading the letter, "You can't tell anyone about this Remus John Lupin." 

"See, I honestly have no idea what you're talking about, so I don't think I can tell anyone about this. I don't even know why I would be an assignment, don't appreciate the objectification but professor Dumbledore insisted-"

"It's about your transformations Lupin," I interjected, "You'll be doing it with me today. Can't tell the Marauders. You'll have to be here every morning for lessons. Again, can't tell the marauders." 

Remus looked like I had pulled the air out of his lungs. He had stilled, or actually I should say he looked petrified. Hardly understanding why Albus Wulfric Percival Brian Dumbledore had sent him here without any explanation, I swatted his head gently to catch back his attention. 

"I don't know what you-you're," stuttered Remus, hardly able to finish his sentence. "I had asked the headmaster for help a month ago, I thought he'd completely forgotten. But, my question is how will you help me? Are you one too?" 

I shook my head, not letting the genuine hurt I felt for him reach my face. "No, sorry, I'm not a werewolf. I have an exceptional focus and control, however and that's something I can teach you-"

"Stop it! Teach me control? What do you think I wouldn't be doing it myself if I could? I don't need you to mock me." He growled, taking steps backward. "I don't understand what kind of a joke this is!" 

"I'm not making fun of you," I said softly, "Only trying to help here."

"I have enough help," He shouted behind him, after he turned around without wasting a single second. "Don't need yours." 

Right. I need to kill Thomas Merlin for ruining my morning. 

#### 

Severus awkwardly sat in the empty classroom, his robes perfectly hanging from his shoulders and his legs crossed. 

“Sev,” I announced, before walking into the room. “What are you doing here?”

He shuddered out of his deep thoughts at my intrusion and seemed to have been left without the ability of speech. His eyes were defined by the bags that underlined them, a permanent scowl stuck on his face. 

Unfolding his leg and regaining his composure he finally replied, “Didn’t expect you to be here Brown. Professor Slughorn has asked to supervise the first years who have gotten detention. Just waiting for them to arrive.” 

“I was just looking for an empty classroom to study.” I said, taking a seat of my own next to him, “Mind if I sit here?”

Severus only stared in acknowledgement, biting the inside of his lip. His face was devoid of expression, but his eyes masked the effect. 

“Why are you talking to me, exactly?” He asked, looking elsewhere. 

“You don’t want me to?” 

“I called Lily a mudblood! Are you only friends with her because it’s convenient? Don’t you care that I was an arse to your friend?” He asked, his words scornful. 

“Well, you aren’t one to accuse me of not being a good friend Severus, you were the one to call her _that_.” I said without losing the grin I had on from before. “Besides Lily is aware that I am not angry at you.” 

“She doesn’t mind, then? She’ll forgive me?” He asked, hopefully, and breathless. 

“She does mind,” I said, resisting the urge to give him a piece of my mind and tell him to get it together. "However I don't always act as I'm expected to, she understands that as well." 

"She didn't understand that when it came to me," he muttered. 

I pulled my potions books from my bag, laying down my quil on top of it. I answered, "Of course she didn't, you're hanging out with death eaters Severus." 

Severus waited, his eyes reflected the internal dilemma he faced and the conversation he was having with himself, but then he said it anyway. "Well how about the fact that you're hanging out with one right now?"

"Is that why you pushed her away by calling her a mudblood?" 

"Don't pretend to understand my actions," he seethed. 

"Oh Snape, I'm not pretending. But it'll do you good to remember that when this particular mudblood is at the end of your Death Eater wand, none of it will make any difference." I said knowingly. 

"She will never be at the wrong side of my wand, Brown. Don't you-" 

"You shouldn't pretend to know which mudblood your dark lord places in front of you to torture. You won't really have a choice." I said, with a crooked smile, mocking his choices. 

"Why are you here, Brown." He hissed. 

I didn't want to torture him more than he was torturing himself. "Just to remind you that when you really can't be at the wrong side of her wand, she won't be the one who's going to change the sides."

"Also, irrespective of the mark. When you do need a friend who aren't raging savages or Dark Arts fanatics, I'll be here. Keep out the nonsense when you decide to take up that offer." I added. 

####

Lucinda and I were walking to the Great Hall for a meal after a really long and exhausting class of Care of Magical Creatures. 

Two months into Hogwarts and I felt like I wasn't going to learn anything here. The classes were repetitive, the course was very bland compared to what I was used to. 

Inter-house rivalry existed in a much larger proportion than I'd anticipated. Everything, not just the points system, the house cup or quidditch but everything was about competition. Even the homework submissions were about that. It was a very exhausting concept that they practiced. 

"Stop it James this is Serious! This cut is huge!" I heard someone say as we approached the rounded corridor. "I'm so sorry, I really didn't mean it. I- you should stop accompanying me from now. It's, it's not safe." 

"Shh, shut up Mooney! Someone's coming." Said another voice. 

As we neared then, the discussion changed to the upcoming quidditch selections and how James could not be replaced as the chaser. 

But unfortunately for them, I already knew what was happening. Remus had attacked James in his wolf form and was now crushed by his own guilt. Typical of Remus. Not that I knew him that well personally, not yet. We had only had a few exchanges in class and on occasion when I sat with the marauders for meals and then there was the entire scene which happened at the troll house and we both have been ignoring it. But from what I understood of his character, from the books, it was something I'd expect from him. 

I had decided that somehow I must make friends with him. I had to help him out with this, no-one else would be able to, moreover he had asked for it. He was my favorite character, once upon a time when he was only a character. But now, as an alive person, he was someone I needed to know. 

After lunch, I tracked him down using his own map, which I'd stolen. His name 'Remus Lupin' floated in the kitchen block on the map. 

"Remus," I called out, finding him seated on the kitchen counter with a pudding in his hand. "I figured you'd be here. I was looking for you."

My sudden appearance took him by surprise. 

"You were looking for me? Why?" He asked, apprehensively. 

"Well, I saw James's cut and thought maybe you needed a friend right now."

His expression grew tense. "What do you mean?" He asked. 

Grabbing a cupcake myself, I seated myself next to him. "I've told you before, I can help you." I said, making sure my voice was soft. 

"Ernaline. It's none of your business anyway," he said. 

"I'm not planning to tell anyone, Remus," I said, "I mean you hardly know me and I know it's probably uncomfortable for you. But I just came to tell you that I might be of help." 

Remus's eyebrows knotted together in confusion and he mumbled, "It'll make me uncomfortable? I think we're not on the same page here." 

"Just listen, will you?" I asked before continuing, "I know another werewolf, from Arthur-Merlin's. That's why he joined AM, so that he could learn Merlin's created branch of magic through which he would have much greater control. He wanted to have more control during his transformations and he does now. 

"I'm not exactly allowed to teach all of the magic part yet, but you can practice meditation and focus-control techniques with me. It should help you till the wolfsbane research is ready." 

"I don't understand," he said, still unsure of how much he should trust me. 

"I'm guessing you're upset that you hurt your friend? I'm also guessing you want to be able to have some control during your transformations?" I asked. 

"If you know everything, why haven't you announced it to your entire house?" 

Even though I hated the accusation, Remus wasn't wrong to assume so. In general, I had myself formed a stereotype of students from different houses and it would be quite typical Slytherins behavior if I were to make this information public and make his life hell. 

"Salazar, Remus, it's not your fault. Others won't understand and it's not my secret to share." I told him. "I'm not scared of you either, and don't plan on sharing this information with anyone else, if that's what you're worried about." 

It took me almost half an hour to explain how the process works and how it would help him during the full moons. 

"Why are you trying to help me?" 

I didn't have any real answer to his question, in all honesty I understood how absurd and random this would feel to him. 

So instead of answering his question, I asked him one of my own. "What would you do if you knew I was a werewolf and had a way that could possibly help me?" 

"I would probably let you know? Or maybe just stay away knowing that you're a werewolf?" He answered, unsure, "But I definitely would have been less creepy about it. Wouldn't have stalked you to the kitchens." 

I laughed, and he finally let a small smile on. "You should have listened to me that day itself and I wouldn't have had to." 

"I'm sorry, I really freaked out." 

"What's wolfsbane? You mentioned it before." He asked. 

"You haven't heard?" I asked, folding my legs up and facing him. "It's a new potion, acconite based, they're researching on it. It would make sure you have full control during the transformation."

Hesitating Remus asked a final question before we both decided it was late and we needed to go back to our dorms. "Is there a catch here, I mean with the arrangement you suggested? Dumbledore had mentioned a fee. I don't have much money or anything to offer you, if that's what-"

"Please don't insult me!" I cut him mid sentence, feigning shock and a cry. "Plus I'm not yet fully qualified to charge you yet, I'm only level ten, but that's enough to teach you uptil level 3. That's all the clearance I have, by the way." 

He chuckled softly, nodding his head. "Thank you for this absolutely atypical conversation. I don't know if it'll help, but at least I'll have something to try now." 

"Actually Remus, there is a catch." I told him as we left the kitchen. "You can't tell anyone." 

Remus, scratching the back of his neck, said, "Um, I'll actively try, I promise, but they find out everything." 

"There is no actively trying, here. You can't say anything, I'll make you take an unbreakable vow if I have to." I paused, then added, "Feel free to use Dumbledore's name if you really have to give an excuse." 

"Right. Message received." He nodded. 

"Five thirty sharp. Every morning. They won't wake up by then, so that shouldn't be a problem."

#### 

_You Arsehole,_

_You knew he'd be uncomfortable and yet you sent him to me uninformed! You can't be like your enigmatic self with everyone else, Merlin. He has accepted the help, though._

_I am not friends with the Rat. Don't ever accuse me like this. I won't be sending the fourth book over for a while, only as punishment for this._

_Don't have too many updates to give. It's boring here. I miss Radford._

_Bye_

_Dawn_

_PS: The bad feeling about people dying is getting better. Doesn't make sense, but it is._

"Why are you here?" Said a voice, which I recognized as Sirius Black's, from behind me. 

Without turning to face him, I tied my letter to Targy's foot carefully, petting him and letting him give me a tiny peck on my hand. 

"Why do people come to the Owlery, Sirius?" I asked. 

"You have your own owl, you don't need to come here." He didn't sound like he was blaming me, but just curious. 

I let a small laugh leave me, "I thought you'd be smarter than that Black. Think about it again, and remember I'm a Slytherin." 

"How does that change anything?" He asked. 

"We live in the dungeons, literally under the great lake. How do you suppose we send out owls?" I asked, waiting only a second before answering my own question, "We have to come to the Owlery." 

Sirius seemed to dwell on that information for a minute. He hadn't thought about it, he hadn't realized that we didn't have normal windows. 

"Well, more reason to be happy about not being in Slytherin, though I don't have an Owl myself." He said, taking his own letter out and finding a free owl who could deliver the letter. "Who's Radford?" 

Bastard read my letter. "Well I thought we had established that you're not to invade my privacy again." 

"And I noticed you didn't mind much last time." 

Funnily, I actually didn't give a shit. 

The owl he'd found wasn't the most compliant, he pecked and pecked nonstop until Sirius was done tying the letter and he was fed his treats. 

I eyed him suspiciously and asked, "Why do you even want to read my letters?" 

"You just accused someone else of being enigmatic, for that I must inform you that you're a hypocrite. You're much, much more enigmatic and mysterious than anyone else. And that is a very good reason for me to be curious about you and your letters." 

"Radford is a friend, he's a level senior to me." I said as I finally gave Targy his own treat and let him fly away. "He doesn't care about completing his formal education. And before you assume anything else, he was just a better opponent than having to fight trolls everyday." 

He didn't completely believe me, but nodded anyway. "Are you pissed with James?" 

"Why would I be pissed with James?" 

"Evans is, and you're her friend." 

I picked my bag and started walking outside. "Well are you coming or what?" I asked when I didn't see him follow me. 

"Where are we going?" 

Without answering his question, yet again, I led him to a window outside the Owelry. It had a small ledge and you could pull yourself up onto the roof supporting yourself on the edge of the window. 

"Bloody brilliant, woman. How did you find this place?" Asked Sirius as he climbed up after me. 

"I like exploring roofs. It's the first time I've climbed this one." I told him, placing myself steadily, distant from the eave. "My moral compass is a little bent."

"Moral compass?" He asked, settling himself next to me. 

"Mhmm," I confirmed, "That's why I'm not pissed with James, even though according to you and even Lily, I should be. She thinks I'm closer to Lucinda because I'm pissed with Peter and not James or Severus. She's completely forgetting the fact that Lucinda wasn't connected to any of this, she doesn't even know Peter. Whereas Severus was her best friend and James is still her boyfriend."

"Wait, wait-wait. Back up a little." Breathed Sirius, "A lot actually. You're mad at Peter? More importantly what do you mean James is her boyfriend?" 

I looked at him to see if he's joking. 

_Ernaline Dawn Brown, when will you learn to shut the fuck up._

"Uh?" Was all that left my mouth. Should I lie and cover for James or should I just tell the truth since it'll come out eventually? I didn't see the point of lying when he'll eventually know. "They're dating in secret." 

"Are you telling me my best mate is dating in secret and I don't know?" He said, sounding irritated beyond reason. "This can't be happening. Come to think of it, he hasn't been talking about her excessively. There had to be something wrong, I should have noticed!"

"Lily didn't want to tell anyone, I'm sure he's dying to tell you," I started to explain but since it didn't make sense, I paused and instead, I asked, "Wait you were there afterwards, when James came after her. She did pretend-break-up with him, then. How can you not know?"

"I thought that was the usual chase-after-Lily because she's upset and then her-telling-him-off for it. Nobody mentioned a relationship." He stated, sounding genuinely hurt. "I'm honestly never going to forgive prongs for this."

"Try waiting and not reacting, I'm sure he'll find a way to tell you soon. Then you'll feel better about it too." 

We both lay on the roof, staring at the sky. Sirius, the star was obviously very visible to us, actually the entire constellation Orion was rather bright today. 

"Okay," said Sirius, finally. "This is quite random, but it's nice. I mean, I just came to send an owl back home but here I am, lying on the roof. With little miss Slytherin." 

"Little miss Slytherin, really?" I inquired, disliking the name. 

"It's what they've been calling you, you are sort of tiny."

If I'd let my natural reaction carry itself out, I'd hex Sirius Black for calling me tiny, or leave here for it. But taking a breath, I just simply told him to not call me tiny again. 

"Well, take it as a compliment but I'm definitely saying it again." 

Still curious about his casual mention of sending an owl back home, I asked, "So what was your letter about? I mean, you read mine, it's only fair I know about yours." 

"Nothing, I was just telling my bat of a mother 'No thanks I don't want to be a death eater,' she hasn't been able to grasp that. She thinks we'll all die if I don't do it." Answered Sirius too truthfully, "Well then, I'd rather we die than that." 

Surprisingly he didn't even think before telling me the truth. He just told me something I thought would be a deep dark secret with the easiest of smiles and at being asked once. Without any twisted answers, without any hitch. 

He caught my curious glance towards him and sensed my confusion. "What you thought I wouldn't say?" He laughed. 

"I can't really pass on an opportunity to tell my sob story, Brownie. Especially the one where I tell them that I won't be a Death Eater." He said, "The chicks dig it."

I grunted in response. "Don't count me in the category then." 

"Well, of course, you have your own category, little miss Slytherin." He chuckled, "What's your favourite quidditch team?" 

"I don't give a shite about Quidditch. Not anymore." 

Sirius's gaze found mine, his utterly confused expression displayed brightly on his face. "I thought you were on the team? You just got a Nimbus 800! You're telling me you give shite about it? Liar!" 

"It's not like that," I huffed, "I mean I'm very excited about the game in general, it's just lately been a sore topic. I've gotten used to being good at things after I put effort into them, but quidditch? I'll never be anything better than average."

"That's all rubbish, Quidditch is all about the game, the thrill and the flying." Said Sirius closing his eyes as though imagining it, "Oh, nothing in the world can be better than the air gushing against you as you fly. And the drop in your stomach everytime you take a dip and how rapidly your heart beats when you soar higher." 

We both laughed at his dramatic explanation of the thrill of flying, but we both knew how true it was. 

"Flying is fun," I agreed. "I just don't see the point of watching people do it or having a favourite team." 

"You owl is back already. That was bloody quick!" Said Sirius, looking distantly at an owl flapping wings towards us. 

"How do you know it's Targy?" I asked. Even though I could make out that it was him, it was his specific magical signature that I saw, but how had he known? 

Sirius shrugged as the owl neared us and sat itself on my arm, pecking me. I peaked the letter he carried and petted him. "Thanks Targy boy. Go eat something and then see if mom needs you." I told him. 

_Bitch,_

_YOU MISS RADFORD? How could you say that? How?_

_Stop breaking hearts, Dawn. Stop it._

_I'm the one who took all your shit and became the guinea pig for all your attacks, don't you ever dare give someone else credit._

_Be good to that boy in my stead, I'm incapable of such things._

_Marjorie misses you and sends you kisses. She says if you don't write her a separate letter she'll break up with you._

_Bye now, this is too much talk._

_Love,_

_Thomas_

I laughed instantly as I read the letter. I missed Thomas and his antics, they were positively my favourite part about life before Hogwarts. 

"Here," I said, giving the letter to Sirius. "You'll read it anyway." 

"Not like I understand it, but thanks Lil Miss Slytherin." 

"You're in a relationship with a Marjorie?" He asked immediately, "That sounds like a girl's name!"

I laughed and lay back down, and told him, "It is a girl's name and she's my best friend. Another instructor." 

"You have a very interesting life," he said. 


	9. Chapter 8

Finally the Hogsmeade weekend arrived and I slipped my knee high muggle boots under my robes. Them with the antifreeze charm was just so much more effective than only the charm. Sometimes my mother's theory of addiction to magic and use of muggle counterparts made much more sense to me, unlike all the other times I chose to dismiss it completely. 

I took a few sickles out of the spend section of my piggy-bank-drawers and pocketed them. 

I huffed seeing my hair matching those of Hagrids. I spelled them into a bun since that was the only way they would behave today. 

Making sure that I'd taken the permission slip, I ran out of the common room, rushed towards the carriages and asked to be taken directly to The Hog's Head. Lucinda and Flitwick had left much before me since I wouldn't skip practice even on holidays and they didn't want to waste any of their Hogsmeade time. Understandably. 

"Look who's finally here," called out Lucinda from inside the pub. "Come on here then, we ordered you a butterbeer." 

"You knew I've never had butterbeer before or the gillywater. My mum's been keeping me in the dark!" Flitwick cried in his squeaky voice. "This is brilliant Lucy, can't believe I haven't come here before." 

"Mhmm," I agreed, sipping my own drink. Lucinda had sweared upon the drink's amazing taste and claimed that there isn't a better drink in the entire Wizarding world. It wasn't a butterbeer, but something else entirely.

After hanging out at the pub for a while Flitwick dragged Lucy to Scrivencraft's Quill shop, while I went to check out Honeydukes to increase my hoard of sweets. We decided to meet back at Madam Puddifoot's Tea shop.

Entering the sweet shop, the sweetest of smells found its way to my nose, overwhelming my senses and overriding my brain. There were boxes and boxes of candy, some floated in mid air teasing the buyer and some sat on shelves. It was a colourful heaven.

I quickly bought myself my sweet supply for the rest of the school year. Cauldron cakes, acid pops, chocoballs, cupcakes, sugar quills and a jar of sherbet lemons. You name it and I had probably bought it for myself. 

What could I say, sweets were my weakness. 

Once I had concluded my sweet binge-buying, I set off to look for my friends again. When I didn't find either Lucy or Filius at the tea shop, I started walking towards the Srivencraft's assuming they were still occupied there. 

"Just because you have a Slytherin to hide behind, you think you can walk around like you're normal, _Goblin_. Go back to Gringotts where you belong." I heard someone say in a thick voice, followed by laughter. "Tut-tut, Filius, move out of our way." 

Immediately looking in their direction, I saw Filius and Lucy surrounded by Rossier, LeStrange and Umbridge. Their wands pointing towards Filius. 

Before I could do or say anything, with a swish of Umbridge's wand, Filius was Levitated. 

They all laughed and threw more comments about his short height and Goblin brain. If only they knew they were giving him a complement. 

Without showing myself, I disarmed Umbridge under my breath, wandlessly and let Filius fall. I had cushioned his landing, but to them it was funny that he was dropped from mid-air. 

Their laugh reverberated without stopping to search who disarmed the culprit.

"Back off, guys," I announced finally, rushing towards them and pulling Filius and Lucy two out of the scene. Their laughter only doubled, as though I'd added to the joke. 

"Come on Filius, let's get out of-" I had only started to say before I realized he hadn't stayed. He had already ran for the carriage. 

Instinctively I went after him, but only to be stopped by Lucinda. "Let him be for a while, Erns. This was a lot for him. He'll just probably see us as _Slytherin's making things worse_ , right now. Besides, how will we even get into the Ravenclaw common room?" 

I had known Filius for two months now, and I was confident that us being Slytherin wouldn't bother him at all. However, him needing space right now was something I could understand and only nodded back to Lucinda. 

We had waited for Filius at the Great Hall even after everyone else was done with their dinner, but to our disappointment, he didn't show. The idea of him being alone somewhere and after that incident made me very uncomfortable. 

"Lucy, you go on, I'll just check one last time and get back to our dorm," I told Lucinda before I sneaked out of the common room, with the Marauder's map in my pocket. 

Filius was hiding under the stairs in the Ravenclaw tower according to the map. Even though I found my way up the spiral staircase of the west tower, to the fifth floor, and found myself facing the door to the Ravenclaw common room, entering it would definitely be a task. 

"Where do vanished objects go," the door asked me. 

"Oh, thank Luna Lovegood!" I whispered to myself before I excitedly told the door my answer, "Into everything!" 

The door flung open and thankfully the corridor and the common room was deserted. Only Rawenclaws would be sleeping on time on a Saturday night. 

Following the map I reached the stairs but found nothing but a wall. "Filius Flitwick, come out!" I said, lightly knocking the wall. Almost immediately, a door appeared on the wall. 

"Ravenclaw has a private room of requirements! How did I not know that?" I muttered to myself, as I entered the under-stair cupboard, I found my tiny friend sitting in a corner, a book covering his face. "Filius, get that book out of your face. I've literally sneaked in here for you." 

Filius slowly brought the book down, but only revealing his bloodshot eyes. "How did you find me here?" He asked. 

"Not telling," I said, shaking my head to confirm that. 

"Why are you crying here?" I asked. 

"Really? You're asking me that?" 

"Yes, I'm asking you that! Those gits don't deserve to occupy your brilliant mind. Stop giving them and their actions importance. You didn't even come for dinner! Do you know how worried Lucinda was?" 

"Only Lucy?" 

"Well of course, did you expect me to worry about you, Goblin?" I snorted. 

Filius didn't know what to say, he only slammed his book shut and muttered a sorry. I looked at my friend and only shook my head before taking him into a hug. 

"You were having the loveliest time at Hogsmeade, don't let those bafoons spoil it for you!"

I pulled a tiny box out of my robes and set it in front of him, whispering a charm on its contents before I gave it to him. 

"What's this?" He asked. 

"Dung bombs to plant under Umbridge's bed." I told him, grinning. 

"Ernie, you know I don't care for revenge. Please take them back and-" 

"Oh shut up Filius, just open it." I cut him off mid sentence. 

He opened it and found honeydukes little cupcakes dancing inside the tin box. His face immediately lit up and his giggle echoed in the small space we were in. 

"This is- You're the best Erns," he sniffled a cry hugging me again, "I'm so glad you're my friend." 

"Stop sobbing, Oh Goblin of mine."

I had put the same charm I did on his stationary on his first day. I knew he'd use this to cheer his students later and assumed he would love it himself as well. I had the knowledge of the future to my advantage, _for once_. 

#### 

Funnily, sneaking out of Ravenclaw was tougher than sneaking in. Their common room had surprisingly filled in and Filius was hardly eligible to hide me. After a game of hide and seek with the entire house of Ravenclaw I stepped out and ran down the spiral staircase, directly into the dungeons. The map had confirmed that Filch was nowhere in my way. 

As I reached the Slytherin entrance, I pulled the map out to deactivate it. "Mischief mana-" I had started the incantation, but stopped midway when I saw two names hovering in the Slytherin common area on the map. Sirius Black and Rodolphus LeStrange. 

My mind went on a hyper-drive, imaging the worst of the situation. They could be hexing each other right, left and center or worse. 

Without wasting any time, I dashed inside the common room and saw something I wasn't expecting. A black pup was barking and attacking Rodolphus, who slipped his hands into his robe pockets, looking for something, most probably his wand. He was ready to attack the dog. Sirius Black, the idiot, was in his animagus form in the Slytherin common room. 

"Oh, Snuffles," I announced instinctively. "Oh thank Merlin, Rodolphus, you found him! I've been looking for him everywhere."

"Hagrid would have killed me if I lost him," I continued to explain his sudden arrival. "He's been breeding these pups and I thought I could handle one. I guess I'll have to give him right back tomorrow!" 

I scuttered towards Sirius, scooped him in my arms, said my final pretend thanks to LeStrange and took him right to my dorm room. 

To my advantage, and utmost relief, Lucinda was fast asleep. 

I muttered the Imperturbable Charm so that no one can eavesdrop on us before I turned Sirius back to his human form and hissed with all the anger I could muster, "For the sake of Godric Gryffindor you could have used your brain for once! Sirius Black, Lestrange would have killed you without a single thought." 

Sirius Black lay on my floor, naked, his eyes wide and questions stuck his throat. He opened his mouth to speak but closed it again. 

"Ughh," I screeched, clenching my teeth. I found a pair of extra robes and threw it on Sirius, "Just put them on. We need to leave and _now_." 

Sirius pulled the robes on himself but he still lay on the floor astounded by the events that just took place. He crawled towards my wall, and continued to stare at me in shock. 

"Are you bloody deaf, dog? Lucy will wake up any minute and no-one can know you're an animagus. Get up." 

"How-" He gasped standing up.

I pulled him to our window, and said, "No time for explaining right now. Let's get you out first." 

I pulled the window open and dipped my hand into the water outside our window. It was cold as ice. I wanted to punch Sirius for making me do this. 

"How on earth is the water not entering your room, we're literally at the bottom of the lake!" Sirius said, finally able to articulate words. 

"Magic, Sirius. I thought you'd know all about that Sirius Orion, of the most ancient and noble house of Black!" 

Sirius's expression faltered but his anger was obvious on his face. "How dare you get that into this, I'm nothing like-" he started to yell. 

"Don't yell, she's sleeping and you can't be exposed. And yes, I will compare you to them because you're acting like the lot. What did you think you'd achieve by strutting into the Slytherin common room as a dog? The LeStranges don't think before using unforgivables on humans and you were here as an animal, attacking Rodolphus Lestrange! 

"Pffft, just get into the lake already. It's going to be a long bloody night." 

Sirius's expression was bewildered, but he didn't argue. He wrapped my robes around him tightly, they barely managed to cover his chest, torso and upper thigh. He took a large breath before he started swimming up into the lake. I followed him but tugged him towards the other direction. 

The cold water slid against my skin as my arms moved in perfect strokes propelling my body upwards. There was something so calming and relieving about the motion, it became natural after a few strokes, I almost forgot the entire event that preceded it. 

Sirius struggled as the cloth that covered him floated away from him with every stroke. 

Even though the water was cold and the 40 seconds till we broke the surface felt like forever, it wasn't an experience I would call bad. 

Sirius was panting as we swam. "Towards the Whomping Willow." I directed him between breaths. 

Grabbing the slippery, moss lined edges of the lake I pulled myself and Sirius out. My robes clung on my body, and on Sirius's. 

The man had hardly had any muscle clinging to him, he wasn't malnourished but there wasn't any extra to share. How exactly did he manage to be a beater on the quidditch team, and a good one at that, I didn't know. 

Without meeting Sirius's eye, I continued to walk towards the Whomping Willow. I calculated my options. The most obvious and full proof one would be to obliviate him, but I wasn't very keen on that. 

"You're fit," he exclaimed shamelessly from behind me. 

"Oh that I am," I agreed, "Shame, you don't match up to your hyped up reputation." 

"What would you know about that?" He questioned, his feet crushing the grass with crunches. 

"Only that snogging you wouldn't be half bad knowing you've practiced enough to be okay," I said, sending a stone flying to the knot under the Willow, which controlled it. 

"Good Godric, that's impossible." 

"It's impossible that you can snog?" 

When I didn't get a reply, I turned to see his face, and only found his baffled expression. His face knotting with itself. "Well Black, you can be _bemused_ inside. Move your feet."

"Well, dry yourself will you?" I said letting the drying spell do its job on me and my robes. 

Sirius's lack of words, utterly lost expression and drenched state was a sight I would never forget. 

Noticing he didn't have a wand, I dried him and started the fire. The fireplace was small, but sufficient to warm the both of us. 

He cuddled into himself as we both sat on the wooden floor. 

"Why were you there?" I asked finally, breaking the silence. My words weren't harsh. 

"Uh- I was sneaking into Slytherin and he kind of caught me. I attacked him cause I thought it's- um- a good opportunity to attack him without being found." 

"Mulciber killed Narcissa's cat last week because it was annoying him. Not just killed, but Avadad _it_. It. That's what you were Sirius. Do you realise that? What would you have done if I didn't get there?" I said, folding my legs to myself. 

"I really don't know, worse case scenario I would have revealed myself. You make it sound really bad, in my head I was just snooping around. How did you even know it was me?" Sirius asked nervously. 

"Revealed yourself? Bloody, crazy dog." I muttered. I pulled the map out of my pocket and gave it back to him, to answer his question. 

"You had taken the map? But why would you even take a random piece of-"

"I saw it with Filch and its magical signature was just too large for me to not inspect it." I explained impatiently, "I- I thought I'd just keep it back, but I guess I didn't."

He stared at me in response, hugging himself tighter. We sat there for a while, just simply looking into the fire. 

I hated lying, but it's not like I could explain myself to him. 'Deep breaths', I reminded myself. 'I don't mean any harm.' 

"Ernaline," he said, meeting my eye, "Even Dumbledore can't read Magical signatures. That is just. I don't know, very unreal. Why is everything about you so unreal? I don't know what to believe, you just sprouted a lie to LeStrange as well. It wasn't just any lie, you made sure that he wouldn't question my sudden disappearance by calling me Hagrid's pet!" He shook his head regaining his composure. "I don't want to blame you, just. Please help me understand." 

I chortled at that, I not only agreed with him but also found his calm reaction unexceptional. I could feel my dimple forming as I began to speak, "I'm not saying it's easy, Sirius. I wake up two hours before everyone to practice _the art_ every single day. I was awful at first and Graffan, Thomas's father, had already declared that all his efforts were going to be a waste on me. But I needed to learn it. I needed to learn everything, occlumency, legimency, apparation, transfiguration, how to read magical signatures _and how to lie_." I paused to look at him before I continued. "I'm not saying I enjoy it, but it's something that was very important for me to learn in this war against Voldemort." 

Sirius glanced across at me in a mixture of awe, worry and sympathy, "Voldemort? You were bloody eleven, what did you know of Voldemort? You can _apparate_? Are you joking? Brown, what does it even mean that you needed to learn how to read magical signatures?" 

"I was ten actually, when I started. And I knew everything there was to know. Yes I can apparate, and yes I did get special permission from the ministry to learn and practice. So it's all legal." I said with a half smile, which turned into a scowl immediately with my next sentence, "Unlike some other people I know, who're doing things illegally." 

"People?" Asked Sirius, anxious. 

I chuckled and said, "Magical Signatures tell you everything, _Padfoot_ . It's not just to differentiate between muggle and wizard, but I can also sense differences between animagus, elves, goblins and _werewolves_." 

I made sure that I specified werewolves so that he knows that I know. I didn't want to lie anymore than I needed to. 

Sirius stood up, looking for his wand which he clearly didn't have, "No! You- you can't tell anyone." His voice faltered, "Remus is not like that, Ernaline, I swear he's very-"

"Smart? Kind? Your family?" I completed his sentence, "Sit down, please. I wouldn't ever tell anyone, plus Dumbledore already knows. Sirius, nothing is going to change. Specially, how people don't know that you're an animagus, that can't change. You can't tell anyone, none of you." 

"Why not?" he asked, simply. How was I to tell him because that's the only way he could escape Azkaban? I closed my eyes, tried not to clench my teeth and swallowed my spit instead. 

"Nobody is talking about it, but we're at the peak of a war." I said, "We need everything to be in our advantage. The ministry is infiltrated with death eaters. Just, don't. I haven't either." 

Sirius finally sat back down, right next to me, as he said, "You haven't? You're also an animagus? Is there anything you can't do?" 

"I'm no genius, I have been slogging and practicing and meditating. Dancing." I said, missing Marjorie's routines. I rested my head on Sirius's shoulders and his head fell over mine. "Doing stupid drills and camping for practice. I was, I was very determined to not be scared of this war. I have been preparing for it every waking moment of my life, the part I can remember, anyway." 

"The way you put it, it makes the rest of the world, including myself, exceptionally stupid for not preparing for the war so practically and fiercely." He said, lifting his head to face me briefly. "Thanks for saving my butt tonight. Though I didn't know I needed saving." 

I wanted to tell I was jealous of the way the rest of the world functioned, without the knife of impending doom looming over them. I wanted to tell him that I almost wished I didn't remember anything from the books, but for the first time in a long time today, I could help and make a difference because I had extra information. 

"It can get very exhausting, I forget to live sometimes," I told him, instead. 

He extended his arm around my shoulder and gently rubbed it for consolation. My robes had fitted his body, but only covered half of his length and much less of his arms. His skin softly rubbed against my neck before his arm rested on my shoulder. 

"Well I can always remind you to live and you can always bring me back to reality with the war," he said. "We could be best of friends." 

I whipped my wand enlarging my robes to his size. "Well yes, we'll have to be. At least if I have to teach you how to transfigure your bloody robes everytime you transform into an animagus." 

He laughed, "Oh yes, friends with benefits are always better, aren't they?" 

His laugh was soft but it ran throughout his body. His chest and abdomen rose, his feet moved and his head threw itself back. It was pleasant, almost. 

After a long pause, when both our reactions had died and I had given him enough time to ponder on the situation we were in, he said, "Ernaline you knew about the shrieking shack too, I- I really want to trust you but everything is pointing me towards a sign which says 'run!' Can you fix that?" 

I wasn't entirely sure if I didn't want him to run in the other direction from me. Half my mind was convinced that it would be a lot easier that way. "I'm a smart witch, Black. Smarter than you give me credit for." 

"Well, I have expressed on multiple occasions that I do give you much, much credit for your smartness." He answered with equal composition, "But it happens so that this is just too much to digest for me, Brownie." 

"Smart you are, _Blackie_. You'll figure it out soon enough." 

He looked at me, assessing if there was any point in him inquiring further. The glint in the grey of his eyes spoke volumes of his confusion, of his discomfort, of his lack of complete trust. He was so readable. 

"Well, then would the smart witch teach me how to transfigure my robes in my animagus form then? Maybe I could help with my own talent, she says I have a _reputation_ for it." He offered instead of questioning me further. 

"Help me?" I laughed, "Don't tell me the school gossip of my celibacy has reached you too, since it's positively false. If anything maybe I could teach you a thing or two." 

The boy looked shocked, shocked enough that without missing a beat he asked me, "Who did you even date before school?" 

I snuggled deeper into his embrace, chuckling. "Who said anything about dating? Never been in a relationship. I only had friends who liked to _indulge_." 

"What?" He asked, hinging his neck down to be able to see me better, "At least I care to try and date them. It never works out is a totally different issue." 

"Well you could say _I had_ a reputation back where I come from," I told him. The fire continued to crackle before us, the wood hardly exhausted itself. Magic, I thought. 

Sometimes I was caught in moments like these where magic was so apparent. 

"Radford?" He asked, with a grin. Making me laugh as well. 

"Well, he was mostly an opponent but sure, he was indulgent as well." 

Sirius gave me a quick sullen look, but recovered from it faster than he managed to find himself there. 

"Sirius, Radfords is a nobody, you know that right?" 

"Huh?" He questioned, "I thought you missed him?" 

"That was my way of saying I need a new opponent and I'm bored out of my mind of trolls." I explained, tying my hair into a bum. "I hated being paired with Radford, he's the biggest arse in the arena. I miss him as in, the trolls are so bad that I'd have taken him instead."

"Oh," said Sirius, understanding. But changing the topic, he asked, "What changed here?" 

"What changed? Have you seen the boys at this school? Nobody makes me want to have that reputation. No intellectually stimulating conversations, no freakishly haught bodies, no good looking blokes in general, not even the polite nods and the cute remarks. Positively dreadful, I say." 

Sirius pealed himself away, looking at me funny, "Just by the way I'm sitting right here, I might not have that freakishly haught body you mention but the rest of it is me. I'm even a Gryffindor as an added bonus. Secondly, you know that you're scary as fuck right?" 

Genuinely confused, I only huffed as I asked, "How? I haven't done anything to scare anyone, I make sure to keep away from all sorts of fights and such." 

"You're mysterious and you just seem so unfazed by everything," he said and then paused to look at me, "Don't take it the wrong way but you talk like an inferi sometimes. Cool crisp sentences, you don't let the emotions reach your eyes. It's quite scary, and sometimes very attractive."

"I like that, I think," I said, letting my lips extend from ear to ear. "Scary and attractive sounds good to me." 

Sirius Black rolled his eyes, "Well right now you're blushing and you look cute. Your impression on me has been ruined, Brownie." 

"Don't you dare call me cute," I said in mock anger. "Blackie!" 

A low chuckle escaped him, as I snorted myself. Sirius once again wrapped his arm around me, pulling me in and placing a tiny kiss on my forehead. 

"So what now? Why did you bring me here?" 

"Where else could I have taken you? It's literally in the middle of the night." I told him flatly. 

His nose lingered at my forehead after the kiss, for longer and his head dipped to rest there. "How did you use the map, how did you even know the right incantation?" He asked. 

"Do we have to keep going in circles?" I countered. 

"Why can't you answer my questions?" 

I pulled the map back from him, tapping it with my hand as I muttered 'I solemnly swear that I am up to no good,' in my mind. Never did I feel so thankful for being able to do wordless magic. "I didn't need an incantation. I'm just _special_."

We remained in the same position. Sirius didn't ask more questions and I, for a change, didn't get lost on a completely different chain of thought pertaining to anyone's death. There was a tension that teased between us. Distrust or maybe just a lack of understanding existed, but there was also comfort. 

It must have been a long time before we moved again, since the birds had started to chirp. The Willow shuddered again. 

"We should get some sleep," I said, breaking the silence we had maintained for hours. It wasn't unpleasant silence, just thoughtful. "Want to go back?" 

I heard him breathe against my hair and hold me tighter, with both hands this time. "Let's just stay here for a while." He said. 

"Do you want to go to Hogsmeade with me?" I asked. I don't know what took over me, I had no idea how and why did I just end up asking Sirius Black to Hogsmeade. It was Hogwarts version of asking someone on a date and I had never been on a date. 

"Are you asking me on a date?" He asked, his eyes brightened. 

On date with a potential dead person who'll serve in azkaban for twelve years for no fault of his own other than trusting that rat, Peter. 

I rolled my eyes. "Well I heard from somewhere that you don't indulge otherwise."

"Well then let's get some sleep, Sunday is still Hogsmeade weekend, even though hardly anyone will end up going today. We can take the noon carriage?"


	10. Chapter 9

"We've been at this for twenty minutes, Brownie. Can't you just decide what you want to have?" He asked, sipping his butterbeer, as he waited for me to decide my own order at the Three Broomsticks. 

I wanted everything on the menu, but I was skeptical that whatever I'd order would be the one thing that wasn't good. "Just get me whatever you got. I don't know what I want." I told Sirius, maintaining my usual cool voice. Sirius shook his head in response before placing the order for me as well. 

"Didn't know Little miss Slytherin, the mighty swordswoman was scared of ordering food!" Said Sirius in his usual dramatic way. 

I raised my right eyebrow, crossing my hands on my chest. I refused to react more than that to his comment. 

"Fine, okay. But what are you scared of then?"

"The day when I won't know things that aren't supposed to be known and I'd be expected to explain them anyway." I said, without missing a beat. 

I was scared that the books will end and everything they say will come to pass, and I'll be left alone with the guilt and without any further knowledge. I always had the advantage of knowing the future, and I wasn't entirely prepared for a day when I wouldn't.

Sirius jerked his neck back, now learning on his chair and thoughtfully looked back at me. "Very cryptic. Very interesting. Are you suggesting you know things that aren't supposed to be known? Can I know them too?" 

"No, you can't. Maybe I do, maybe I don't. So what have you ordered for me?" 

"I just asked Rosmerta to surprise you," said Sirius, shrugging. 

"So what are you scared of?" I asked him.

He looked up at me, thought for a second and said, "Umm, not much. Maybe not having control of my life? Getting old, oh yes that scares me to shits. Or maybe I'm just scared to become a part of the Black sky and remain there as the brightest star, only to remind people that it's night. I'd rather be invisible and let people soak in the sun." 

I laughed. "Right, there's no competition you know. You didn't have to match my level of cryptic." 

The pub seemed almost empty today, compared to how it overflowed yesterday since all students preferred to visit on Saturdays rather than Sundays. Students were typically allowed to visit on only one of the two days. Even though they had both visited yesterday, they'd gotten their way to the village hiding on one of the carriages with the few students who decided to visit today. The only catch being: McGonagall should never find out. 

There were hardly a few tables that were occupied and the maddening noise was missing. 

A tray came flying out of the kitchen and slid onto our table. There was an assortment of snacks and instead of the standard pint of butterbeer, there were four much smaller quantities of different beverages. 

Rosmerta, who was only a young girl, hardly a few years older than us, followed the tray shorty and in her chirpy voice, said, "Well, Sirius here tells me you were having trouble selecting your dishes so I've gotten you our children's combo and our four classic flavours of butterbeer. Enjoy!" 

"Thanks," I told her, with a smile, actually glad about my meal. She nodded, returning the smile and left us alone. 

“I thought you’ll drive your sword out and through me at the mention of the kids meal,” chuckled Sirius, “But you seem rather happy with it.” 

“Focus on your own food, Black.”

He threw his hands up in surrender and tried to hide his grin, unsuccessfully.

"So, what do you do on these dates then?" I asked, earnestly.

Letting his lips form into a crooked smirk Sirius looked up, diverting his attention from his food towards me. "Let me get this straight," he said, amused. "You have never been on a date before and you're nervous now. Confused even. You're asking me to teach you how to do this right, yeah?"

"Don't be smug, I just want to understand the purpose of this arrangement." I told him, unruffled by his attempts. "Tell me then." 

Sirius looked muddled by his own attempt to get a reaction out of me. "The purpose is to find out if you enjoy the other person's company." 

"How does a meal help in that?" 

Taking a giant gulp of his butterbeer, he answered, "Well it doesn't have to be a meal. It can be anything." 

"Hmm, fascinating." I said thinking about it. I had never purposely spent time with someone to get to know them. Moreover, I had never chosen an activity for the purpose of getting to know the person I do it with. It had always been about the activity or the event rather than a person. For instance, I chose to pursue swording, hence I found people and got to know them and so on and so forth. 

"Never thought of taking out time to get to know a person." I added. 

"Fascinating?" He said in disbelief, "Merlin, you are fascinating. I'm glad I was worthy of your precious time." 

"You should be," I told him, "I haven't compromised on my practice or meditation in six years and I pushed it to the evening for you today. Not that much of a bad experience, at least the food is great." 

"At least the food is great? You wound me with your words, Brown. I'm hurt." He said, clutching his heart and feigning an expression of distraught.

Allowing a simper to play on my face, I said, "Well then I'll make sure not to throw complements at you again, if it makes you feel so hurt, Black." 

Sirius's covetous expression froze into place and his gaze travelled on me. He didn't even seem to try to hide as his eyes travelled from my food to my hands and then up my arms. Without blinking they stared at the dip in my neck above my collar bone and then glided smoothly to my chin.

He took his time as he let his eyes linger upon my lips and cheeks before he finally met my eyes. 

Shifting his forearm nearer to me on the table, he asked, "You don't look like an alien, why do you behave like one?"

"Maybe I am an imposter from another planet or time, just pretending to be someone here and now." I said, imitating him and closing some distance between us.

Even though it was supposed to be said in jest, it felt more true than anything else I had told him about myself. I probably was exactly that.

"Well, that wouldn't be so bad. It could be possible, actually. You know, with how _riveting_ you are." He said, letting his accent thicken.

The rest of our meal was had in peace, leaving a few exchanges comprising of backhanded compliments and some of his snarky remarks. 

Leaving the pub we decided to take the longer route and walk back to the castle instead of taking the carriage. The chances of being caught by McGonagall were very high.

Dragging his boots through the snow Sirius asked, "So any new roofs you've found lately?" 

The sound of his boots against the snow continued to hiss in my ears like chalk screeches against the board. 

"Stop making this disgusting noise and I'll tell you." I hissed.

"Oh Merlin, finally! I was beginning to think that nothing can get you riled up," he announced, enjoying his discovery. "You were unflappable, I even picked food from my teeth. Said everything I could to annoy you. I thought I'd have to call upon the muggle god to make you seeth through your teeth like that!"

Quickly collecting myself, focusing on my own thoughts. The hilt of Excalibur flashed in my mind and a mouth turned upwards at the memory. It was still the one thing that was the easiest for me to focus on, instantly making me gain control. 

"Sorry about that," I told him gently. 

"You're sorry that you got irritated when I have been trying to irritate you since the entire morning?"

"Well, if that's one of the things you're supposed to do on dates then I didn't even have to try and I've managed to irritate you just fine," I said, managing a giggle.

Upon reaching the castle we decided it was too obvious that both of us were missing and our friends would find out about our adventures. So to avoid answering too many questions we'd spend the rest of the day with Hagrid and explain only that part. 

"You're a sneaky liar. Or half-truther, whatever." Breathed Sirius. 

"I am," I agreed. "A half-truther, I mean. But then everyone is, so I guess it's fine."


	11. Chapter 10

Christmas came faster than I'd expected. I had my bags packed and ready for the tomorrow, they sat upstairs in my dorm.

I had finally made up my mind to do something that I planned on doing since the first day of Hogwarts. I planned on finally talking to Merlin's portrait. 

"Myrddin Wyllt," I called out as I reached his portrait.

"Who called me by my name?" He exclaimed immediately, in his thick voice.

I approached him, pinning him in place from my finger as he was about to run into the next portrait. "That would be me and I didn't think you'd be someone to run away from anyone, the Great Merlin." 

"I wasn't, I was simply trying to chase the voice that called me by my birth name!" He said, startled by my accusation. "But perhaps I would run away if it came to that, sometimes it's only fair that you do. Leave it to Gryffindors to be brave and all that!" 

I eyed him suspiciously, "You seem like a false copy to me." 

"Well, I have been going bonkers sitting in this painting since many a century, thanks! Barmy brilliance is what I am. Falsehood isn't exactly my forte." He said, making absolutely no sense. 

"Mhmm," I said, for the lack of a better reply. "Well, then I'll catch you at a better time when I'm back." 

This was of no use at all, I thought to myself. 

"Miss Brown," I heard from behind me as I was about to leave the common room.

"Black," I uttered in return, facing the boy now. 

"How did you know who I was?" He asked instantly. 

"How did you know who I was?" I countered with a similar speed. 

He looked at me suspiciously but didn't question further. "Fair enough," he said. "Were you just talking to the painting?"

"I did attempt that, yes." 

"Absurd," he said, letting his face look more confused than before. "Anyway, Rosier sent me here. He said if you'd like to stay back for the holidays, he'd like to introduce you to someone."

I weighed his words carefully. Rosier, who I'd hardly spoken to more than once in my life, a future death eater or maybe a current one, wanted me to stay back? Sounded like a good plan if I was to do some sneaking around, but I'd rather first deal with the information I already have then find more of it.

"You can tell him that I can't stay back," I said after thinking about it enough.

He nodded happily and was about to turn and rush out before I stopped him. "Regulus, I'd rather you don't stay back as well." 

"That's the plan," he said innocently. "Until someone decides to force me to stay, I'm going to go back for hols." 

_Until someone decides to force me_ , he'd said, without realizing what it meant. He was only a child, so naive and carefree at that. 

Taking a deep breath I walked back to my bed and tried to find peace in its comfort.

####

"Come on Luce, we'll get some shit compartment if you don't hurry!" I said, pulling her away from Filius who had decided to stay back for the holidays. "Sorry Filius but I have said goodbye to you four times now and I'm not doing it for a fifth. Happy Christmas, write to me." 

"I was under the impression that you would sit with Sirius, you know the boy who you went on a secret date with!" She said, trying to make me feel guilty about not telling her about it. 

I sneered but didn't defend myself. "No darling, I've decided to be a pain in your arse instead. I know you'll be the one missing me anyway."

"You wish," she retorted. 

"I do," I told her.

We both boarded the train, waving a final goodbye at Filius before starting on our hunt for an empty compartment.

"Come, this one's empty," she said. 

We both pushed our luggage below the seats and Lucinda batted the seat with the daily prophet to clear the dust settled on it. 

"You're a witch you know." I reminded her. 

She gave me a surprised look and said, "Sure but I thought it's easier that way, plus we're leaving Hogwarts now and no magic outside-"

"Ah, ladies," beamed a voice cutting her mid-sentence. A voice belonging to Sirius Black. "So are you willing to share the compartment with us?"

"No," I told him flatly. 

"No?" He asked, seeming genuinely disturbed by my answer. 

"Sirius, I'm not sure Lucinda will be comfortable with the company of _all_ four of you," I said, hinting at Peter. Not mentioning that I was much less comfortable with his company than Lucinda was. 

"Uh-sure, Remus and I will sit here and the other two can sit in another compartment?" He suggested. "Others are full, you see."

I eyed Lucinda to see if she's comfortable and shrugged at her to leave the decision on her.

"Yeah sure," she said, almost sounding excited, "Come on in then."

Both the boys entered and as expected from a normal wizard, Remus flicked his wand to clear the dust from the seat before sitting. 

"So Ernie tells me you're as much of a Quidditch fanatic as I am," started Lucinda facing Sirius and their conversation trailed to details of Quidditch I was just simply not interested in. 

I rolled my eyes at them. Of course, my crazy best friend wants to befriend Sirius Black. What will she do when she'll be made to think that he's a murderer? 

No bad thoughts, I told myself. 

Remus laughed sitting next to me, "I thought you liked Quidditch." 

"Oh, I do. I like sex as well, but I still don't like talking about how someone else did it for the four hundred and fifth time and what instruments they used for practice." I said tight-lipped, "I'm sure you get the point." 

Remus coughed in response while Lucinda and Sirius shut up mid-conversation and decided to stare at me instead. 

"Well go on then you two," I told them, "Let Remus and I have our own private conversation." 

It took a minute for them to align their thoughts but they eventually fell back into the conversation. Sirius, however, made sure to throw a raised eyebrow at me before he returned his attention to talking a lot with Talkalot. I mean a lot. 

"They seem to get along fine." Commented Remus. "I think we get along fine too. Even James likes you. So do clear up something for me," he said, turning to face me, "Sirius has been telling us about your relationship-"

"-He's delusional. There is no relationship." 

"And about the date, you guys went on," He added. "And how the roof of the Owlery is his new favourite place-" 

"-No, it's mine! He just likes to copy me," I blustered.

"Let me ask the complete question woman!" 

"Fine okay, go ahead," I told him. 

Remus cleared his throat and waited for a second, making sure I wasn't going to interject again. "Since you've cleared up the relationship part for me. Tell me, the date was a date right?" 

"It was," I confirmed. 

"I was told it was good." 

"It was," I confirmed, again.

"And why didn't it happen again?" 

"I don't know how it works, Remus. I was expecting him to tell me about the follow up etc." I said truthfully and then turned to Sirius. "Sirius, why didn't we go on another date?"

"Uh- Do you want to go on one?" He said, suddenly looking out of place and giving Remus a disappointed look. 

"We'll see about that. Answer my question first." 

"I thought I'd give you time to wrap your head around it." He uttered, clearly a lie.

"Lies are distasteful," I stated. 

Sirius looked like he'd been left at a cliff with a dragon chasing behind him. Positively distraught. "We can discuss the details of it in private? You know, about the entire thing." 

"Maybe on our second date?" He added, cheerfully this time. 

"Sure, I'll pick you up at 5 on 1st January. Be ready." I said looking at him with a cheesy grin.

"You'll pick me up?" He asked, unsure. 

"Why, you seem to have already pushed this far enough. I don't trust you with follow-ups." I told him flatly. 

Sirius shifted in his seat considering my words but didn't deny them either. "Alright then, I'll give me my address-"

"No need," I told him, offering no explanation.

"Right." He said, before once again resuming the conversation with Lucy. This time Lucy shot me odd looks which I didn't want to comprehend. They had to be some sort of sly remarks about the recent turn in our conversation.

"You're usually not that forthcoming." Said Remus. 

"We're usually meditating when we're together, Remus. How would you know if I was forthcoming or not?" 

Looking confused, he challenged, "Oh come on, we have conversations." 

"No, it's my time to meditate. I avoid external conversations." I corrected him. 

Remus nodded in understanding but didn't look very happy about it. He had been trying his best to concentrate on our sessions, but by habit, he was always ready to spring a conversation.

"Well, we should count the one when I finally convinced you," I added. 

"Yes we should," he agreed with a small smile. "Does he know? Because it feels like he knows." He asked me in a whisper.

"He doesn't know about our arrangement, but he knows that I know." I said, "If you want we can tell him about the rest of it."

Remus's face brightened immediately, he nodded again. His straight brown hair softly landed on his forehead. He had these particular sparkling brown eyes in which anyone could get lost in. 

Lucky you are, Dora Tonk. Lucky you are. 

"You know, we could go on one of our own dates Remus," I suggested, politely but loudly enough to be heard by everyone.

"I'm sitting right here witch," said Sirius, now sliding between the two of us. "Or did I hallucinate when you just told me that you'd be picking me up on New year's?"

"Oh shut up, I never agreed to date _only_ you, I agreed to go on another date with you. Large difference." I said, pushing him back to his seat. "Either way, it'll be the friendly kind, Remus. You know how you do an activity together to get to know a person."

"She thinks she suddenly knows what she's talking about. I taught you that!" Exclaimed Sirius. 

"Sure you did, love." I agreed nonchalantly, then faced Remus again for an answer. 

Remus and I agreed that we'd discuss the details of our date through letters since neither of us trusted him to not sabotage it if he knew. 

"So you're telling me you'll be dating other people as well?" Asked Sirius as the train came to a halt. 

"If I find them equally interesting, why not?" I told him. 

"Fine," said Sirius. He told me he'd better find James before he disembarked the train. 

#

"Marjorie, Thomas!" I squeaked, as I engulfed them in a hug. "Finally, you're here! Come in!" I told them. 

Thomas and Marjorie had come for dinner the day I came back home. They apparently had lots of updates, and they were both dying to talk to me as much as I was longing to talk to them.

"Gurge," I said, calling my brother, "This is Marjorie and this Thomas. And this is my brother Gerhardt Brown." 

"I can't believe she kept you from us for four years!" Announced Marjorie as if she didn't know why I'd kept them away. She extended her hand for my brother to shake and Thomas followed her suit. 

Gerhardt gave me a soft look and smiled at them both warmly. "Please come in," he said, "I think I've heard so much about you that I might be able to claim I've known you from years!"

I poked my elbow at Gerhard and led them in.

"He knows that we practically live at your house right? I mean even when you're not here?" Whispered Thomas. 

I lifted and dropped my shoulders, in an attempt to convey I had no idea if he knew or not.

Even though my brother and I had been talking much more than we did in the last five years and we had even come to like each other's company, he didn't know everything about me and I would guess, there was much for me to know about him as well.

"Ah, Cahwel!" Said Thomas, taking my mother into a hug. "Abster!" 

Gurgie gave me a look of confusion but shook his head into a smile. 

We sat on the dining table, letting Marjorie fill us in on all the new gossip that came to pass at the Sherwood community. She had always been the one to know these things whereas Thomas only stuck to his own life and the life of a few others he had chosen.

It was funny actually, like our own inside joke. She was a muggle and no-one could ever tell.

"Graffan's been getting Ernie's new home and arena all set up," said Thomas, taking a bit of his food. Chewing, he shamelessly continued, "You know, for when she passes all levels. We're all very excited to have a new member."

My father's face lost colour and mother let her spoon rest on the plate. "Explain," she said looking at me. 

"Don't look at me, I have no idea what Thomas is talking about. You know he just springs these things at you and expects you to know about them." I huffed in surrender.

When my mother continued to give me the look, I further explained calmly, "Mom, he literally didn't tell me before turning me into an animagus. You have to believe me when I say I don't know what he's talking about." 

Gurhardt looked like lightening had struck on him but both my parents just relaxed back into their seats waiting for answers. They were too accustomed to information being sprung on them like this, but they obviously didn't like it anyway.

"She's right, for once, Cahwel," said Thomas, finally. "This is supposed to be her graduation present. Her AM graduation anyway, it's just that I was forced to inform you all about it." 

"We figured the part where you were _forced_ , Thomas," Said my father, almost playfully. "Otherwise we'd never have known before our daughter had already moved to this secret community of yours." 

"It's not like that," Marjorie said, attempting to rescue Thomas. "It's just that, in so many years she's the first outsider who has managed to reach the tenth level. It's a big deal for all of them, and well, when she does complete all thirteen levels she'd get clearance as an instructor herself." 

Thomas gently bobbed his head at Marjorie's words. Still chewing, he added, "And we can't have her teaching elsewhere, so she'd get her own place of course. You should honestly be superbly happy Abster, you know that we earn pretty well. Of course you'd know. Everyone's thrilled, really." 

I made a face, realizing I had no idea how much my parents paid for my education. Surely it couldn't be more than the Hogwarts fees? 

"It's not about the money and you know it Thomas," said my father sternly. 

Taking a breath he got up from his seat and walked towards the kitchen, "Everything with you three keeps getting more real too early, I need a drink."

"I wouldn't mind some too!" Said Thomas excitedly from behind him. 

"No way you're getting any!" Growled my father from inside. 

My mother rolled her eyes, "When will you start acting like an adult Thomas. You're twenty seven, start acting like it." 

"When Ernaline starts acting like a child." He told her, with a smirk and winking at me. 

"Oh no, you don't wink at me for that Mr. Merlin." I said tutting at the end. "You will explain yourself." 

And he did. 

After Thomas had laid down how all the instructors had their own homes with their own arena and so on, he went on to explain that they wanted to extend the courtesy to me as well. He said I'd become a part of their community, family and convinced my parents that there was nothing to worry about, it was only a step to secure my future and I could take my time with it. 

My parents looked relieved enough, but my brother didn't quite get there. This was news to him. He however didn't say anything.

The conversation soon turned to the usual banter and left all of us laughting. Marjorie had bought her box of music and the muggle tunes played softly in the background. 

The night came to an end and we stood at the door seeing them off.

"Thanks for the lovely dinner Browns," chimed Thomas cheerfully before disapparating with Marjorie.

"That was quite, _"_ started Gurgie, _"anticlimactic."_

Not understanding his remark I asked, "Why what did you expect?" 

It was the first time I had invited them over during holidays, with Gerhardt present. I was already nervous about his reaction during dinner but it had gone smoothly. Did he just pretend to be polite and not appreciate their presence?

"Just that I was beginning to enjoy their company and they left all of a sudden." He said with a shrug. 

"Enjoyed their company?" I asked, surprise clear in my voice. 

Instead of answering my question Gurgie told our parents we'll be back soon and shut the door behind us. They gave us suspicious looks since we'd hardly been friendly in years, which I reflected as well but they let us leave. 

I didn't know what was happening.

"Of course I enjoyed their company." He said, envoloping me under his arm. This warmth felt awkward, but I didn't struggle out of it. "It was weird for me too, I didn't know so much about you. Didn't expect you to be an animagus! They were nice, a little too loud maybe, but nice." 

"So you're not mad about the entire house for _Ernaline_ and special permission for _Ernaline_ to perform magic outside school and swordsmanship…?" My voice trailed, but the question hung between us. 

Gurhardt had become so tall, his muscles thick, visible through his robes and his hair were cut only milimetres from his scalp. I had almost forgotten to notice how big he'd gotten. I think the last I remembered him was with his long straight hair coming in front of his eyes and his tiny frame hovering over me. 

All this time in between just seemed to be missing. An unknown feeling, which was neither too hurtful nor pleasant emerged in me. How did I not notice my own brother? Did I become so consumed with my own life and with the books? 

"No, Ernie, of course not." He answered, "I'm incredibly proud of you. I-I feel stupid for ever not showing that to you before. It's horrible that you've become this crazily successful witch and you're amazing at this thing that you love and I wasn't there to cheer you throughout that." 

We continued to walk towards the nearest ice-cream parlour. There weren't many words we had for each other, but it was a nice walk either way.

"I haven't felt like the big brother I was always supposed to be in a long while Ernie," he said pulling me closer. "I am glad you found me in the Great hall when you did."

There was just something in him that had changed today, something that made me feel that he'd grown up spectacularly from the day I'd confronted him about sorting his life out. 

####

"You haven't gotten as lousy as I suspected," Thomas said wiping the blood that trickled down my arm from my shoulder. 

"You didn't have to curse me so bloody horribly to find that out," I groaned as the pain continued to throb through my arm and shoulder. "I mean what if I couldn't counter it and I had become lousy? It would have severed my bloody hand off!" 

"Easy, easy Dawn." He said, throwing a few healing spells at me. "You have agreed to be surprised by me and my hexes. I was just getting real about what you'll be facing in the world."

"This is a bloody cursed wound, it'll take weeks to heal. Thomas I have two dates!" I complained. 

He had laughed at my idea of going on dates with both the marauders. "Your attraction towards potentially dead people is just adorable, darling. But it serves you well for getting it on with both of them. You're hardly sixteen, you're getting too naughty." 

"I am _not_ getting it on with both of them," I corrected him cooly. "They are just simple dates." 

"Never knew you did those. You were always more of a snog and leave type of a person." He chuckled, wrapping a bandage on my arm. "I still remember that Kingsley guy's face when you told him it was just a one time thing." 

"I'm exploring," I explained, simply.

Kingsley Shacklebolt had become a close friend since he'd started attending the academy last year. He was much older than me, a Hogwarts graduate actually. What he didn't know was that I was only fifteen at the time. 

Not only were my skills as good as an adult, but because of my vigorous training my body had started to resemble that of a much older person. My muscles were taught, my abs peaked from the cross vested fighting robes, my jaw and facial feature had become more prominent. I even behaved like an adult. Everything, except of course my height which was shorter than anyone else I knew, suggested that I was around twenty years old at least. 

Not fun, but came in handy a lot of times. 

He and I sort of had a fling which escalated and I had found myself hitting the sack with him. But the next day I'd gone back to my usual self and told him off for even thinking that that was anything more than just fun. He didn't take it well at first, but didn't want to give away the friendship we had. 

Thomad and Marjorie had berated me for not _getting it on_ with the future Minister of Magic. 

"Where is he anyway? Kings?" I asked. 

"Want to explore him again, too?" He asked with a twinkle of excitement. "He's joined the auror training with Alastor and has put swording behind him. He's out of funds actually, otherwise I would have called him names." 

"I still can't believe Mad Eye is your cousin. Every time I think about it, I have a mental fit of laughter. That is just insane." 

"I don't understand why you call him Mad Eye," he said shaking his head. 

"Just read the fourth book already Thomas. I have given you enough spoilers."

I was then taken to Graffan for my next lesson and I thoroughly enjoyed the scolding Thomas got from his father for disfiguring me. 

####

_Ernaline,_

_Hogwarts sucks without you and Luce, it does. But using the library has become so much easier, more productive and very relaxing. I am thoroughly enjoying myself, just sad that I'm doing it without you. (Not really, though.)_

_Hope you love the trinkets and the chain! I've charmed them myself so that you never lose it, they'll always just return right back to you!_

_I was wondering if maybe you could send me the book you get all your amazing charms from?_

_Happy Christmas!_

_Filius_

####

_Dear Ernaline,_

_Happy Christmas!_

_I received your gift and loved it the best. Even James couldn't find something as good for me!_

_The boys have been eating my brain away and I'm running out of snark now. Sirius wouldn't stop sending me cauliflowers and telling me how he found me another very special ghost Broccoli! Ghost Broccolis, really!_

_I have been practicing_ _the art_ _, as you call it. I think I've gotten the hang of it. The entire process of letting the wolf out for a bit is rather thrilling. I believe I don't require so much thrill, I have enough of it._

_Just kidding, I'll practice._

_Date tomorrow, on 26th? Lunch at the Leaky?_

_I hope you like the book I sent for you!_

_Love,_

_Remus._

####

_Dear Erns,_

_Happy Christmas!_

_You better tell me everything that happens tomorrow._

_Love,_

_Lucinda_

#### 

_Little Miss Slytherin,_

_This is just an obligatory Happy Christmas message._

_I must have you know that I have another date with someone else as well. Not the friendly kind._

_Don't feel too jealous,_

_Sirius Orion the Best_


	12. Chapter 11

Charging Cross Road was busy as always, both wizard and muggle population were found in abundance here at any given point of the day. I entered the Leaky Cauldron, the hustle was maintained as always. 

"Oh, come in, come in darling!" Said Daisy Dodderidge, the owner excitedly. "Looking for a table for how many?" 

"She's with me Dodgy," called out Remus from a table in the corner.

He smiled sweetly as he waved at me. He noticed my injured arm and stared at it for longer than normal but didn't say anything. 

He wore a muggle pants and lemon yellow t-shirt with 'The Manhattans' written across it. His scars

"Hey," I said sitting across him. "You like The Manhattans then." 

"This t-shirt?" He said, pointing at himself, "It's all Sirius's doing. He thinks they're like us, the marauders. His way of saying 'Kiss and say goodbye,' to this year. Christmas gift." 

I nodded.  _ I didn't get one from him _ , I thought.  _ Well I'm obviously not as close to him as he is to Remus _ . "You're here early," I told him. "It's only twelve." 

"Didn't want to keep you waiting Ernaline," he said softly. "Took the liberty of ordering random things from the menu, I hope they're nice." 

I couldn't be more glad. Ordering food on a date was decidedly my worst nightmare, I knew from my last and only experience.

"How's the wolf," I asked and, surprisingly Remus only laughed instead of taking great offence like the first time we'd had this conversation.

"He's, he's getting better with his full overtake-time coming soon," he said between chuckles. 

"Tell me a secret which no-one knows." He demanded playfully.

"To compensate for yours? Just make you feel better?" I asked, quirking a brow. 

"Humor me," he insisted. 

I cleared my throat thinking once again about what I was about to tell him. 

"I'm a niffler." I whispered. 

"Ha-ha, I'm being serious here. Tell me a real secret." 

I bent forward so that only he could hear me. "So am I, it's my Animagus," I said softly. 

"A niffler," he asked loudly, his eyes widening. "You can't be serious!" He laughed. "This is amazing!" 

Remus's head fell back as he laughed unrestrained, heartfully. It was almost manical.

Being with Remus was easy, even though he asked questions he didn't expect an explanation for everything. He was content with the information of me being an Animagus, never did he ask why I was one.

"Don't announce it Remus, it's still quite illegal." I told him in a hushed tone.

Suddenly losing the amused look, he asked, "You haven't gotten registered?" 

"Well, technically it was a part of my course so even if they find out I won't be in trouble or anything." I explained, "So it's not completely illegal, not as much as you guys. But I just don't want the ministry knowing that I'm specifically one." 

"Question number one, you know they're animagus too? Question number two, it was a part of your bloody course?" 

I nodded, "That's what I wanted to tell you on the train. Sirius knows that I know. He was much more shocked to find out than you are though. He knows some of this and that too. I know you've been dying to tell the rest of them about our arrangement." I paused, trying to read his completely blank face, "But I can't have anyone else know about the training part. Sirius found out some of it because of some unavoidable circumstances, so go ahead and speak to him about it, but please keep the others out of it." 

"Okay," he said. Remus seemed to take my words very easily. "I'll talk to him." 

"Now I think that we've got that out of our way, we can get back to our date and you can tell me about why you are dressed in robes for it." He said, looking at me disapprovingly.

"Why, they are a perfectly nice pair of robes and I happen to really like them." I said, fluttering my eyes dramatically.

This earned a light snicker from Remus but he anyway told me, "They're robes Ernie, they're just too formal." 

"Funny, they're my casual set." I said, "Remus let's get out of here. I have somewhere to take you." 

#####

"That was amazing," said Remus, still panting as we walked back to Diagon Alley. "Why didn't we begin our  _ date _ with this?"

"Thirty minutes ago you hated the idea of it," I told him, putting my lip into a line. "You're only saying that because you were at an advantage, without an injured arm and all that." 

"Oh please, it was your left hand. You were doing just fine, until I won. Muggles come up with the most absurd stuff." He said, "Roll a ball and make the pins fall, hah! Who thought it'd be tough?" 

I had decided to bring him to a bowling alley Marjorie often took us too. It was a small dingy place but it did the same job as the bigger more expensive Bowling places. 

I slurped my coke and so did Remus as we made our way towards the Slug and Jigger's Apothecary. 

"Man, we should do this all the time." I said cheerfully.

It had been a good day. I had not only made Remus's life a little better by letting him talk to Sirius about it but also felt incredibly better telling him a little something about my own secret life. 

"Sirius Black would kill me." 

"What for?" I asked. 

"Ernie, he's written at least a dozen letters to me just to make sure that this date of ours is only friendly." He said, chuffed. "He made James write to me about it as well. Between explaining his own drama with Lily, which I'm quite fed up with now, he inserted an entire banter about how our date is against the unsaid code of the marauders. Sirius is absolutely against this, and James is a giant baby about it." 

He was grinning at me now, which made my stomach do a quick jump. 

"That's obsessive, besides neither of us care about his delusions." 

Remus slid his hands in his pockets and walked looking at his shoes. With one of his lopsided grins he said, "Well, I would be that obsessive too, you're a niffler!" 

"He doesn't know, and you'll keep it that way." 

We bought supplies for the potions Remus would need after his transformation and he merily helped me with my own shopping as well. 

Thomas had given me an absurd list of things he needed, and expected me to directly bring them to his home. To anyone else his demands seemed outworldly but the only thing that was outworldly was our relationship. He was just the human I needed to survive on this planet, I would go on a limb and call him my soulmate even. Not in a romantic sense though. 

He'd say the same about me, I was confident. With an added mix of a special kind of instructor complex that he had. 

"Where can I apparate you," I offered Remus as the day came to an end.

He only declined saying his mother would be picking him up. Though I suspected it was because he didn't quite trust me with side along apparation. 

#### 

The year was about to end and I wasn't plotting hundred different ways to keep people from dying in the future, that was a major upgrade from last year. 

Last year this time I had scrolled open a parchment in front of Thomas with a list of names when they'd all die with a rough timeline and events around it.

I hadn't let him in on the plotting part because I wanted him to read the books before he gets that. He had a general understanding of events and listened to me rant about the plan A, plan B and C I had for saving the people I could save. 

I did know that the war came with casualties, but I just really wanted to minimise them. 

No, no we couldn't change anything written in the text and we'd already gone over that a million times. We could only add our own chapters, our own details which the author missed. 

No this year I wasn't thinking about all of that at all. I was thinking about Sirius Black and Remus Lupin, ignoring the fact that I knew what both of their futures held.

_ 'Don't live your life in fear of the future _ ,' Marjorie and Thomas had always told and I tried to live by it as much as I could. As often as I could. Recently, more so.

I had a date with him in 7 hours, I was contemplating if I should sleep or not. There was only one answer to the question, but against all logic I didn't want to let my mind rest. I didn't want to let my mind come back to reality from the world where I had deluded myself to believe everything would be wonderful in the future. 

Gurhardt had gone for a new year's party with the twins. My parents had gone for a dinner-date themselves. I had chosen to enter the year in my bed and with my thoughts, however. It was a ritual of sorts. Reflection, understanding, plotting and planning, making myself feel better and finally deciding to live my life without changing too many decisions according to the future. 

That was New Year's night for me. 

Hogwarts gave me a whole lot to think about. It gave me a much broader perspective of people and circumstances. Of choices people made. 

I had befriended many future heartbreaks: Severus Snape, Lily Evans, James Potter, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin. Then there were a few who just made me feel warm and cosy and loved, without me having to know of their death: Filius and Lucinda. 

I had come across Regulus who was only a child and hardly understood how the world worked much less than how dark arts functioned. 

I had sort of tried to understand Dumbledore's stand in the war but I hadn't gotten anywhere with it. 

Moreover I had found my heart in a twist with the marauders, not counting Peter. I had come to genuinely care about them all. 

I closed my eyes, charming my pillow to wake me up at 4:30. I closed my eyes and let the thoughts and dreams lul me to sleep. 

######

The breeze was stiff and cold as I neared my destination. The moon was pale and a little smaller than full, it could be seen through the scanty clouds. 

The house between Number 11 and Number 12 Grimmauld Place was first invisible, but soon as my eyes scanned the area in between knowingly, it glimmered into existence. 

I had thought about how the Black family may find this ridiculous, but decided I didn't care much either. 

I walked through the narrow passageway that led to the door. It was lined by beautiful flower lined shrubbery, unexpectedly homely. The wooden door had an intricate design carved throughout, with the words 'The Noble and most Ancient House of Black,' written in the centre, in an italic font in gold.

I searched for a bell, but only found a door knocker that rested above the words. I lifted it and tapped it twice against the damp wooden door.

Almost instantly the door flung open and a tiny face with large pointed ears popped from behind the door. 

"Who comes to the House of Black at this hour?" He asked in a small squeaky voice. 

"Ernaline Brown, I'm here for Sirius," I answered truthfully.

Before the little creature could give me any answer loud footsteps sounded against the concrete flooring. 

"Who is it at this time of the morning!" Complained she from behind, approaching the door. 

The night was quiet and the heavy of voice of Walburga was too loud for anyone's ears to endure this early in the morning.

After Kreature stuttered an introduction, Walburga looked at me with eyes peeled. Her hair was pinned into a casual bun and she was dressed in a thick pink silk gown; one could trust her to be in designer clothes even in the middle of the might. 

"You're Cahwel's daughter aren't you? You're here for Sirius?" She asked and I nodded in agreement to both the questions.

"Well, then come in, I can't have you standing outside, waiting." 

I stepped into their home and everything that was before my eyes screamed  _ 'I'm expensive _ ,' in the language of gold, glitter, embroidery, magic and it's sheet loudness. The walls, the carpets, the furniture and everything was a splash of maroon, gold, black but in its own weird sense it looked  _ beautiful _ .

"Will Miss need something to drink while Master Sirius is being summoned?" Asked the house elf, who had to be the infamous Kreature. 

"No thank you Kreature," I said warmly. "I'll just wait for him here."

He disapparated instantly, leaving me with his Mistress.

Walburga looked to be hemming and hawing internally, her gaze was now more confused than suspicious, but it felt strong on my face. 

"Kreacher?" Asked Walburga, finally after considering her question for several minutes. "I never mentioned his name."

  
  



	13. Chapter 12 Sirius POV

_**Sirius POV** _

"Master, master!" Said someone shaking me, "Master wake up, your mother is calling you downstairs!"

"Hmmm," I mumbled in sleep, disoriented. "Tell mother it's too late in the night." 

"Master Sirius! You must wake up now! Kreacher had been asked to take you downstairs, to the girl." 

"What girl," I grunted in my sleepy voice.

"She calls herself Miss Brown, Master," said Kreacher softly. 

My eyes flew open and wide, searching my surroundings in surprise. Looking outside the window I only found an eternally black sky, with no sign of the sun. 

Why was she here in the middle of the bloody night? 

"What time is it, Kreacher?" I asked, slipping out of my bed and pulling up a pair of pajamas before I fumbled out the door in my semi-conscious state. 

"It's four fifty seven in the morning, Master." Said the elf with his hand tucking on to the sack he wore. He followed me outside, almost unnoticed.

The house was quiet as I descended down the stairs. I could only hear a faint voice saying, "Kreacher? I never mentioned his name."

My mother was awake and questioning, probably torturing Ernaline. 

"Sirius had mentioned him." I heard Ernaline reply. 

I told her about Kreacher? That made no sense at all. We had never spoken about him. How odd, I thought. But then everything about her was odd, wasn't it?

"Sirius, you have finally woken then. You shouldn't make promises and keep ladys waiting, like so. Come now, Miss Brown has waited her time." Said my mother as I reached downstairs. "I'm going back to bed." She announced before retreating towards her room.

I had hardly grasped what had just transpired in front of me. Did Walburga Black leave me be, to my own accord, with a girl she only just met without any consequences? What was I missing here?

I found Ernaline staring at me, blatantly, without any need or concern about hiding it. Her gaze wasn't as harsh as my mother's, but it was intense nonetheless. Sometimes I thought her eyes were so empty that their actual brown colour started to resemble my grey.

Her curls fell on her shoulders softly, they were surprisingly tame today as compared to the frizz they have generally. She was wearing a thick overall robe, but you could see the muggle jeans she wore underneath peeping out from the bottom. How did she manage to get away with that in my house, after being scrutinized by my mother? 

Then I noticed something that I should have noticed in the beginning, her shoulder was wrapped in gauge under her robes, she hid it well however. 

"Sirius," she breathed. Her voice was always soft, always calm and collected.

Her neck extended up to meet my eye, it was adorable how short she was. 

"Ernaline," I replied, "Aren't you brilliantly early?" 

As expressionless as ever, she said, "It is going to be five in a minute. I came ten minutes before our decided date. I hardly call that early." 

"Blimey! You meant five in the bloody morning? Who even schedules a date at this time?" I said, taking her into a small hug as a greeting. 

She returned it but surprisingly held onto me longer and more firmly than I'd expected. 

All of a sudden I felt compressed form all sides, surrounded by darkness and choking from the lack of air. I twisted in her grip and fell into rapid whirl, rotating as though she was an axis. I would stop and make a joke about it being the perfect pirouette, only if I knew how to breathe. 

My hands, feet and mind slipped into numbness and my chest attempted it's best to rise and fall against the pressure. I could feel the adrenaline pulse through me. 

In a flash, the blackness left me and I gasped for breath, deeply.

"What the fuck was that!" I said, panting. 

I gauged my location and circumstances, finally feeling my body parts again. I stood on a rock facing the ocean. The waves curled and splashed against it, retreating back instantly. The cold air sent jitters down my spine. 

There was nothing or no-one in all directions I looked in. 

"Did you just disapparate us from my house without telling me, to some unknown island in the middle of nowhere?" I scowled, confused. 

Ernaline was interesting, she was. She was easy to be with and I found her calmness to every situation very alluring and attractive. But I wouldn't put it past her to leave me here to die and pretend it never happened. For as far as I knew, given enough reason, she could do anything.

She rolled her eyes and seated herself on the rock, letting her legs dangle from the edge. She removed her boots and let her toes dip into the sand below. "Have you never apparated side-along before?" 

"No, my family only believes in the floo network. Apparation is below them." I explained, reluctantly sitting down next to her. "Please warn before pulling me into such things, from next time, yeah? And let me change out of my pajamas too. That is if you don't plan on killing me now and there is a next time."

Her eyes were lit by the moon as she looked at me and light chuckles escaped from her. She definitely didn't look like a murderer.

"Very funny," said she, "As if I would leave so much evidence of I had to murder you. Your mother would attack me with unforgivables without questioning." 

"That, she would." I said. Maybe not for the reasons she thought, definitely not for killing her son but maybe for being able to do it under her nose. She would kill for being made to feel defeated. "Why are we here again?" 

"Dawn is beautiful and this is my favourite place to observe it." She said with her vision fixed on the horizon which had only began to melt against the sky. Only a hue or of colour glowed at it, hardly visible to someone who wasn't looking. 

"Did you just call yourself beautiful? You conceited witch!" I joked, relaxing my feet into the sand, similar to her. The sand was cold underneath me. 

She was beautiful, though. Not in some crazy model sense, but in her own absurd way. Beautiful and fit. I don't think I have seen any other girl as fit as her. 

I could never forget the day when we walked out of the lake, soaked and her drenched robes clung to her perfect shape. There wasn't an arse so perfectly round in the entire of Hogwarts, I had looked. But then with her vigorous physical training, that she hardly talks about, it should be expected. Either way, fetching body that. 

"Why today? The new year, I mean." 

"I didn't expect you to ask that," she said softly, still staring into the horizon. "What better time to watch the beginning of the day than at the beginning of the year?" 

And then she said things like these. She was philosophically alluring as well. 

I pretended that she didn't give me goosebumps by just existing next to me. Her mystery was one thing, her kindness another, her intelligence and conduct didn't help my case either and then on top of that the girl was haught as well. 

Even with all that, something about her just didn't settle well with me. She was openly hiding something, openly lying like it's her birth right and didn't seem to have any guilt associated with it.

"I never told you about Kreature," I stated. Pointing the fact that I knew she was lying out there. It was creepy for her to know my house elves name, creepier than her knowing my home address. 

"I thought you'd ask about why your mother acted so normally first," said she, unstirred by my question. "I just didn't think she'd understand the truth." She answered.

"And you're not planning on telling me the truth as well," I realized and projected my thoughts out loud. "So why did my mother agree to this arrangement so casually?" 

"Honestly, I thought you would have figured it out by now," Ernaline answered, her voice still sweet devoid of the cockiness I always expected from her. "Your mom was specially taken aback by me." She breathed. "You know, being her best friend's daughter and everything." 

"Her best friend's daughter? What are you talking about? The woman is not capable of making friends." 

She finally looked at me with a small smile and said, "Even I didn't know until recently, they were apparently the best of friends until your mother turned to become a Voldy supporter." 

_ Voldy supporter _ she said so casually. She was at such ease even when talking about the war, it almost felt like she knew how to single handedly defeat the wizard. Or she had thought about it enough that it didn't bother them anymore.

"Right," I said, still confused. I couldn't imagine my mother having any real friends at all, but then she had answered that question as well. Any real friends would have abandoned her when she chose to be on the darker side of the war. 

"It's not that black and white Sirius," she said understanding my trail of thought without me having to say anything. "She thought she was trying to protect you. I don't completely support her idea of protection, but it's understandable to want to protect those you love with such… _ dedication _ ." 

She said dedication with a slight tinge of disapproval but I doubt she meant to show it. 

Her small hands slipped onto my back and she held my torso firmly against her own. 

"Are you going to apparate us again?" I asked jokingly before I held her shoulder in return. She scooped nearer and rested her head on my chest, fitting perfectly into me. "I don't know how can you even practice magic outside school." 

Amused by the irritation in my voice she answered merily, "They place the trace in your first year, at Hogwarts, I never got it. Even though technically I'm not allowed to practice magic by myself, it's not like they'll ever know." 

The waves were still fierce, the beach fragrant of the wet sand. Surprisingly, even though I felt the cold wind hurling in all directions I didn't feel cold. My thin cotton nightshirt was warm as ever. I suspected it had something to do with magic practiced by the witch next to me. 

"You remember when you found us under the cloak? After the entire snivellus incident?" I asked and she nodded without correcting me, surprisingly. "How did you know we were there? We were literally invisible." 

She laughed her soft, wonderful laugh. "You should consider using silencing charms. I could hear following us from the kitchen." 

She heard us? But using the silencing charm was definitely something we could get behind. 

The birds had started to chirp and the horizon gleamed brighter than before, the softness of the day had barely started to peak into the night sky. 

"That's you," she pointed at Sirius, the star. A whiff of her smell entered my nose as she lifted her head lightly. 

_ And the Dawn, that was her _ , I thought. I laughed at the realization of the significance of our date. It's where Sirius the star and Dawn, the rising sun were both present. "You've really thought about this." I said, amused. 

This was such a beautiful gesture, if only it made more sense in my mind it would be perfect. The secrets she held created a strong friction between us.

The light slowly spread through the starlit sky, soft rays penetrated the clouds but the stars still peaked through them.

"You don't have to be scared, you know," she mumbled against me, "You don't have to be on Voldy's side just because you're a black." 

But didn't I? My mother had made my life hell at home, it was an actual surprise to me that she just let me slip out of my house in the dead of the morning. Maybe it was Ernaline's pureblood status that convinced her, but it was very unlike her either way. 

She had been teaching us dark arts and defense against it since much before Hogwarts, it was openly discussed at our home. My father wasn't a death eater, he wasn't very supportive of my mother's view either but he never really existed in my life enough for it to matter. All our social circles comprised of people dying to join the dark lord. Voldy, as Ernaline called him.

"It's not that simple," I told her. "Where will I even go?" 

"James is practically your soulmate, he would never let you be on your own." She answered as though it was the most natural thing for me to run away. "Besides, friends or no friends Black, I would always be willing to provide sanctuary to you or anyone running from voldy-the-goldy." 

Voldy-the-Goldy. How did her brain function? 

"What about your parents?" I said, humouring her absurd suggestion. "Won't they have a problem with me?" 

"I think my mum would be glad to save you from Walburga," she said sniffling a laugh. "But even if not, you could always live with Thomas. And you wouldn't have to worry about anything, honestly." 

Thomas. She spoke so much about him, almost all the time. I wondered who this bloke was, often. He wrote to her, he joked with her, she spoke about him so  _ lovingly _ and she was comfortable enough with him to offer his home to me. It made me uncomfortable. 

"Here," she said, opening her thin golden bracelet and putting it on my wrist. She gently tapped her wand on it. Her wand which was unconventionally beautiful. "It's a portkey. You'll have to activate it, the standard Portus charm would do, and then rub it. It'll lead you straight to me." 

"What if you're taking a shower?" I joked. 

"Strictly for emergencies, Black." 

I dipped my head letting my lips brush against her forehead as my only thanks for offering me help. I had never spoken to anyone else so openly about my insecurities, about my mother and her expectations. James, Remus and Peter knew everything, but he never questioned me beyond a point.

I let my lips linger for longer than I'd planned as I got lost in my thoughts. They smoothly glided over her face and to her cheeks, which warmed instantly under me. 

"That would be a bad idea," she said, retreating from me. "I don't think you'd be able to deal with it later, when I date other people." 

"Date other people? I thought this was going splendidly!" I explained, at her suggestion which made no sense to me at all. What? Here I was considering how to deal with my trust issues and get past them to explore what this unexplained tension between us is. 

"It is going rather well," she agreed. Shrugging, she added, "But I have to be sure, I have to have something to compare our time to. You can't expect me to just get going with the first ever person I've ever considered to be in a relationship with." 

Our time, she had said it in a way that gave me goosebumps. So then she had considered a relationship with me? 

"Besides Sirius, you hardly trust me and I'll give you some time to figure some of my  _ enigma _ out." 

Her words were truer than I'd like them to be and even though I didn't like their implications, I didn't know what else there was that could be done about it.

"No roof-tops and special new year dawn dates with anyone else," I told her instead of disagreeing. 

"Fair enough." She agreed.

"No kissing with others as well," I added, feeling optimistic about this arrangement. 

"Um," she said reluctantly, "I may have a better offer for you." 

"No second dates with anyone else," she said straightening up. "All these things work both ways, by the way." 

I nodded in agreement and we both laughed silently. I almost understood her not wanting to give up snogging, especially since we'd not be doing it, but for some reason, I felt uncomfortable with the idea. 

"You said you liked sex," I asked her directly. "Were you joking or were you actually being serious?" 

"I could never be  _ Sirius _ , but of course I wasn't joking. Sex is good." She said factually, brassily.

"When did you …" 

Unable to finish my sentence my cheeks heated like they'd never before. Why was it awkward for me to ask this question? 

I wasn't usually shy, but it wasn't everyday that I was talking to someone who had more experience than me in this sphere of life. 

"Not very long ago, just on my fifteenth birthday. Last year." 

At her fifteenth birthday? "Sometimes I forget we're only children," I admitted. And it was for more reason than just sex. 

She laughed at that, her laugh was so real that it made me question everything about her. How could someone actually be this happy with everything around us? Was it another lie? 

"I have never felt like a child." She said, still chuckling. "I think it just became worse because of my training and with Thomas's antics. I-I honestly never thought I would be having sex till I'd had it. Funny enough, they all thought I was at least eighteen at the time." 

"They all? As in multiple? So even Thomas huh?" I asked, not able to help myself. Thomas's antics? What did he do? 

"Oh no, no way never!" She said, jerking away from me. "I could never be romantically attracted to Thomas, that's just wrong on all levels. Yuck." 

"I only meant that he never treated me like a child and in that process I forgot I was one." She added, realizing what her earlier sentence could have implied. "Yes, multiple. Marjorie calls it my sex-crazed phase and she thoroughly disapproves." 

Marjorie, another one of her people. I made sure to remember that.

The nautical dawn had broken into a civil twilight now, almost reaching the brightness of the morning. The sand was still cold under my feet, however. 

"I didn't think you'd be a virgin." She said truthfully, leaving me flushed. What was I supposed to say to that? 

"I don't mean to judge, just didn't see that coming, you know with all my insight about your animagus and everything. There is still a whole lot I don't know about you." She said as though that wasn't normal at all

"Why don't you just tell me your secret if you're okay with me finding it out?" I asked. 

"Well, I have been leaving you all the clues. That's as good as telling you. Let's just say I want to know if you're smart enough." 

It was hilarious how comfortable I was with the discomfort this human was causing me. It was like I wanted her to inflict this confusion on me, I wanted her words to ring in my mind, I wanted to stay up at night thinking about all the things she's been saying. 

Snogging had always been my go-to for escaping reality, for attempting to be pleasured in that moment of my life, for escaping the dwelling thoughts about the future. 

But right now, even with all the distrust, the friction, the distance, the lies, the secrets between us and after barely knowing her for a few months, I didn't want to escape reality. I was pleasured to be in this moment. I wasn't dwelling in the future. 

I left a little peck on her lips before I stood, pulling her up on her feet with me. Her quirked eyebrow were reason enough for me to laugh and give an explanation. "You said it was a bad idea, not that you didn't want to." 

In truth I just wanted to make sure that this dysfunctional feeling between us never changed.

"Come on," I said, taking her hand into mine. "Let's dip our feet in the water at least." 

We spent the rest of the morning running along the beach, chasing each other, talking about the nonsensical things, magic, muggles, music and everything that crossed our minds. Like normal teenagers. 

She was extremely happy about her so called date with Remus and even though I didn't say as much, I was happy that my best mate was friends with and approved of her. Remus usually went on a sarcasm overdrive when it came to any other girl I had dated before. 

"Ugh, Remus is going to be so nosy about this." I complained as we both made our way back to the rock. My pajamas were folded up to my thighs and sand was stuck on my hairy legs.

"I think he'll have more to tell you than ask you," she said, smiling. 

I felt like a stupid fool looking at her smile and thinking how sweet it was. She was anything but  _ sweet _ , she was a bloody crazy ninja-witch-swordswoman who was probably working for some secret organisation.

"Do you know something I don't?"

"Remus knows something you don't." She chided. Remus she'd said, like she was talking about her own best friend instead of mine. It was  _ sweet _ . 

The little minx would never say a word extra than she wanted to. I didn't have an option but to nod and agree.

"I know you're comfortable with James and Remus." I started. "But you could never meet eyes with Peter, with what he did to Lucinda. I just wanted to let you know that he's going to be my best mate no matter what, it would always be-" 

"-him over me. I know." She completed my sentence, cutting me off. 

I was glad she did because I didn't particularly enjoy thinking the words. I was furious at Peter for acting like he did, it wasn't like him at all. But when it came down to it, it would always be the marauders over everyone else. 

"I'll try talking to him. Once. No promises after that." She said, unexpectedly. 

Her  _ bent moral compass, _ she called it. Inability to process things in the normal manner, she had said. I had theory she just knew much more than she let on and called it that just to cover her tracks. 

It irritated me that she remained completely unfazed by everything. Even when I slipped my hand on her waist, below her shirt she smiled gently and continued as if it was nothing. Or maybe she just felt at home? 

She was sending my mind on an overdrive. 

"I have been meaning to ask you something all morning," I said and she encouragingly nodded, as though to ask me to continue. "Just about your shoulder, how did you manage this nasty of an injury that it can't be fixed so easily?" 

My eyes had went to it multiple times but I had tried to avoid asking thinking it was a weird question to ask. 

"You didn't think twice before asking about my sex life but this makes you awkward?" She asked, cheekily. "It's just a stupid cursed wound. Thomas was testing if I was practicing." 

This Thomas sounded like an incredible pig, more and more by the minute.

"Don't curse him in your mind. We have an understanding about this. He gets to use all shitty curses on me so that I am ready for an actual battle." She explained. 

An actual battle. When she talked like this, like she knew the war was inevitable and she was prepared for it, it gave me a jolt of shock each time. How could she be so casual about this is something I would never understand.

"I don't understand, but okay. Whatever you say." I said, leaving it at that. 

The sun had now become warmer above us and both our stomachs had growled at some point in the past hour. "I think we should get something to eat," I suggested.

"Oh yeah," she said, putting her hands in her pocket and fiddling inside before pulling something out. "I completely forgot about the food." 

She had pulled out a large box of cardboard and my eyes had enlarged at the site of it. 

She laughed, "What, it's just magic Sirius." 

"No, you doofus, extension charms are illegal!" 

"Hah! So is me apparating, so is becoming an animagus and so are hundred other things that we've both indulged in." She said, placing the box between us as we sat down. "Why does this surprise you so much?" 

"I don't know, I just didn't see it coming, I guess," I told her. "What's for breakfast then?"

"Pizza." 

"What is a pizza?" 

"How can you not know what's a pizza?" She gasped. She had an actual reaction to something and for some reason that just made me very excited. "I mean, I assumed you'd be knowing about all things muggle to get a reaction out of your parents." 

"That is a fantastic idea, I never thought about it!" I said. Oh, how my mother would freak to find muggle things in my possession. This witch had the best ideas ever. 

I picked up one of the triangle slices arranged in a circle. The white cheese pulled into threads which I had to somehow deal with. I took a bite of this funny looking contraption in the name of food. 

"Mhhmmph," a moan escaped me as the salty tomato sauce exploded in my mouth, with the cheese and bread and some unidentified seasoning. "This is better than chocolate frogs!" 

I had thought that nothing could ever be better than chocolate frogs, Remus agreed. 

#####

"Come on," said Ernaline. "We need to leave." 

"Can't we stay for longer?" 

"No I have training to get to," she said pulling me on my feet. "Come on, get up you giant troll." 

I chuckled but got up and took her into an embrace. "I have to be sure to be safe this time. I'll hold on super tight." 

I could almost imagine her rolling her eyes at me, but she returned the firm hold and we were pulled into the same uncomfortable apparation process.

We appeared at the end of my street. 

Untangling herself from me she automatically started walking towards my house. "Time to go back to the wretched place." I grunted inwardly. I followed her nonetheless.

Kreacher, as usual, opened the door and greeted Ernaline much more warmly than he ever did me. 

"Well then, this is goodbye, see you at Kings Cross." She said as she turned to leave. 

"Hi, Ms. Brown!" I heard my brother screaming from inside. How did he know her? He sped his way towards the door, happily greeting her and completely ignoring me. 

"Hi Regulus. How are you?" She said, mechanically. 

"Well, I'm all good. But I was supposed to find you on the train and tell you Rosier has demanded to meet you during the hols, I guess I completely forgot." He told her. 

"Don't worry about it Reg, if he asks you, just tell him I didn't listen." She said before disapparating.

Rosier? What? 

####

In half an hour's time I received a letter from Ernaline.

* * *

_ Sirius Orion Black,  _

_ Forgot to remind you that I'm winning. My date was better than the one you took me on. Hogsmeade was so overly Cliché. _

_ Do better next time.  _

_ Hugs, _

_ Ernaline Dawn Brown _

_ Ps: Don't worry about Rosier, I can take care of myself. _

* * *

Did she just ask me to take her on another date and make me feel better about Regulus mentioning Rosier? 


	14. Chapter 13 SIRIUS POV

_**Sirius POV** _

Regulus hopped around the house so comfortably, without even the smallest evidence of concern. All he did different from me was get into Slytherin and be innocent enough to not understand the harshness of the world we lived in. Harshness of our mother. 

But she didn't show that side of her to him because unlike me, he didn't need to be straightened. He saw her as how the world perceives their mother's, he loved her simply and for him her words were law. 

It's not like I didn't love her, I was attached to her. We had a very complex relationship. We just couldn't see eye to eye.

I stared at the posters that adorned the wall in front of my bed. The bikes were beautiful, the drums I dreamed to own one day, the Freddie Mercury poster that was perfectly placed in the centre, and of course the bikini clad muggle girls were an added touch to give my mother a reason to look at my beliefs in as much disgust as I looked at hers. 

I hoped she could understand we're not alike and she can't expect me to be. That was probably too much to hope but at least it irritated her enough. I got some reaction from her. 

"Sirius, boy," said Walburga, as she entered my room, in her usual throaty voice. "I thought you were asked to be in the library at 4 pm sharp. Your uncle Cygnus is especially here to further your education!" 

The wealth of knowledge was found in abundance at the Black family library and I took advantage of it. One of the most complex ones that I picked up was the Homonculous Charm. When cast onto a map, it enables to track the movements of every person in the mapped area. Marvelous really.

But what my mum spoke of right now was the typical kind of knowledge that would benefit the dark lord _when_ I would service him. She had some unachievable dreams. 

"And I thought that was Hogwart's purpose, not Cygnus's." I told her flatly.

She didn't correct me for calling him by his name, in truth she hated him as much as I did. He was mindlessly cruel to everyone and if she hadn't had the thickest skin a human could possibly have, she wouldn't have survived being his sister. 

"Now Sirius, you know this is important, child," she said, her voice still not soft. "You need to know how things work. Whatever will you do when you're in the dark lord's army?" 

"I will kill myself?" I suggested.

"Oh, by the rate you're going, you'll get killed and get us all killed with you." She seethed. "We need to survive this war and that'll only happen if we're on the winning side!" 

Walburga was cruel to me in a very different sense, she was a control freak. Control freak who wanted to gain Voldemort's favour and tried to teach us dark arts. She was successful in it though, however she could never know what I'd used the extra knowledge for. 

"What if the right side wins?" I asked her, earnestly.

"Whoever can do the most basic arithmancy can tell that with the power, money and even number at the dark lord's disposal there's no question that he will win the war. He has the wolves, inferi, the giant's, even the bloody dementors are on his side!" 

All I gathered from her words was that even she knew Voldemort's side wasn't the right side. It's one thing to believe in vile things and support them, and a completely different thing to know that they're vile and do them anyway. 

"Now, Sirius. I've seen what you've been trying to put in your brother's brain. Regulus does believe in the cause and you mustn't come in his way. It'll be easier for him that way, without the guilt." She added before leaving. 

Recently I had learnt that my mother had emotions and they were of all the wrong colour. She encouraged her children, that is Reggie and I, to practice and cast the unforgivables. She taught us how to murder and taught us how to inflict pain and taught us how to hate creatures that didn't deserve hate, all this while knowing it was the wrong thing to do. She knew they didn't deserve hate and that it was the tainted thing to do.

She encouraged us to become monsters and told us it was for our survival.

I hadn't refused to go for Cygnus's class. I had wanted to know what information he had. I had been cooperating with them, recently, and had decided to learn whatever was taught to me. Information was definitely of value, no matter which side of the war I'd find myself at. 

I entered the basement, our library, and the smell of dusky books overwhelmed me as always. My uncle and brother sat at the Cygnus smiled pleasantly at my brother as he easily performed the _Relashio_ jinx. My brother giggled slightly. 

Regulus had always been very keen about these lessons, he loved how Cygnus would be pleased with him. He didn't even see or understand how the bastard was slowly poisoning him with the dark arts and making him feel good about it. Cygnus would leave small breadcrumbs for him, he'd say things to suggest Muggles are the enemy, but he'd never say it directly to him. That approach didn't work and he'd known that from experimenting on me. 

"Sirius, you're late. Next time you're late, you'll be the one we practice on." I was told by the dark haired man who I was said to resemble. Who was my supposed uncle. 

After an hour of being taught how to expose someone entrails, the both of us were allowed to leave. The correct pronunciation of the curse, the right swish of the wand and the intent to pull on someone's intestines was still lingering in my mind, as taught. I wanted to practice on Cygnus so badly. 

"Reg," I said, as we climbed the stairs, back to our rooms.

"Yes, yes I know siri." He intoned, "It's just the magic I want to learn and I understand all the superiority nonsense that he says is bullshit. But I can't have him hate me like he hates you, now can I?" 

I had been trying my best to remind Regulus of the realities that James had been showing me. The truth of the beliefs. He was perceptive of things, but he was also impatient and easily swayed. 

He was like clay, you could mould him into anything. 

I huffed and said, "Fine, fine okay. Tell me what did Rosier want? Is he being a problem for you? Because I can handle that sort of thing Reggie-" 

"As if you need another reason to hex one of us Slytherins." He said rolling his eyes. "He's just making me run a few errands in exchange for making sure I don't come between their messes." 

Survival. My mother had fitted that into his mind and fiercely at that. He was already making arrangements to survive the bullying and that was very Slytherin of him. At least he'll be safe. 

"What did he want from Ernaline?" I asked, curiosity getting the better of me. 

"Mulciber said Rosier's just looking for a pureblood since his betrothed has detected." He explained, casually. "His father's been behind him. Besides, I don't think it'll happen anyway. Brown is smart and Rosier has less of a brain than Goyle himself." 

At least Regulus was only innocent and not naïve.

I patted his head as we reached our rooms and he squealed away from me. 

"I'm not a kid anymore Siri," he squeeked. 

I laughed softly in response. "Of course you're not Reg." 

####

The holidays fleeted by and I hardly noticed. It was easy now, as compared to before, when I wasn't so good at pretending to agree to my fate as a death eater. I would show it more directly and rashly before but over the years I had sort of realized that I depended on them. I realized that if I was to be on the opposite side of the war, I'd rather just use my current circumstances for my benefit. 

Now I believed in annoying them and getting under their skin with equal effect as they did mine. Without having to go at it directly.

Ernaline helped me tremendously this time by giving me the idea of obsessing with muggle things. I pulled that stunt so brightly. I had actually ended up really loving the muggle's way of transport. It was so fascinating.

They didn't bother me much, not more than an underlying continuous itch which pricked at my back. At odd times and circumstances it would pop and annoy me. But it was nothing I would lose my mind over, I told myself that often. I wouldn't lose my mind. 

James believed that in that respect, I was a lost cause and I had lost my mind already. He thought I was too rash for my own good and would someday end up in Azkaban for it. 

I think I am level headed enough for it to not get that bad either. I mean, I figured out how to cope with my family as well. It took me fourteen years, but it happened.

I pushed my trolley further onto the platform. I spotted the Potter's loading James's luggage onto the carriage and immediately started moving in their directions.

"Prongsie," I shouted, waving both my arms at him to get his attention.

The Potter's were adorable, they came from some third heaven where the effects of the war hadn't reached. They managed to make a decent life and laughed genuine laughs more often than anyone else. How, if you asked me, then I'd have to say that I haven't the foggiest. They were aware of everything and so was James, but somehow they weren't entangled in it like everyone else. 

"Sirius," said Euphemia, James's mother, as she took me into a hug. She had the brightest voice and the happiest eyes. They almost looked creepy to be real. "We missed you on Christmas this year!" 

"Yeah, mum wouldn't let me…" I told her.

She rubbed my arm warmly and told me, like always, that _'to hell with that daft mother of yours_.' How could I not love her after that? Prongs joked about how her parents couldn't have gone more wrong in naming her 'Euphemia.' (well spoken) 

She gave us both her loving hugs. Fleamont, Prongs's dad, patted our backs encouragingly so as to give us permission for leaving.

"Put the cloak to its _right_ use James!" Were his last words before we scuttered along the tiny passageway of Hogwarts Express and found the compartment where Remus and Peter were sitting.

"Padfoot," said Peter excitedly. "We really had fun this full moon! Remus was extraordinarily behaved, it was almost like he was an animagus and not a moonytoon!" 

I eyed my werewolf friend funnily, two full moons ago he was having the worst transformations. What changed this Christmas? 

Remus had an actual smirk plastered to him, which was very unlike him since he was opposed to the idea of anything werewolf related making him happy. What was I missing? 

We had a mini conversation with the looks we were flashing at each other. I had obviously made it a point to show that I'd noticed something was off and I had to know what. He nodded and mouthed _later_. 

"We don't have a seeker anymore," announced James, finally. He sounded sad. 

In confusion, I looked at him and asked, "What happened to Gerhardt? He was brilliant!"

James nodded. "Yeah, the Bizkaia Boggarts are recruiting the same weekend of our match and he'll probably go for their trials. So, we'll need a back up." 

James was obsessed with quidditch, don't get me wrong even I was. He would wake up to his broom and polish it perfectly, every single day. He would then either go for practice or if it was booked by some other house, he would visit the pitch to pay his daily homage. 

I loved the game but I loved flying more. I kept my broom in prime condition, but it wasn't an obsession like his. James just simply lived for the game. 

"Can you please play for this season?" He begged, his puppy-dog eyes glistening. "Please Sirius, I know you don't like the entire tournament thing and you feel it takes the fun away, but it's for Gryffindor!" 

I think I really bonded with Lucinda over that, that quidditch is a game of fun and not rivalry. 

I agreed, of course. Like I could say no to James for anything. He could twinkle his pretty eyes at me and make me do anything and everything. Remus didn't even need to twinkle his eyes, his words were sufficient to convince anyone of anything.

The compartment door flung open and an unexpected surprise stood before us, Ernaline. 

I gave her a bright smile and she thinned her lips in return. I laughed softly at that. That was the maximum show of sentiment she could handle publicly.

"Remus, you're needed for the prefects meeting. Lily is looking for you everywhere." She said, making eye contact only with him, her expression neutral. 

Lily had broken up with James and hadn't spoken to him since the entire Snivellus incident. So when she was mentioned, James's ears stood up, alert and (if I had to guess) he was starting to prepare for his future grovelling.

Hissing, she added, "Peter, why don't you come with me? We'll have a little chat outside." 

Colour visibly drained out of Peter's face and we knew if he were to say anything, his voice would come out quivering.

"Chat about what?" Asked James, concerned for wormtail. 

She briefly looked at me, rolled her eyes and stepped back to leave. "I'll be waiting out." She said, with no further explanation.

Very typical of her. 

Scampering, Peter followed her immediately, shooting us a scared look before doing so. Of course he was scared of her, practically the entire school was. They didn't know what to expect from her. She appeared almost as cold as Snape, according to Moony but she didn't poke or prod her nose in anyone's business like his kind did. She was neither liked, nor disliked. They just wanted to keep their distance from her. 

"I think we should go behind him and see what's this about." I said, curiously. What could she want with Peter? She said she'd give him a chance. 

"There's no point," said James, relaxing back into his seat. "She'll use the silencing charm." 

"And you know that because?" 

"Haven't you noticed? She always uses a silencing charm." Answered James easily. "I mean, in potions when she has to talk about anything other than the subject, even if it's just to ask me to pass her bag she'll use a silencing charm before. She's a little mental I think." 

I had completely forgotten that James was her partner in potions and even he _knew_ her. More than me. 

Remus was more quiet than usual. Something about Ernaline's visit had made him uncomfortable.

"What are you going to do about the whole Lily situation?" I asked, changing the subject for Remus's benefit.

"She's not a situation!" 

Moony rolled his eyes and snorted a laugh at his remark. 

...

Peter had whistled his way to us at the Great Hall, as though he wasn't missing for most of our ride home and he sat next to me. He looked comfortable. 

"What did she want?" Asked James, without losing any time. 

He shrugged and casually said, "She just wanted to know what's up and wanted to ask about me cursing Lucinda." 

Remus choked on his juice and I looked at home wide eyed. Why was he so calm about this? 

"I apologized to Lucinda and everything during the hols, so she was enquiring about the letter I sent her." He said, and continued to mumble. "Told me to never approach Talkalot without her there. As if she's her mum or something. Also, she told me that she's fine with me so long as I don't try to be her friend. Which was weird, but fine. Till the time she's not hexing me I'm okay." 

What was this absurd reaction? Was this her trying to give Peter a chance? 

She probably doesn't understand the concept of it. I could only imagine my mother saying something so screwed up.

Shaking my head, I quickly rid myself of the thought. Ernaline and my mother were nothing alike. Right?


	15. chapter 14 Sirius POV

**_Sirius POV._ **

"Ernaline," I called out from behind her. She was walking away from the transfiguration class, in perfect steps. Why did her  _ steps _ have to be so perfect? What does perfect steps even mean?

Both her and Alfred Rosier turned. I had completely forgotten about her new company when I had called her. Why had I even called her? 

"Black," she answered, unfazed, as always. 

"I wanted to talk to you about the next Hogsmeade weekend," I told her, only Merlin knows why. 

Rosier's face scrunched and he plucked out his wand instantly. "Sod off black, she isn't available!" 

Is that what she was telling him? 

My own wand found itself pointing back at him in defense. You never knew when these Slytherin's acted up and went berserk on you, better to be prepared than sorry.

"I can speak for myself, Alfred. Thanks." She interjected before either of us could do anything drastic. "Though, why are we talking about it, Black?" 

So he was Alfred and I was Black? Utter nonsense.

"Have you forgotten already? I thought we had a lovely time at our last  _ date _ ." I told her, faking a grin. The words were meant for Rosier more than her, I wanted him to question whatever she was playing. Someone needed to question her, out her for whatever game she was playing at. 

James and I were much too experienced to not be able to tell that this was some major stunt she was trying to pull.

She was definitely at something. Pretending that nothing happened when everyone was looking, and then back to normal when they weren't. Either the joke was on me or it was on everyone else. Of which, the chances of it being on me was much higher. 

Why was she doing what she is?

"Oh please Black, we all know what you're trying to do. I'm not falling for one of your stupid pranks again. The only chance you have is with your little gang of blood traitors anyway," Said Rosier, cheekily. He thought he was making the sneakiest and smartest remark in the world.

"That's not that bad of an idea, Rosey," James intoned from behind me. "I think we might take your advice. Better off with each other than with you  _ slimy gits _ ." 

"Are they bisexual?" Asked Rosier with disgust, "No wonder you landed in Gryffindor even after being a Black!"

"And he is a  _ homophobe _ ," I said with equal, if not more, revulsion. However, the smirk never left my face. "I thought you better than to hang around their kind,  _ Brown _ ." 

Ernaline didn't react, her face remained expressionless but I could see her veins throbbing in her neck and annoyance shadow her eyes. "I don't have time for this childish nonsense. Is there anything  _ important _ you wanted to say?" 

"I thought so," she added without actually waiting. Turning around and facing Rosier, she said, "Let's go, Alfred. Slughorn will be waiting." 

Leading the way, she just automatically started climbing the stairs and Alfred, the mighty keeper of Slytherin's team, the son of the Great family of Rosier's, who everyone was supposed to be scared of, scuttered behind her. 

Did she just do what she did? What did she want? She literally spoke to me normally  _ a few days ago _ .

James's hand landed on my shoulder. "I think," he said. "That Bellatrix has possessed her." 

Everyone laughed and I feigned one too. Funnily, it was true she was channeling my cousin from the pits of her own inner Tartarus. 

In any other instance, I would feel bad for the person associating with Rosier. But I wasn't afraid for her at all, only of her. For him, and more so, for my own bloody self. What was this hot and cold mess she was making out of me?

**_###_ **

"Moony, you need to stop doing that," complained Prongs. "I'm ticklish!" 

"So then just bloody remove your pants yourself, mate," Replied Remus, tugging on his waist belt which he'd already pulled down below his arse. 

The usual business went on in the marauder's dormitory, and I was enjoying the show.

"I need to see it!" Said moony, sounding irritated.

"Padfoot! Take that grin of your face and attempt to save me from this monster," said James, between chuckles. He was very ticklish. "Now, pads!" 

"Yes, of course prongs, anything for you" I chuckled. "Stop being the moon monster you are, Remus. Prongsie here can't deal with it anymore." 

There was a small laugh that escaped Remus himself but he didn't stop his efforts to pills James's pants down.  _ However did others think Remus was any better than us? _

"Cut it out guys, it's literally two in the night. You can undress each other at some other time." Said Peter sleepily, "James is hurt but it's fine. Big deal. Who cares about James's legs anyway?" 

Peter knew that I was useless beyond measure when it came to such situations and I'd rather just enjoy it thoroughly rather than break them apart. 

If anyone heard them talking right now, it would just be a wonderful laugh. Nobody would understand how Remus needed to check James's thigh to see if he'd scratched him at the full moon yesterday, again. James would never let him because he was scratched but didn't want to tell him, again. 

"Fine then," agreed Moony, letting James pull his pants back up. "I'm going to sleep in your bed, choking you from my nightly hugs to make you feel better about your boo boo." 

I couldn't control my laugh, at this point. I was reminiscing of our first year selves. 

"You can't just leave me out of this sleeping arrangement," I added, placing myself snugly between them on James's single bed. "I need love too, Moony. You hurt me a little behind my ear. See?" 

"You get a scratch as big as James and then we'll talk," chided Remus. 

"This is my bed," James said in his annoying voice, but curled his arm around the both of us anyway. 

"Yes, please stay there you three and let me sleep." Intoned Peter.

"I don't think he wants to be left alone," commented James. 

"What do you think, should we all go fit into his bed?" I asked. 

"Let's just join the other bed to his bed first." 

"Guys, I really just want to sleep," cried Peter, again. 

"I think he's getting impatient and needs us now," Said James, pulling the two of us up, finally.

Three of us had now made our way towards Peter's bed who groaned at the approaching footsteps. We decided it was a groan of pleasure at our proximity to him. We all fell on top of him, somehow fitting on his bed, our hands and legs falling from the sides of the bed.

"Guys get off me!" Peter screamed. "Okay fine at least join another bed, Merlin I can't breathe." 

"We're too tired Peter." 

"Yeah just let us hug you," added Remus. 

A loud laugh reverberated in The Marauder dorm. These three men in my life were my own personal source of bliss and never failed to deliver it. 

"One day, I will marry all three of you," I told them, grasping the ends of the sheet that I had the luxury of having underneath me. 

As expected, before anyone else could comment, James himself added, "Evans won't let it happen, mate." 

"Are you saying you would choose her over me?" I asked, feigning a voice of hurt. "She who has already dumped you? You'd choose her over us? Us men who are giving you our nightly hugs to heel your monthly booboo?" 

We all sniffled a laugh. "Fine, fine. Let's do it before she changes her mind about me." Said James, still sniggering.

" _ Monthly _ booboo?" Said Remus, disapprovingly. "Monthly is only true for me." 

"Oh, very sorry Monster Moony," I chimed, "How could we lowly wizards share your monthly booboo with you? It's not like we specially turn ourselves into an  _ animal _ like you for your benefit-" 

"Hey! I didn't mean that!" Started Remus, suddenly serious. 

"Oh, shut up moony!" We all said together. 

We were a giant puddle of limbs that gathered on Peter's bed, laughing and talking absolutely crap till the lights started to enter our room at dawn and we slipped into a coma of happiness. 

####

My friends gathered around me as I approached Ernaline. She looked constipated-ly happy, which was odd, contrasting to her usual stoic self and our last encounter.

"Oh, Godric, Sirius. I'm so happy to see you." She exclaimed, happily. "Let's do something fun!" 

What was happening? Why was she talking like that? 

"These are my fiancés," I said automatically, pointing at the marauders.

"Oh they're beautiful!" Said Ernaline.

Beautiful?

Jame started to draw a red circle on the ground, with his wand. Then he pushed both Ernaline and I into it. It was the circle usually made for duels. 

What was happening? Did they want us to duel? I was in no mood to die so soon. 

I wanted to say that it was a bad idea, but before I could, I started throwing hexes and curses at her. 

She threw a bright purple curse to my non-wand arm and it stung horribly. I started another blow of my own attack. 

She stilled and simply received them. 

What?

She didn't revert back to any of the attacks by magic and instead just jumped on me physically, attacking my mouth with hers.

This was a very different kind of duel. 

"Snog! Snog! Snog! Snog! Snog!" Voiced everyone who surrounded the circle. I couldn't see the faces properly, for some reason. 

I returned the new form of attack Ernaline tried on me with full force and in no time we were both gasping for air. 

"I can't breathe," I said, loudly. 

"Get off me, padfoot!" 

Padfoot? She didn't call me that. 

"Sirius Orion Black, wake up and get your fucking morning wood out of my face!" I heard Moony's voice. 

I opened my eyes to look around me and found myself entangled with the marauder's, still in Peter's bed. My hand throbbed under James's weight and face was stuck in the pillow.

"Get off me!" Growled Moony again, pushing me off the bed, onto the floor this time. 

"Godric, what sort of a sex dream was that? You were muttering curses left, right and centre! What are these fantasies, Padfoot?" 

"I think I need a shower, stat." I answered, as the details of the absurd dream started to fade away from my mind. Only the last moments of it remained.

What was my subconscious thinking? Scratching my head, I pulled my towel from the rack and headed into the shower. 

The cold water ran down my hair, trickling down my back and eventually wetting my entire body. I squeezed James's strawberry shampoo, since mine was over, and rubbed it in my hair till it foamed massively and slid down my neck. My left arm was still hurting, I almost believed it was from Ernaline's curse in my dream and not from James's weight that I probably endured for the entire night. 

I was tempted to relieve myself in a more pleasurable way, but the thoughts that lined my mind were enough to kill any boner better than any cold shower could.

Why couldn't I leave that stupid Ernaline out of my mind. I was clearly out of hers. 

Running the shampoo on my chest, and my back, I thought about it further. I simply loved to torture myself. 

After the letter she had sent me on New Year's, I had never gotten any reply from her. Just none at all. Barring the superbly unsuccessful confrontation I had the other day, and few exchanges here and there, there was zero communication.

She had kept to her word, however, and dated many men. Only once, each. By men I mean stupid Slytherin boys who didn't deserve her. Or maybe they did, since she was being an absolute  _ twat _ . 

Except Remus had told me how she was helping him out with having more control during the transformations, so it made it more difficult for me to hate her.

I had hardly known her for a few months but she had started to feel like an important friend. That made me uncomfortable. Uncomfortable for letting someone I absolutely didn't know or understand have significance in my life. 

James didn't understand what we had going on and just told me I was being obsessive. Like he was one to talk with his yap about Evans!

But the actual problem was, I didn't myself understand what was going on. Before, I was thinking on the lines of actually figuring things out with her, but she wasn't anywhere around me for me to be able to figure it out. She had abandoned me even before the earliest sign of  _ something-is-weird _ showed up. 

I couldn't even call it abandonment loudly because she was never a real part of my life to begin with. It only felt like it. 

But it wasn't like her to just up and leave. 

What did I know? I hardly knew her for a few months. Spent a maximum of ten days with just her. 

I rubbed the gel harshly on myself, trying to rid myself of my thoughts. They weren't doing me any good. Rinsing the lather formed on my body, I quickly turned off the tap and glided the towel on my body, behind my neck and in my hair. 

Wrapping the towel on my waist, I exited the shower stall and entered back into our dorm. 

"Ugh," James grunted the moment I entered, "Padfoot, stop using my shampoo on your fucking body!"

"But I have hair all over my body, they need to be shampooed too! I don't like to discriminate." 

Peter made a face but ignored our exchange. "I think we should never do this again, my back is hurting so bloody much." 

"Or we could just join our beds together, honestly that would make everything easier." Suggested James. 

"Nope," said Remus, almost instantly. "Not happening, Isabel is coming up tonight after your quidditch practice. And you all will behave." 

Isabel was the other beater on the team, apart from me of course, and she for one didn't care about Remus at all. I think she was the only one who didn't like him for being the wonderful, perfect human he was and of course Remus loved that. He found the perfect partner to hate himself with. Even though she didn't know why he thought himself  _ tainted _ , she did the job just fine by not treating him like he was an actual person. But at least she shared his sense of humour and animalistic approach to relationships.

Whatever floats his boat. It's not like I knew any better. 

"Fine we'll join  _ our _ beds and leave  _ yours _ alone." Said James, dismissively, crossing his arms. "You can be with this Isabel and we will have each other. Take her to the shrieking shack on the new moon too!" 

Remus rolled his eyes at James. He had been hearing the same taunt since third year now and it had gotten too old for him to even react mildly. "You are just jealous, Prongs." 

"Of Isabel? Hah! The only thing about her that I could ever be jealous of is that she is Lily's roommate!" 

Their banter continued and I silently enjoyed it getting dressed, instead of taking part in it myself. My thoughts had automatically travelled to my conversation with Brown in the shrieking shack. 

I shook my head, this had to stop now. Who was she to take this much of my mind space? 

"You didn't say anything about Sirius's thing with Alice last week!" 

My ears stood at the mention of my name. They needed to leave the entire Alice thing alone. 

They were probably just missing me in their fight, adorable. 

"Because it wasn't a creepy date in our dorm, it was a  _ thing _ in the common room." I said, with a smirk.

"It is not going to be creepy!" Exclaimed Remus, completely irritated now. 

I was grinning like a mad man looking at them have this baseless argument. All the rubbish thoughts plaguing my mind vanished. I just simply loved my boys thoroughly. 

I solemnly swear that someday, I will marry them. All three of them.

####


	16. Chapter 15 Sirius POV

_ Sirius Orion Black, _

_ The only reason this is  _ **_not_ ** _ a Howler is because to announce such a thing would only bring disgrace to our family's honour. _

_ Marley Rosier has written to me and with due concern about your life. Her son tells us about your new stunt wherein you're to go on a romantic endeavour with not only a half blood, but a half blood man!  _

_ First you get sorted into that dirty house, Gryffindor, then you befriend impure blooded or traitorous wizards, now you're crossing all limits, son. I won't be calling you that for long if this goes on. _

_ Keep yourself in check, and you will get a penny or two from us to live on.  _

_ Your  _ **_only Mother_ ** __

_ Mrs Black _

I laughed. This woman was mental.

"Hey Moony," I said, taking a bite into my sandwich. "I completely forgot to tell you that we have a date due." 

"A date due for what? I thought we don't have any more assignments for this term." He asked casually. 

"No, you daft creature, a date." I corrected him, "A romantic endeavour, in my mother's words." 

"Since when do you talk to your mom about your love life?" Questioned Peter, justifiably.

I handed over the letter to the lot of them to read it themselves, they all laughed but ignored it as a joke. 

I later found moony in private and reinforced why it was necessary for us to go on a date. 

"Yes, of course we must go on one. We have never gone together, we deserve it." I told him as though it was an obvious fact. "Besides, I know you've been dying for my attention, Moons. If nothing else, it'll totally get a reaction out of Walburga, it'll be so worth it."

"So let me get this straight," said moony, in his usual I'm-too-smart-for-you voice, "You want to go for dinner with me and call it a date because one, to spite your mother. Two, to make sure you want to get Ernaline's reaction, which might I add you still won't get, and three because we've never gone on one before." 

"One, because you're my best mate and I can't deprive you of the rare and precious opportunity of my company," I corrected him. "And the rest you got right." 

"They aren't bad reasons at all." 

"I would appreciate you saying that, if you toned that sarcasm down!" 

"Well I don't appreciate this situation at all." He chided, casually.

"But Remus, I love you. You love me. What's keeping us from going on this venture?" I said, using my best dramatic voice. "Oh, come on, just agree. Some people will judge, but they already do. So Big deal?"

"Besides all the homophobes will automatically get out of the long list of people waiting to be with you, it'll be super convenient." I added. 

Remus smiled unevenly and snickered a response, "You're confusing your life with mine, padfoot." 

"Please, Moony-my-monster." I said, attempting a puppy face. I should have been amazing at it, considering it was my Animagus.

He thought for a long minute before saying anything. If anyone ever saw Remus thinking so intensely, they would kiss him for it. 

"But, what about Isabel then? We've been doing this exclusive thing for a while." He asked, earnestly. 

"Excuse me! Don't hurt my feelings Moons, we've been exclusive longer than the two of you!" I exclaimed, genuinely hurt. Almost genuinely hurt. "You can tell her it's one of those friendly dates, anyway." 

"And what would it really be?" He asked, cocking his brow. 

I grinned widely. "Well, of course it can't be just friendship between us, Mr. Monster." I said, followed by a small wolfish howl. "It can't be anything less than romantic." 

I tapped my index on his nose gently. 

"You better get used to all my love, Moony my monster, because you have agreed to be one of my many wives." 

####

"Remind me again, why am I not invited to this date?" Asked Prongs, sounding offends. 

"Darling, it's because I can only handle one of you at a time." Said Remus, without missing a beat and we all laughed. 

"It's true, though," I said, fixing my dress robes. "Both of you would be too much. We don't want my mother dead only shaken." 

They had been giving me shit for putting on the robes which were meant for Narcissa's marriage this year, but I'd rather use this expensive and beautiful piece of clothing on someone actually important. Remus fits the category. 

Besides, I planned on taking a photograph and sending it to my mother and if I wore this extravagant piece, she'd lose her mind properly.

"James, we can go together and make it a double date!" Chimed Peter, excitedly. It was a good plan but would fail the purpose of today. 

I took James's face in one of my hands and let the other one rest on his neck. "Don't be jealous, Prongsy. You'll always be my first love," I said softly, fluttering my eyes and leaving a kiss next to his mouth. "The everlasting one, too."

"That's disturbing to know, what about me?" Complained Remus, linking his arm to mine. 

"Now, now, Remus. We're a simple and understanding harem, we don't fight." 

"Only that he bites!" Added Peter. 

Even though we had both dressed up and wanted to show off the fact that we went on an actual date, we had to hide under the invisibility cloak and take the tunnel to Hogsmeade. It was the only way since there were no upcoming Hogsmeade weekends, only upcoming exams. 

I had Owled Rosmerta already and asked her to make all the necessary arrangements for us. I had even arranged a photographer and management to convince her to get us a bottle of Odgen's firewhiskey. It was a perfect date. 

I hadn't done even half of this for anyone else, not even Ernaline. 

"You say that you don't care about her, Sirius. But look at you going to this length just to get back at her." Said Remus, as we peeped out of the honeydukes trap door to get into the village.

She was technically the reason why I was doing this but I was telling myself multiple lies to forget about that.

"Don't repeat this ever again, but I do care about her, Moons." I told him, as we hugged each other under the cloak and shuffled outside quietly. "I just don't know what the fuck she wants with me." 

"Well, I mean she is technically in a relationship with Rosier, so that would mean that she doesn't want anything to do with you." He said nonchalantly.

We removed the cloak from over our head, folded it neatly and pocketed it. I had started using the extension charm more liberally this year after seeing Ernaline do it.

"I don't believe in school gossip, Remus." I told him opening the door to The Three Broomsticks for him. "I will believe it when she tells me."

As we entered the pub, Rosmerta cheerfully greeted us. "Oh, my two favourite and most handsome men are here," she said. "Come on, then. Your special table is ready at the back!" 

Remus mumbled a curse at me at her mention of the special table. "Sirius, how do you not understand the concept of me not having money." 

I laughed and told him I had it covered. Of course I would drain every penny in my mother's vault if I could, but unfortunately I only had limited access. This, however, was in my reach. 

We were seated on one of the isolated tables and it was perfectly lit with candles, two glasses of champagne sat on the table, only I knew that actually it had fire-whiskey instead. 

"This is kind of cute," said Remus, taking his seat. "I hope you know that the only reason I agreed to this was because I genuinely do hate your mother?" 

"Shh," I hissed, "Don't kill the mood, Lupin!" 

Remus laughed. His laugh was such an easy laugh, so relaxed and it almost seemed he'd forgotten all about his lycanthropathy. His lycanthropathy wasn't that big of an issue as his problem with his own condition was. 

I have no idea how he'd agreed to acquaint himself with his new half-girlfriend Isabel, but we had all been shocked out of our minds. We tried to not show it and pretend as though it's completely normal for him to be okay with himself, but we were all secretly worried if he was doing okay with the sudden change. 

Remus and Isabel had the most awkward friends with benefits relationship, awkward only for us. The only reason it worked out perfectly was because she didn't ask the important questions. (Like, are you a werewolf?)

"Right okay," said Remus, "Just one last thing that might be a turn off for you, then we can go back to being the couple we are and discuss our plans for mission get-on-the-wrong-side-of-Walburga-Black's-wand." 

I quirked an eyebrow. 

"She actually is in a relationship with him," he said softly, "It's not gossip, you're forgetting that I meet and talk to her everyday." 

I stared at him for longer than I'd planned, contemplating if I wanted to believe him or not. There was no question of it being the truth, since he would never lie to me. Just my own belief in truth was in question.

Denial was always a good way to deal with things, I believed.

"Now, now Moony." I started with a smirk, "You'll have to work your way to get me turned back on." 

He laughed, shaking his head and just like that, she was forgotten for the time being. "Well then I'll have to tell you that Snape got muggled. That's got to do the trick." 

"Muggled?" I asked. 

"Uh-huh. He was mugged by the muggles. Muggled."

####

_ Ernaline and Severus in the library. _

I read the map. 

Why Severus? Is he bothering her? Probably the other way around.

_ Ernaline and Rosier in the Slytherin dormitory _ .

I shut the map. 'Mischief managed,' I tell it. 

_ Ernaline with James at potions class _ . 

_ Ernaline and Edgar Bones at Hagrid's _ . 

Who was Edgar Bones? How did he know her? 

_ Ernaline and Lucinda at their own dormitories _ .

Okay, that's something I can handle. 

_ Ernaline and Regulus in the Slytherin common room. _

Can she at least leave my brother alone?

_ Ernaline with Remus in the dungeons _ . 

Ugh can't she call me there too?

_ Ernaline in Dumbledore's study _ . 

Why, what happened now?

It had been weeks and my only answers were given by the map. I still hadn't told the others that I had it and only used it once a while. I was turning into a stalker and it was driving me crazy. 

Life didn't stop for anyone and time kept moving ahead. I was wondering if the night at the Owlery, or the one on New year's actually happened. I was wondering what I could do to ease my mind. I was wondering how much longer did I have to wait for answers.

  
####

####


	17. Chapter 16 Sirius POV

**_Sirius POV_ **

"You're bleeding, again." Said Remus, sitting cross-legged on the dungeon floor with one eye open. He couldn't even pretend to meditate anymore. "You can't get hurt everyday, it's just too much for me to deal with." 

"Shut up, it's me getting hurt not you," Ernaline told him, healing the wound on her knee. "See, it's all better already." 

"You need to stop with this nonsense," he said, for the millionth time since we were here. 

"I'm not going to stop training-" 

"I'm not talking about that, and you know it." 

"What do you want, Remus?" She asked, blandly.

He had now opened both of his eyes and hugged his knees together. "You have turned Sirius into a crazed wizard, he is losing his mind." He said, in an accusative tone. 

"I did no such thing. Don't blame me for his actions." Said she, without looking up from her knee and pulling her pants back up. With Remus right there. That bothered me somehow.

Prongs prodded in my side, "Don't do anything stupid, Padfoot." He whispered, despite the silencing charm we had used under the invisibility cloak. 

"Right, because you're some perfect princess and you're not shagging around just to spite him." Remus said, cockily.

"Correct," she answered, ignoring his sarcasm. 

"And you're not just prodding with the man's ego by playing with Alfred Rosier." 

"Remus, stop being a pain in my arse about this. You know exactly what I am doing and why I'm doing it." Said Ernaline, almost beginning to get irritated but didn't show it more than letting her jaw twitch. "It has nothing to do with Sirius Black and everything to with the war." 

"I know it, he doesn't. Tell him." 

Ever since we came back to Hogwarts she had been keeping me at an arm's length. Our date on New Year's seemed too much for her to handle.

"It's not that simple, Sirius is very obvious and loud about these things. Rosier can't know that I'm faking everything." She said, seating herself next to Remus. "This entire thing has been quite successful." 

"You don't even know Sirius, Ernaline." He told her, truthfully. "Give my judgement some credit. I've known him for all our lives." 

It was true, she had hardly known me, as I hardly knew her. But this truth pricked at me somehow. Remus knew her. 

"Oh come on, he forced me on a date with him just to get a reaction from his mum  _ and you _ ," Remus said, exasperated. " _ And _ it was a good one, I would highly recommend it." He added, knowing she wouldn't budge. "At least give him some response. You're being a complete asshole about this." 

"True," she said, agreeing, "But I warned him I was one, so it's not my fault, not really." 

"Fine, at least  _ attempt _ to handle the entire Rosier situation," he said, sarcasm laced in his voice. "Without involving much snogging, please. It's just  _ too pretty _ a sight for this werewolf."

"How can I deprive you moony," I retorted. "Besides, it's probably the only thing he's actually good at, I might as well take advantage while I can. That's the only way I can stop myself from killing him every time he opens his mouth."

He only chuckled and lightly shook his head. "Come on, Slutty Ernie-no-pants, let's get out of here. This place smells like troll-shit." 

They walked to our respective common rooms to shower and get ready for class. We followed.

As we reached the Gryffindor common room, I tugged on Remus's collar and pulled him inside the cloak.

"What the fuck!" He screamed. His eyes widened in bewilderment. "You- you guys followed me… there?" 

"Oh yeah, we did." Agreed James. "You lied to us! You said Dumbledore's helping you out with some channel-your-inner-wolf nonsense!" 

"You're friends with her behind our back?" James said, irritated.

Remus pulled the cloak tighter around us And dragged us into a broom cupboard so that people don't bump into us. "Are you mental?"

In the small space we were in already, James neared Remus further and narrowed his eyes at him. "You're calling us mental? You're the liar!" 

"Ugh-" Cried Remus, "I'm not a liar, I'm just under a silence vow!" 

Giving him a minute to regain his composure I asked, hissing, "Ernie-no-pants?" 

Remus's face straightened into an unreadable expression, somewhere between laughing and crying. "I walked into her and Rosier doing things, once." He said, almost as casually as I'd expect Ernaline to be.

He walked into them _doing things_ and Ernaline was _without pants_?

"More importantly, why is this related to the war?" Asked James, elbowing me to indicate that we should ask the important questions first.

"Silence vow." He said, irritated now. "You'll have to ask her that." 

"Why does she have to stop herself from killing Rosier? I mean, she might as well do it!" 

"I honestly don't know the answer to that question." Sighed Remus. 

James was obviously more lost about the entire situation. The confusion and concern was visible on his face when he asked, "Why were you with her anyway?"

Remus's jaw clenched and his gaze fixed on me. 

"She's been helping me with the transformations," he answered, still glaring at me. "As you already know, Padfoot." 

I rolled my eyes. Of course he'd pull me into the mess, I had also kept this from James and I should be in equal trouble as him. 

Prongs shot me a look but let Remus continue.

"If I continually let the wolf take over my conscience, throughout the month, it'll let me have more control during the full moon. It's actually been working so far." He explained.

"And you couldn't tell us because?" Questioned James, rightfully.

"She's helping me out with something, which would otherwise cost me a fortune. And  _ she _ only asked for my silence in return." 

  
  



	18. Chapter 17

_**Ernaline's POV** _

I couldn't bring myself to get out of the same cycle of thoughts where he would end up in Azkaban and I wouldn't be able to do a thing about it. I was asking for the torment, really.

So once I rejoined school I decided to focus on things I had control over on instead. I started collecting information about Death Eaters. Yes, I did already know a lot, but since I started talking to Remus I realized that there was much, much more that I didn't know. Not just about Death Eaters but even about the marauders.

My conversation with Peter had only proved that he had only started to become the evil rat he was to become but he hadn't done anything drastic, yet. He was pretending that he was just the kid who was bullied beyond measure and tried to stand up for himself once, which backfired on him. To be the Peter who was a sweetheart. Untrue.

Remus didn't approve of my ways of information collection, but how could I say no when Rosier was openly inviting me for opportunities that were too good to pass? He only saw me as a pureblood woman who would do good as a Death Eater. He was convinced that my 'Merlin' background would come in handy. Moreover, he wanted the Brown family to get linked to the special 28 pureblood families; in other words he wanted to court me and get our marriage arranged.

I was only letting him think he was right to assume all of that, while he openly tried to woo me. I was playing hard to get, but it was visible to everyone with eyes that I was interested. Because  _ I was interested, _ but in the information he could provide and not him himself.

Remus thought I was suicidal or just wanted to torture Sirius and him. Him because he couldn't handle Sirius's flings or feelings anymore, which had gotten much more aggressive and uncommitted since I wouldn't agree to explain much. 

It was somewhat my fault. 

It was very disconcerting to know Sirius was someone else completely and that I had liked this person not as a fangirl of the books, but as the actual human he was. It made things much more real and I was scared for my own self. He was going to die and I would feel horrible about it. 

I huffed. It was going to be another long day. I had to do the same stupid hide and seek dance that I did to avoid Sirius at all costs. I had to play along with Alfred Rosier's stupid shit. I had to avoid Lily, James and even Remus. Lucinda knew some of what was going on but completely ignored the fact that it was happening, on my behest.

Filius was another person who I had to lose complete contact with to achieve the goals with my plan. 

The only thing keeping me sane were my morning sessions with Remus. They were the only time I existed at all.

"Potter," I said, as I did usually, sliding into our potions bench. 

"Brown," he replied, bitterly. 

We worked our potion in silence and to perfection. Yet, I could feel the tension between us, it was thick enough to be cut by a knife. 

"I think we should ask for a partner change." He suggested towards the end of the class. After the longest silence he'd ever given me, or anyone at that matter. 

I had been receiving his questions and remarks since a while now. I understood where he came from and I understood that he blamed me for not only Sirius's odd behaviour but even for his own break up with Lily. 

But suggesting splitting into different workbenches was new and an idea I didn't understand. We worked perfectly well as lab partners.

I was anyway too selfish to just let him go so easily. I wasn't just going to let me be reallocated to another human with a stuffy brain. No, that wasn't an option at all. 

Even though his silence was a punishment I didn't like to endure. One day with it was enough. Making James Potter choose to remain silent was a feat no-one else had ever achieved. He either didn't care enough about others or he didn't get so angry with them. He was disappointed in me. Why now?

I put a silencing charm around us before speaking.

"James," I said, rethinking what I was about to do. "What is it? Why are you being like this?" 

"You've been torturing Padfo- Sirius." He responded, his words harsh. "I don't trust you!" 

"This is very random." I said, blankly. "Why this sudden change of heart?" 

James breathed in deeply but didn’t say anything for the longest time. 

"Just forget about it," he said after what seemed like a dozen minutes, and I made a mental note to ask Remus about this. 

"Fine." I added. "I'm removing the silencing charm." 

James gave me a constipated look, I guessed he was attempting to look serious, but didn't say anything after I removed the charm. We both quickly gathered our extra supplies and put them back in Slughorn's cupboard. 

"What was that about," beamed Alfred Rosier's voice as we left the classroom, "Why the silencing charm?" 

I breathed normally and answered his question without giving any hint of the fact that I was lying, "I just wanted to make sure Slughorn didn't hear what I had to say to the filthy Gryffindor. Didn't want to lose any house points now, did I?" 

James and Sirius had been walking right ahead of us during this exchange. I had expected a huge reaction from them, but they only hitched their steps for a second and continued to walk afterwards.

Rosier laughed, resting his hand on my neck and slowly messaging it in circles.  _ Horny prick _ , I thought. It's not like I was any better, but at least I had a really good reason for indulging. 

I had devised an amazing plan: don't return the favour and only enjoy myself. It was going  _ very _ well for me. Remus thought it was sick to be able to enjoy it, but I firmly believed in my bent moral compass and did what felt like the best case scenario.

All I wanted was to be alone with nice people or my family but I had to deal with what I could get. 

I think I missed Filius Flitwick the most. He was the nicest of them all. I realized I had come to love him, most easily, in the short span of time I spent with him. 

I was good at hiding my discomfort and pretending that things are normal, but no one knew that I was still uncomfortable. Uncomfortable, irritated, hurt, sad and angry at the circumstances. No-one except Thomas Merlin knew that and he was nowhere near me at the time. 

####

The day had ended in a blur with the same monotonous events repeating themselves and the next one had already started. 

I groaned as reality hit me again. I was miserable and I took a moment to acknowledge that. Rosier was getting more and more difficult to manage and he demanded to seal the deal  _ and soon _ . I was nervous about James's random freak out. Did Sirius say something to him? Everything would go to hell. I was thoroughly confused and I was second guessing all my decisions.

I slipped out of my bed and dragged myself to the washroom, brushed my teeth, washed my face and picked my workout robes, I left for the deeper dungeons.

Surprisingly Remus was late today and I didn't find him already seated in the middle of the room, trying to get some meditation done, like on every other day. Odd. 

I removed my shoes and night clothes, and slipped into my cross chested robes ok my body. 

"Ernaline," I heard Remus call out as I was about to begin buttoning my robes. "Oh." He said as he noticed that I was still changing. "Umm, I'll wait outside."

That was odd, Remus was not shy of seeing me naked, contrary to my original perception. He had witnessed it enough times now to shed off any remainder of discomfort he could have had with it. 

"That's funny Remus, you don't feel the need to wait outside every other day," I commented. He made a stodgy face but didn't say anything. 

"Did you ask Potter about why he was mad?" I asked. 

"Uh, he said he'd talk to you himself." He said, uncomfortably.

"Who shoved a cucumber up your arse, Beast?" I joked with a small chortle.

He remained silent and without moving from the door, continued to stare at me. Was he some imposter? 

"Okay, something is wrong. Security question. Tell me something only you know about me." I demanded, sticking my hand in my pocket and getting a firm grip around my wand. 

"I don't think that's required Ernaline," he coughed.

Since when did he call me Ernaline? 

"Who are you?" I grunted, pointing my wand at him now. I could look scary, but being pantless and all that, it just didn't do justice to how scary I actually was. 

"Oh, oh. Godric," he gasped. "You woke up on the wrong side of the bed today. Fine, fine, your Animagus is a Niffler." 

He backed towards the wall, a little more shaken than necessary, he said, "Merlin, woman, point that wand at someone else, I don't want to be cut today instead of your imaginary opponents." 

It had to be Remus, no one else knew I was a Niffler. Not even Sirius. 

"Invisible, not imaginary." I corrected him. "I don't know what's gotten into you today."

He remained silent, again. He was acting so strange. 

"Go on then, get on with your practice. Don't act weird again or you'll find yourself at the wrong end of my wand, wolf. Too early for this nonsense." I grunted, uncommonly. 

"You're acting funny yourself, you never lose patience." He said, moving towards his usual sitting place. 

"Can you blame me?" 

His eyebrows knotted together and his forehead creased. "What is that supposed to mean?" He asked. 

"I don't know, you're acting abnormally and I was already on edge with the entire Rosier situation. He's been pushing about the family contract nonsense and I have been trying to find a clean break from him. He wants to do it tomorrow. It's just a little much." I said, trying to lessen the irritation in my voice. 

Remus looked shocked beyond measure and gulped several times before saying anything. "You never said anything, you've been so casual about it. I thought you had it all figured out." 

"I do have it all figured out," I said, not believing it myself. "There is just something off about Potter's behaviour. And I've been thinking about telling Sirius everything. And then about how  _ he'll _ react." 

"I am trying to remember that I'm only doing this for the bloody war, but it doesn't mean that I like it." I added. 

After a minute of silence Remus and I both laughed.

"Okay, I'm trying, really hard to get the best out of the situation. But it's still sick to pretend to like a fucking Death Eater, Remus, it's not that si-" 

"WHAT!" I Heard a shout from Remus's direction, but not from Remus himself. 

"Remus, you didn't." I said pointedly realizing what had just happened.

"They were already here yesterday," he said, taking a defensive stance. "And it's not like I could stop them. I don't know-" 

"Fuck all that!" Shouted Sirius Black, uncovering himself and James from the invisibility cloak. "Pretending? Pretending to like a DEATH EATER? Rosier is a Death Eater?" 

"Not fair, Remus Lupin." I said, crossing my arm and exhaling deeply. 

"Oh no, nono. What is not fair is that you left me bloody hanging, used me for comfort and faked to be with that fucking chipmunk of a death eater! What was the purpose of this, torturing me?" Sirius started with his accusations.

Merlin, I should have known this was coming, maybe I could have explained it better.

“The world doesn’t revolve around you, Sirius.” I deadpanned. 

"Did you pretend to like me as well? To see if I was going to become one of those shitty jokes of death eaters in masks! Is that it?"

I relaxed into a soft stance and decided to just let Sirius say whatever came to his mind.

"What are you looking at standing there, you disgusting crone!" He growled angrily, meaning the insult. "Answer my fucking question!" 

"Which one," I asked, softly. 

"Which one, she asks!" He said, his voice soaring. Before I could manage to put the silencing charm, he began towards me, to physically attack me. What a bloody daft human. 

I simply shifted my feet when he came near enough and he ended up charging towards the wall. He turned and attempted to punch my face, I ducked slightly and he missed. 

His irritation was at his maximum when he pulled his wand out and began throwing curses and hexes at me, none of which actually hit me. 

"Stop," I said finally, holding both his hands and turning them behind him. I pocketed his wand as well. "This was enough attacking to make you feel better." 

I had expected a slightly rash reaction, but this was thoroughly unexpected from him. Especially after all the other times he'd remained calm.

"This wasn't about you, I didn't know I would get such a bloody perfect opportunity for spying on them as soon as we returned." I started to explain.

"You could have told me," he hissed in my grip.

Making my grip firmer and pulling his head towards me, I said, "I thought about that, but I was afraid you'd react exactly like this. Besides, I'm sure you heard me when I said I was going to." 

"Why don't we all sit and talk about this? I'm very confused, I think I need a lot of explaining." Intervened James, finally.

After a series of remarks from Sirius about how I was the filthy piece of shit I was and how I didn't deserve to be heard, they all finally calmed down enough to hear me out. 

I explained everything, making them take an unbreakable vow. Remus had previously taken vow of silence, which unlike the unbreakable vow wouldn't kill him if they spoke about it, but would only leave him silent forever. Now, they couldn't speak a word until I specifically asked them to and they couldn't lead anyone to the truth as Remus had done. 

Remus agreed without any hesitation and the other two reluctantly followed him. 

Obviously, as I had done with Remus, I left out everything related to the books and stuck to the story I had told my parents: I was willing to do anything for this war and this was the perfect opportunity to help gather information. I didn't dwell much into the information I had found from Rosier, that was something I kept to myself and Remus. 

"So you're saying that the only reason you were avoiding Sirius and even Filius, was because it wasn't good for your spy story?" Asked James towards the end, "And you're saying you had nothing to do with Evans not talking to me anymore." 

"And that  _ you've _ been training Remus and not Dumbledore," added James. 

"Why are you okay with Remus seeing you naked?" Asked Sirius, distastefully, shamelessly.

"I don't have an issue with nakedness in general, I like being naked and often, Remus has come to terms with it." I answered truthfully.

"Why should I believe anything you say?" He hissed.

"Why bother to ask me or be angry at me then?" I responded. "Just ask Remus and he'll tell you." 

"Moony has nothing to do with your sluttishly slutty self," He narrowed his eyes at me, but didn't say anything more. 

Remus cleared his throat and finally spoke. "So how are you planning to get out of this entire Rosier mess?" 

I didn't want to say anything about my plan, they would thoroughly disapprove. It wasn't very  _ morally convincing _ . 

"Uh-huh," I said instead, "Whatever I'm telling you is strictly need-to-know basis." 

Remus gave me a knowing look, like he knew I was specially trying to hide something but the other two hadn't picked it up. I had been spending an awfully large amount of time with Remus and he had learnt to pick up on some of my ques. 

"You're just lying." Remarked Sirius. He didn't actually know what he was saying, he was just angry beyond wits and wanted to accuse me at every point of this conversation. 

"Who is this information for?" Asked James.

At least someone was asking the real questions here. I was beginning to think the marauders, who managed to make the infamous map, and turn themselves into Animagus without any supervision, played out numerous significant acts of mischief in their earlier school years (These acts which the entire school spoke about,) were a bunch of empty brained kids. Thanks to James, I changed my mind. 

"Good question," I told him, "But can't answer. That's too risky a piece of information. I'll tell you when you're all licensed and are of age." 

"You're not of age as well, why are you involved," said Remus, this time. He had never approved of me doing what I was, but never questioned it like this. 

"Well I am licensed, remember?" I said truthfully. "I don't have the trace on me as well, if I had to be on the run if something goes the wrong way, I wouldn't have an issue." 

"And, to be real, I know much, much more advanced magic than you, and I can handle myself in an actual fight." I added. It was a truth they needed to know.

The three of them sat in a semicircle facing me with disturbed expressions. They shouldn't be okay with this, of course. I wouldn't be okay with it, it was almost a case of hypocrisy for me to expect anything more than distrust. 

"See, I know this is all fucked up." I said, finally giving the only hint of remorse I could. "But I will always do whatever is required for this war and I can't really expect you to understand my fucked up priorities, but this is how it is.

"I'm not planning on apologizing if that's what you are waiting for, because if you're going to be in my life then this is going to happen again and often." 

"Who'd want that after this?" Said Sirius, meaning his words. "Who'd want to be in your stupid life?" 

"Fair enough," I said, cooly. 

His words hurt more than they were supposed to. But at least he'd distance himself from me now, he'll move on and get on with his life without all the extra drama that came with me. 

I had thought about how complicated it would be to keep so many secrets between us if we were to ever actually be in a relationship. I had thought about it too many times. 

"Alright then, since we've got all of this covered. You guys can get back to your lives." I breathed, "Remus you can skip for today, it's fine." 

He nodded but asked, "What about you?" 

"I can't afford to not practice." 

"Yeah, she's obsessed with that fucking war! The war, which hasn't even started, is much more important than the people who'd probably just eventually die in it." Said Sirius, laughing as he left behind James. 

He'd said it without even realising that he did. The war wasn't more important and the only reason I was trying to fight it was to be able to eventually save them. 

I turned to face the wall. "Leave," I told Remus and he did without asking twice. 

My eyes moistened but I refused to let it get further than that. My cheeks flushed, and my eyes heated. A shriek escaped me. A very, very angry one. 

#### 

Dealing with the entire group of Death Eaters was exceptionally difficult the entire week. 

The conversation with James and Sirius made things very difficult. Remus had tried to cheer me up during the following days after it, but only tiptoed around the elephant in the room. 

I had bunked potions all week to avoid James, but finally decided it had gotten too much and decided to attend today. I had used the time to get some studying for the upcoming OWLs done, so I didn't regret it either way. 

I found myself entering the classroom late, gaining everyone's attention.

"Finally, Ms. Brown, we were beginning to think you had acquired Dragon Pox!" Joked Slughorn as I entered. "Get started, quickly-quickly. Everyone's much ahead already." 

Lily shot me a look, surprisingly and got back to her work immediately after. 

I had found James fumbling with the ingredients and the instructions, looking completely lost. "Where have you been?" He demanded. "You're the one who tells me which ingredient is what! I've been struggling all week." He complained.

"I was expecting a very different reaction." I told him, sorting out the ingredients he had gathered according to the list.

"Are you saying you were hiding from me? That's very unlike you." He said. 

I laughed lightly, possibly after a really long time. "It's actually very like me to hide and run. I'm a slimy, coward, Slytherin, remember?" 

"The only one I like," he added, easily. We both continued to do our part of the work and my heart shuddered at how effortlessly he'd said it. Did he not hate me like Sirius did? 

"I'm sorry we came off too strongly that day, Sirius mainly. It was really unfair of him to say what he did, without giving you any credit for your situation." He said as though he knew what I was thinking. 

"Can't blame him, I was kind of a bitch to him." I shrugged. 

"He doesn't hate you, he's only hurting. I can hardly imagine how much guts would it take to pull what you're pulling, it's like the biggest prank on the worst Slytherin ever." Is all he said for the rest of the period. He said the words very proudly. 

Prank, he had said. As if what I was doing wasn't a life threatening mission but a trick for a laugh.

I stirred the cauldron, aimlessly staring into its contents, lost in the whirls that were formed in it. 

I was done with the double life, I had to do something about my situation. 

"James, can you do me a favour?" I asked him, looking up but still stirring the spatula in circles. "Could you talk to Filius for me, please?" 

"I don't mind, but why can't you tell him yourself?" He said, confused. 

I didn't know what to tell him. Sirius's words about how no-one would want to be in my life rang in my ears as they had all week. I was trapped in the very trap I was running from: the thoughts of his capture, of his death. Of James's death. 

"I don't have the heart to hear his reaction." I said softly, only for him to hear. 

He only nodded.

"Besides, it'll take a while for me to get the act together. I can't approach him. Not yet." 

  
  


####

  
  


"Alfred," I called out, as he left a trail of kisses down my throat. 

I hadn't been able to do anything more than kiss Rosier since the day of my intervention.

He realized my sudden stiffness and began to rub his hands in circles on my back, slipping it inside my shirt.

My mind flooded of all the accusations Sirius had sent my way. ' _... More important than the people who'd probably just end up dying _ .'

Rosier's hands glided on my waist and reached the front of my chest, teasing at the bottom of my breasts.

_ 'Who'd want to be in your life? _ ' I remembered him saying.

"Stop, stop." I said, pushing him away.

"What's wrong?" He asked against my skin, continuing to kiss me. 

I firmly removed his hands from me and said, "Stop. I am not in the mood." 

He looked at me confused and distressed, as though I had taken his favourite toy from him without any reason. "Well, you have to be in the mood because I am. It's not like you need an erection or anything." 

"That is not how it works, Rosier." I said fixing my clothes and moving to leave his dormitory.

"Just come back here, already." He demanded, sitting on his four-poster. His chest was bare and exposed his abs, his full pectoral muscles and he only wore his half pants. It was a sight I would have been otherwise been attracted to, but his thoughts and words just killed everything. 

That was a problem I dealt with before, but now my own thoughts were troubling me. 

"Oh come on, cub," he said, nearing me, "Fine, I bet the good knews will change your mood. We are finally getting betrothed, I've already spoken to my father and everything is in order. He'll get on with talking to your parents soon." 

Oh god, he has spoken to his father? Couldn't he fucking wait for my approval. Perfect, fucking perfect. 

I had been trying to find the right time to put an end to this nonsense but now I wasn't left with a choice. Easy or not it was a big decision. I couldn't help stop more attacks if I did this, but I couldn't be officially wrapped in a death eaters mess either. My pulse drew faster and thoughts aligned to the only conclusion there was: end it now. 

I gently whirled my hand thinking of the legimens spell. I slowly found memories I didn't want him to have and used the obliviate curse. I pushed them further into his mind, adding a few memories of me crying as I left. Instead of just leaving him with a blank mind, I decided to leave a few memory inserts suggesting he was the one who wasn't attracted to me anymore and he broke it off. One last time, I rummaged through his mind to find any other information I needed. 

What I did was thoroughly illegal, enough for me to land in Azkaban for more than five years. But since I didn't use my wand, there was no trail left behind for them to track. 

I left the dorm finally and just waited in the common room. I didn't know how to be in front of Lucinda and not confess what I'd done. Adrenaline still ran through me making my heart race and I didn't trust myself when influenced by the particular hormone. Even though it was a perfectly planned criminal activity and easily executable one too, it had been difficult to perform and digest myself. Lord knows how anyone else would react. 

I had always trained to be able to do such a thing and morality wasn't much of an issue here, but committing a crime is much different than just having the resources to commit one. Everything became very real now. 

I had just made my first illegal move in the war. 

"So you finally managed out," I heard a cold voice approach me. 

"I was  _ asked _ out," I corrected automatically, without even realizing it was Severus. I had grown to be too comfortable and unguarded with him. Bad idea, but I had let it slide for the sake of my own sanity.

"That's funny." He said, still sounding cool. "And convenient." 

What did he know?

I almost understood what Remus meant when he said I sounded like Severus. He meant to say he could see how I tried to keep my voice devoid of emotions.

"I'm tired Severus, goodnight." I told him, getting up to leave. 

"It was obvious that someone was tampering with the operations, Brown." He said quietly, "It'll be  _ obvious _ it's you, if you leave our company and it suddenly stops."

I remained silent, not wanting to confirm his allegations but interested in what he had to say. I had thought about this and came up with an incredibly complex plan, but I could really use some help. 

"I'm not going to tattle," he added. "I know already, I've seen you send your Owl out on the respective days. It's better if you out yourself now, it'll get difficult after." 

I didn't know but somehow I was still relaxed and didn't freak out with his observation. I made a mental note to be more careful about communications from now on. I had taken all precautions but it was important to relay the information as soon as possible to prevent the attacks. 

"What are you suggesting, Sev." I asked, remaining relaxed.

"I'll let you know the next one." He said, simply. "Don't think for a minute that I am going against the lord," he added immediately, "I can't anyway say anything since I didn't mention it before. Besides it's best if you don't get trampled in this nonsense." 

"We'll have to take an unbreakable vow." I told him. He nodded. 

"And what do you want in return?" I asked. 

"Just stay away from us." 

Quirking a brow, I said, "I can't promise that in the vow, Severus." 

I knew he wouldn't defect completely anytime soon, but I trusted the vow he'd taken to keep me out of the discussions between him and his gang. He had a bent sense of morality too, just like mine. I, in a weird tragic sense, had started to understand him and his obsession with things. I was very similar to him, but stood miles apart from him, separated by the war. 

"We'll call it an unsettled debt then." 

"Okay," I agreed. 

####

Another grueling week passed, now I didn't have my actual friends  _ and _ I didn't have my fake friends to fill the day, only my thoughts. The saving grace being the upcoming OWLs and my need to study for them. 

I was Owled today to see Dumbledore after classes and marched towards his office right when the final bell rang. 

The gargoyle made way for me as I spoke the password, like always, and I climbed my way up the stone stairs. The smell of something burning hung in the air. 

"What's burning?" I asked instantly, without reaching up.

"His bird just died." An answer came, leaving my eyes wide open. Fawkes died? But that's not what startled me. 

I ran upward immediately realizing who spoke the words and found exactly who I thought I heard. 

"Oh my god," I cried running towards the owner of the voice, "Thomas." 

I held him tightly, my eyes pooling and with a hitched voice I said, "I have massively fucked up." 

Throats cleared behind me and I realized it wasn't just us here. I half turned to find a room full of adults I didn't know. I only recognised my parents. It was an order meeting. 

"Well, Dumbledore thought  _ introductions _ were in order after the success we've had recently." Said Thomas, chuckling.

My face heated, but I drew a magical veil in front of it hiding it completely from everyone else's view. 

"Miss," started Dumbledore, leaving out my name realizing I didn't want it revealed. "I thought I had specifically asked you to wait until you were of age." 

"Couldn't pass the opportunity when it was laid on a platter in front of me." I told him truthfully, changing my voice. 

My father's eyes were fixed on me, but he looked more concerned than angry. Concern was worse than anger because it meant I had to feel bad about whatever I'd done to make him feel it. He must have realized it was me because of my reaction to Thomas and the general way I was behaving. 

"We understand that you are no longer in the same position as before?" 

"I will be able to tell you about one more attack." I answered, "I can't be under their suspicion for giving away information." 

"May we ask how would you-" 

"No," I answered before he could complete his question. "I won't reveal my sources and I will not be summoned to any more meetings without being  _ informed _ of them. Are you forgetting that I am a child and this could be dangerous for me. Besides, I haven’t given consent to reveal my identity." 

More confused looks landed on me but I couldn't care less. This could destroy my entire plan and make it easier for any mole of future mole to identify me. If I didn't think on my feet, I would have been exposed already. 

"Is there anything else?" I asked. When there was no answer I turned and whispered to Thomas, "Meet me in the troll house, now." 

I knew he was almost behind me but kept distance to keep from prying eyes. I entered my sad excuse for my own personal practice arena, a vacated cell meant for trolls. 

Thomas followed, shutting the door behind him. I wanted to be angry and I wanted to scream, but looking at my best friend, my only friend, other than Marjorie, at this point of time I dissolved in my own sobs which I had held since months now. 

"I was preparing for a nice bashing for letting you be dragged into the mess and you break-down on me instead, Dawn?" He said engulfing me in his warmest hugs and patting my back gently. "You haven't done this in a while." 

"It's too much," I continued to cry. "If I be with them it's too much to know of their deaths and now, if I don't, it's worse. I can't do this." 

"I am not this strong. No amount of control can cover up this feeling. I feel horrible." I told him, falling to my feet. 

Thomas sat next to me, letting me be in his comforting hold. "It's okay, I promise we'll figure a way out for as many of them as we can." 

"We tried to save Duncan Ashe already and you know how  _ that _ turned out. We can't change the bloody future. I am a bloody pythoness, I have no power!" 

"Shh Dawn," he said. "We've discussed this. We won't be playing with Rowling's version of the future but only add details to it. Very slight ones which even she won't notice." 

He rocked me like I was a child. It was ironic since he never ever treated me like one, except now. 

"Just think of it as you don't know when they'll die because you'll definitely be doing something about it." He added. 

It was a comforting thought. They could live for longer. They could have more of a story than what is written about them. 

"I- I have botched everything. All our plans." 

"You never sound so underconfident, what happened to your  _ fake it till you make it _ approach to life?" He said with a smile, straightening up. "I don't have long, only an hour at max. Dumbledore's going to fry me for leaving the meeting at your tail. So better make it worth it and tell me everything." 

I did. 

####

I had found myself a corner in the library to study. A corner where all the copies of Monster book of Monsters sat and no student dared to come. 

Rosier had found it confusing how to be around me initially, because his memories didn't align with how he felt. But eventually he just fell into the trap created for him and started behaving like a typical ex. He, unexpectedly, didn't act harshly. 

I had taken Thomas's advice seriously and taken to studying. I had also agreed to give everyone space after telling them the maximum amount of truth possible for me to tell. I did. 

Everyone included the marauders (not Peter), Lucinda, Filius, and Lily. I had already told most of everything to the marauders and the information had been passed on to Filius, but just to make things right I had managed to call them together and explained the entire thing properly. Of course I had extended the vow to all of them. 

Everyone realised that I had left out some details, but I couldn't have told most of them to the others for some future implication or the other. 

Filius had surprisingly taken it well and taken me into a hug almost instantly. He had sobbed in my stead that day, and made me focus on consoling him rather than giving in to my own internal mess. 

Lily and Sirius were the worst, they didn't say a word. From Sirius it was expected after our last chat but Lily's reaction had left me completely unlaid. My face didn't show any of it, however. 

Remus and James had supported me as I explained and Lucinda had known most of it so she didn't react much. 

It had been a month since my confession now, everyone was deep into their preparation to give a shit about it. 

"Ahem-hem," a noise of someone clearing their throat sounded above me, loudly. 

"You're in the bloody library-" I started saying before looking up. "Lily." I said realizing it was her. 

"Why didn't you tell us about the attacks you prevented?" She asked, softly this time, seating herself next to me. 

"How did you know?" I asked.

She looked at me apologetically but then said, "I sort of got into a fight with James about being okay with you." She paused to gauge my reaction. There was none, so she continued, "It got messy, Sirius was supporting me. It was just bad. Then Remus lost it- and Remus never loses it, his mind is most intact among all of them. He started about the attacks and told us about the order…" 

"I'm sorry," she offered, "I was being incredibly harsh. I think I might have had the worst reaction of them all. You should have told me." 

Shaking my head, I placed my hand on hers softly. "It's- it's fine, Lily. Really I should have never let you guys involved in the beginning or I should have told you once you were." 

"And your reaction was far, far better than Sirius's," I told her, making a joke of it, laughing. "He told me people shouldn't want themselves to be in my life." 

"That's actually something I wanted to talk to you about," she said, pulling her chair neared to mine. "Sirius didn't exactly take it well, I think he might have purposely banged his head against the wall once or twice. He went berserk, to be honest." 

What? That didn't make sense. 

Voicing my thoughts truthfully, I said, "Well, I mean I don't know why that'd make him more angry at me but I've realized that he doesn't really want me to-" 

"-He's not angry at you, daft witch. He's angry at himself for reacting poorly and at Remus for  _ letting him _ react poorly." She corrected me. 

"Oh," was all I managed to say. 

I had hoped for him to come around sooner rather than later but it hardly seemed like a real possibility. Even now, after Lily mentioned this said fight, I was hardly willing to believe he would. 

I had a brief worry about Peter being involved in this fight, but realized that wouldn't have been possible with the vow in place.

"Not oh, Ernie," she said, calling me by my nickname after months together. "The correct reaction would be to go and have a conversation with him again. In private this time. After exams of course, they're important." 

I nodded but my mind had already found itself speeding into a plan to adhere to Lily's suggestion, ignoring the part about after exams. 

"This must have been awful for you." She chanted. "The entire thing. And we gave you more shit for it, I can't be sorry enough. I should have known to ask you at least." 

It took me at least an hour to make sure that Lily understood that there was nothing for her to feel bad about and my misery was my own doing.

"So what's up with Potter and you?" I asked. 

"We're," she said, then paused to think, "We're trying to figure it out. I don't know, it's weird. He's being excessively understanding of everything and that's not sitting well with me."

"What?" I asked, genuinely confused. Why would that be a problem? These people sometimes didn't make sense to me. 

"It's very unlike him," she said. 

"So he's changed then? And that makes you uncomfortable?" I asked, trying to understand. 

She nodded. "He's become too mature." 

I laughed.  _ James Potter has become too mature _ is a statement that even I can't imagine being true. "Lily, that's not complicated at all. He's not mature.  _ You're _ delusional." 

Lily blinked at me rapidly. "You're laughing." She said, sounding surprised. 

"Well, surprise." I told her. "I'm not a complete dementor." 

"You're trying to joke." She added. "I think the OWLs have really gotten to you." 

We both laughed. 

  
  



	19. Chapter 18

"Can you please not ruin the most perfect full moon I've ever had by this conversation, Sirius." Complained Remus as we walked through the tunnel back to Hogwarts, with our heads bent to fit in its tiny height.

"I'm really not asking for much." 

_ " _ I'm not an Owl, Sirius!" Said Remus, vexed. 

I shook my head, not apologetic at all about what I'd demanded of him. "No, Moons, you're my best friend and I'm asking you to help me fix my head." I said. "This entire thing is getting to me." 

"Just get her to talk to me, please." I told him. 

"Fine, okay!"

"Okay. Thanks." I said, triumphant.

"Ugh, I shouldn't have said anything to you." Said Moony, "You guilt trip me into doing everything." 

"Oh, please darling." I disagreed. "You came up with the entire poisoning Slytherins with the puking pasties thing and you implant most of our ideas too. You're the central thinking component of us." 

Remus tried to suppress a grin, but failed marvellously.

"It's like you plan these things. You already knew how I'd ask you, didn't you? You wanted me to ask you!" 

#

"She told me:  _ same-window-seven _ ," said Remus, "Although I have no idea what that's supposed to mean." 

I smile. 

I was weirdly happy that he didn't know about what she was talking about.. 

# 

The Owlery is full of first years sending their letters home, since it was a Saturday, but the abandoned window and corridor were deserted. People usually kept away from this part of the castle since it was usually covered in Owl Pellets, the sight was pleasing to know one. 

I leaned against the window sill and peeped above to see if she was already there. I found her lying on the slope of the roof and soft curls of smoke blended into the misty night from above her shoulder. She wore a casual t-shirt and pajamas, which clung to her body's shape. I had always seen her in robes, it was a bit odd to see her in such a casual attire. 

I thought this would be easy, and I could just confront her. But even though anger bubbled in me, her casual attitude threw me off. I couldn't summon or channel my anger or words or even an apology properly. 

After checking if anyone was looking my way, I pulled myself up on the roof and sat next to her.

The bent cigarette was angled between her fingers to stick to her mouth. The embers deepened with her breath and as she released it, the smoke thickened at her mouth. 

"I was told you wanted to talk to me?" she said, breaking the silence.

"No," I said firmly and immediately. "I hadn't even thought about it." 

My tone wasn't insulting as it had been in the past months but my words did their job anyway. You could see the tiniest glint of pain in her eyes.

She nodded. "I'm sorry anyway, for putting you through that unnecessarily." She said, taking another puff of her cigarette.

"Unnecessarily?" I asked. "What now you regret saving all the people you did?" 

"No, but I could have spared your feelings." She said. 

"So you regret ever going out with me for a meal and a date- new year's or whatever you want to call it? Honestly, we hardly know each other so it wouldn't be weird if you actually didn't want to hang out anymore, but you kept giving me mixed signals." 

"I thought our New Year's was cute." I added. 

"No Sirius, it was cute, I just had to play the Alfred Rosier game after that and I couldn't let anyone find out about it," She said, breathing the smoke in, again. 

"You're smoking?" I asked, trying not to sound as if I'm accusing her. 

"Mhmm," she agreed, puffing out more smoke from between her taut lips. "I thought you had a brain enough to conclude as much." 

"I meant why?" 

She looked sideways, at me, and extended her arm towards me. She was offering it to me, as the answer.

I let the skin on my forehead wrinkle but the stick between my fingers anyway. Did I want to do this? 

"Gently inhale," she instructed.

Confused about the instruction, I breathed in sharply joining it to my mouth. In the same second the smoke reached my lungs, they decided to expel it out immediately. I coughed and took another gentler sip of sorts. 

The dark, woody-metallic taste of smoke was dense in my mouth. I liked the taste but the harshness of it lingered for longer than I'd like. Like a wave, a dizzy feeling overtook my mind. It was like being drunk but instantly. I relaxed onto the roof, which I now realized was softer than I thought. She had placed a cushioning charm, I realized. The feeling of light-headedness left as fast as it came, but my mind was unpleasantly calm. 

Ernaline took the length of the cigarette in her hand and crushed it in a fist as she stared into the sky. 

"Right," I said understandingly and yet unsatisfied with the answer. "But why?" I added. 

She took in a deep breath as though it was her last, her eyes still fixed on the blackness of the night. "I have always loved Sirius." She said softly. "Not you, that would be weird, I don't even know you. 

"I mean the star, of course. The brightest in the sky. I thought it was very clever of the author to name an entire family by the names of stars. Very aptly too." 

Why did she always have to talk in riddles? 

"The author?" I asked. 

She shrugged and said casually, "You know, the one writing your story." 

"Uh?" 

She smiled, her faint creepy smile which was more real than any. "Haven't you heard of pythoness's?" 

"No," I answered, truthfully.

"I thought you Blacks might have studied them." She said thoughtfully. "Muggles believed them to be witches who knew the future. Which is quite close to the truth, but it isn't exactly." 

Finally looking towards me and gauging my expression, which could only display my confusion, she added, "Somewhere in the universe, in another time or place someone is writing stories about people from our world. In our world people are writing stories about another world. People just don't imagine things, they can only come to fathom the scope of the universe. A bit unfortunate, really. But these stories, all of them, are true. 

"Pythoness's are travelling souls, they birth in other worlds with the knowledge of the future in the form of memory of the written word from their previous birth. With me so far?" 

I nodded, a little confused about why I was being given this information but following anyway. 

"So there is someone out there, writing our story. Our author. I think she was smart for coming up with the way you're named in your family." 

"Okay?" I said chuckling, "So long as my family doesn't get credit for it. Why do you say we're aptly named?" 

"Regulus, meaning the  _ little king,"  _ she said, "Bellatrix, a warrior, she's an evil one but she is one nonetheless. Narcissa, sleep or numbness. Alphard, solitary one or the backbone of the serpent." She paused. 

I looked at her in shock, how did she know this? Why did she know my family? How did she know uncle Alphard of all the people? He keeps to himself and away from my family's shadow. 

"Sirius," she said softly. "The  _ dogstar _ , the  _ brightest _ star, the gateway to the afterlife." 

Dogstar, I could understand but gateway to the afterlife? Why would she think that's apt?

It, however, made sense. All our names were as though they were picked for who we were. Even Bellatrix's name was perfect for her. 

"What does your name mean?" I asked instead of the million others that were brimming on my mind. 

"Capable, serious, battle to  _ death _ ." 

I consciously blinked to prevent myself from staring at her too long. Even  _ her _ name was too apt, it was perfect for her. 

I don't know why she was telling me about these Pythoness's, but I only found myself more curious about what they are and why she would bring them up. 

"What's their purpose, the Pythoness's? I mean divination doesn't help much, it's telling the future too." I asked, earnestly.

She laughed at that, I didn't understand why though. "Their purpose?" She said, still laughing. "They're just cursed with the knowledge of a future they can't change, there's not much of a purpose, really. What's the purpose of a standard witch or wizard?" 

"Why is it a curse?" 

"They can't change the future and knowing it doesn't help them much, they know both the good and the unchanging bad. It's much worse than divination, really. Divination only gives you random clues which could mean anything. This is quite precise." She said as it was the most obvious thing. 

"Okay," I agreed. "Maybe so. But isn't that too convenient of an explanation? You think it's all predestined? You believe that?" 

"Sirius, have you ever read a book?" She asked.

"Sure I have." 

"Have you noticed that everything is never written?" She asked, but continued without waiting for my answer. "No author can write everything, because they can't determine everything. They just highlight the important events of a story. Some things are inevitable, these are those things." 

"Why can't they just change it?" 

Her eyes reflected the rancidity that I tasted in my mouth. Her face was pale and words seemed lost to her, only for a minute though. "There is enough recorded proof that the words mustn't be altered, the consequences are always grave. I don't think they would ever take a chance like that." 

"But they could tweak some random parts that are missed by the author? Like add things and stuff." 

She shrugged and said, "You've got to find one of them and ask them, I guess." 

"So you think there's some Pythoness out there who knows exactly how our life will play out, at least all the major part of it, anyway?" I asked. 

"Mhmm," she hummed. 

I had been so engrossed in the story she was telling that I'd completely forgotten what my original question was. The reason for this little visit had completely slipped my mind.

Turning to my side and facing her, I asked, "So would this said Pythoness happen to know why you’re still acting like a bitch to me? Why didn't you tell me about how what you were doing actually made a difference? And would she know how sorry I am for reacting the way I did?" 

"I think she'd know that." She smiled, facing me. "It's an important part of the story, I'm sure." 

I raised my brow questioningly, I wasn't going to let her get away with that. 

"I'm only acting like a bitch publicly," she said cooly, staring into my eyes, "I think it's safe for you to assume that I am not being one right now." 

I rolled my eyes channeling my inner Remus, "I had that part figured out, I think. If you're not planning on telling me then why call me here?" 

"It’s not like that. I'm just sorry you got trampled between my decisions and had to suffer from my choices. I'm sorry to leave you in the dark about something I could have easily told you." 

"You should be," I said affirmatively. "But does that mean you'll never do it again?" 

She considered my words. "Not about something I can tell you." She said, meaning it. "But there always will be things which are going to be need-know-basis." 

"I need a little more than that." I confessed. "You have to warn me for bigger things like spying on Rosier by sleeping with him." 

I had called it out exactly as it was. She had spoken about it countless times with Remus but now, her face heated at its mention. 

"I'm not judging you," I said reading her face. "But that was something I did not understand and didn't want to understand. You messed with my mind." 

"I'm-" she paused, "I am sorry." 

"Okay," I answered. 

"So?" She asked. "What does this mean?" 

"I don't think I'll ever trust you," I said, but smiled. "So waiting around for that is pointless. But I think I can get around trusting your intentions, in your own bent moral compass way." I added, and we both laughed a little. 

She neared me a little and told me, "That means a lot. Here I thought we could never be friends again." 

"I'm still angry at you, before you get too excited," I added quickly. 

"Sure." 

She casually let her head disappear below mine. Her breath soft against my neck as she found herself a comfortable spot on my arm. "I thought we could do something stupid," she said.

"Stupid?" 

"Yes," she said mechanically, "Like just staying here and not going back tonight." 

Her voice wasn't comforting, it wasn't loving, it was completely devoid of emotion actually. It made me so uncomfortable, it made me want to shake her till she gives away what she actually felt. 

But what made me more uncomfortable was knowing that she wanted to be put at ease. That my questions were making her anxious, which she didn't show. Not that much anyway. Her words and features didn't say much but her softer self was enough for me to conclude this.

My arm pulled her closer and her rigid body lodged into mine. I had never imagined her muscles to be as firm and built as they felt under me, she was muscular and fit. 

"You smell like strawberries," she said, almost accusatively. Like she didn't like it or approve of it. 

"It's James's shampoo," I said, snickering. I felt my cheeks heat at the mention. 

She gurgled something that was supposed to be a laugh but sounded more like a throaty cough. "That's  _ interesting _ ." 

It was a long night of silence after that. Questions pooled in my mind and restraint on my tongue, the likes of which I had never practiced before. Ever. 

It was over too soon and I had known through all of it that there wasn't going to be another like it. Not anytime soon. 


	20. Chapter 19 Sirius POV

Ernaline had abandoned me at the rooftop, unsurprisingly. I didn’t give it much thought, after everything this just seemed something that I should expect from her. 

James had been giving me the side eye all morning. He was probably waiting for me to say something about how I wasn’t in our dorm room on the last night before going back home. 

“What is it James?” I asked, pointing my wand at the pile of clothes for them to stuff into my trunk. 

“I was just thinking if you wanted to come to my place instead of going back to Grimmauld,” he said.

I raised my right eyebrow not believing him since we had already had his conversation too many times. 

“Alright, I was also waiting for you to tell me how your conversation with Ernaline went?” He added.

It was very unlike James to not drill me with questions first thing and wait for me to start the conversation. Was he trying to make me feel comfortable? Did he think I wouldn’t tell him about this?

James laughed looking at my face, which was probably changing expressions too fast. “Merlin, Sirius,” he said, “I was just waiting for Remus and Peter to come back before I drop the question bombs!” 

“We can’t tell Peter much though,” I sighed. We really would have gone behind Ernaline’s back and told him if she hadn’t made us do the unbreakable vow. 

“Yeah,” he nodded. “I don’t understand that though, she isn’t someone who holds grudges. She’s still friends with Snivellous, even.” 

The distaste of this was evident on James’ tongue. I almost matched it, but for some reason it made sense to me. 

“I think she’s known you for the entire year, because potions. She’s known Remus through the lessons she gives him. She’s known me a little too, but not him.” I said, trying to explain some of what I understood. James knew that I wasn’t taking her side, it was more like solving a puzzle. 

He nodded and said, “Maybe, but I feel like there is more to it, and funnily I don’t want to know why. I don’t want to know anything that she doesn’t tell me herself.”

It scared him too, her life. 

###

We made our way towards the train and found ourselves a compartment, just the four of us.

There was silence in the compartment that one would never find between the four of us. I could see James was lost in his thoughts about the letter he had received from home last week which suggested that school might not be opening next year. He was worried about Lily with the war now seeming more real after Ernaline had told us about everything that she did and that was happening around us. 

Peter seemed distant, he knew we weren’t telling him something, but he didn’t seem to care for some reason. He had his own group of Hufflepuff friends whom he would hang out with every now and then.

“It’s been a long year,” said Remus, changing into his casual clothes as the train neared the London station. 

“I felt it was a really good one,” said Peter, “I mean of course apart from Ernaline and Lily breaking your hearts all the way, we had fun, didn’t we?

“We did.” I smiled. Peter was such an innocent and naive kid, but he was warm and somehow always did manage to cheer us up.

“Well, then, this New moon at Peter’s?” Asked James.

During holidays we always make sure we meet up at one of the three’s homes, except mine for obvious reasons. I try to make it most often, but this year seemed to be difficult with the rising animosity between supporters and ‘blood-traitors’.

It was a difficult goodbye, we all knew this summer was not going to be all flowery for any of us.

###


	21. Chapter 20 Ernaline POV

_ Ernaline Dawn Brown  _

The year had come to an end and I found myself at the platform, yet again. I pulled my luggage behind me, which constantly hit my ankle, but I didn’t care. The events of the year churned in my brain and I couldn’t pinpoint which ones bothered me the most. It was rather overwhelming.

Some parents waited in groups, chatting with the others and other families huddled around their children, some laughing, others hugging. In the moment they’d forgotten the slow moving war that loomed in their heads. 

Then I saw Walburga Black standing on the platform, with her unfocused gaze lingering on the infinite into which the train track stretched. Her features, for the first time, were soft and her eyes vulnerable, unlike her usual stern look.

“You know your safety net is going to be an issue for your son.” I said, stopping before her and making sure Sirius was still on his way, taking his time to walk back to his family from the compartment.

She was Walburga’s eyes narrowed at me for suggesting what I did, but that didn’t fool me. 

“Miss Brown you don’t know who you’re talking to, You’d better be-“

“I get you’re trying to save your family. You have a big one, and you had to choose the safest way to get past these hard times. But what you’ve done has made the surname Black a synonym to Death Eaters. You and I both know he’d rather die than support the Dark Lord. He wouldn’t be a death eater to save his own life. Don’t put him in that position.” I said softly, making sure to let my features stay relaxed as I saw the marauders approaching. Even though she continued to pretend as though I spoke absolute rubbish, colour had drained from her face.

“What are you suggesting, Miss Brown, that I strip my son of his name?” She asked, her gaze unfaltering.

“Maybe.” 

“Brown!” I heard Sirius shout from a distance, “What are you doing talking to my mother?”

”She just wanted to check up on my mother. I’ll pass on your hi to her, Mrs Black,” I said, nodding my classmates a goodbye.

“Funny, she hardly ever checks on me!” Sirius muttered.

“Happy summer, then.” Said one of them from behind me as I started to walk towards my mother.

“Happy summer,” I said without turning back.

I had done something which would affect Sirius Black in the most tragic and heartbreaking way, but it had to be done. I planted the seed of Walburga disowning Sirius.

###

_ Dear Ernie, _

_ I received your letter and yes I've been checking on both Remus and James. They're fine.  _

_ After the raid in the next village, I'm scared the Death eaters will attack ours. My parents are muggles and I can't practice magic outside school. Do you think you could get your parents to put some protection charms? I know it's a big favour to ask but I didn't know who else to ask.  _

_ With love _

_ Lily  _

I apparated to Lily Evans' house the same evening with Thomas and put all the wards and charms we could. 

\----

_ Lily Evans, _

_ You shouldn't hesitate asking for this. I am, as a matter of fact, your friend.  _

_ It's done by the way. Even delivery boys won't be able to enter past the wards, so you'll have to deal with that. _

_ Love, _

_ Ernie _

\----

_ Ernaline,  _

_ I hope you are fine. I know it has gotten too much by the end of the year. I'm worried about you and Sirius both. More about Sirius since he doesn't have anyone at the moment, he's not even writing to me.  _

_ Tell me if he owls you, yeah? _

_ Tell me if you need something and if I can help you in any way, you know, for the things and 'pranks' you pull. _

_ This is just me checking up on you so I don't have more to say. _

_ Bye.  _

_ Your friend, _

_ James Potter  _

_ Ps: Thanks to you I got an E in potions!!! You're literally the best.  _

###

“I’m beginning to get impatient, Graffan.” I said.

That was something that didn’t happen to me often, I was taught patience as children are taught to speak. But the weight of the situation demanded it. 

Graffan had promised me he’d take the year to find out as much as he could about pythoness’s in the year that I was away. That was his gift to me for passing level 10, one less thing to worry about. I trusted him, but this was still a big enough thing for me to worry about despite his reassurance. 

He laughed. “Ernaline, child, I would have to be scared of you hexing me to pieces if that would be true.”

Graffan’s laugh was light and almost soothing. It felt so real every time. What he said was true however, anger and rage always danced at the tip of my sword and it took all seven years of practice for me to keep it right at the tip, never further than that and never extinguishing either. It was an exhausting way to live, but the only way I knew how.

“Alright then,” he said softly, laying down a thin notebook on the table between us. “I have spoken to Thomas in great detail about most of your plans. I think he has begun to collect information on almost everyone that you wanted to save and such.

“These are some of the things I thought you should keep in mind, some things I found in the archives. You of course know about not changing anything, that is the only way to keep you alive. The original Pythoness believed that you’re only here as a witness to the events and if you attempted to change them that privilege would be taken away, that is you would die and maybe the world you’ve visited might end too. There isn’t any proof of that though since there isn’t anyone left to document it. But you already knew that. This however is new…”

"You're to leave here once the story is over. You'll die once it ends." He said. 

###

Marjorie and Thomas charged towards me, together, in perfect synchronisation. It was unbelievable what they could do together. Marjorie plunged her sword spinning on her toes as reached my right side and Thomas let his Magic flow through her sword while trapping me himself from my left. It would have been a good trap if I didn’t slip out right before he closed his sword in front of me, but still wouldn’t have been something I couldn't handle. 

I split my sword into two daggers blocking their second attack. I had just started to learn how to split my sword into two weapons, but it gave me anxiety. It felt like splitting my wand into two and that was a horrible thought to have, especially in the middle of a battle.   
  


I didn’t let it get to me this time, they were fighting for real and not holding out on me, that was a rare occurrence since the two of them together were a force that I wouldn’t want to face in a real battle.

I had already been shown my arse enough times today, literally and figuratively. 

My hex hit Marjorie since Thomas couldn’t shield her in time and my dagger cut through Thomas’s shield and stopped right at his throat.

“You dead, my friend.” I tell him, letting a smile stretch across my face. 

“You have already died two hundred times in the last hour, Dawn.” He huffed, as we both helped Marjorie up on her feet and Thomas started undoing my handy work.

We didn’t feel guilty anymore about hurting each other, we each ended up with wounds and jelly legs ever so often that nobody could keep tabs on who is hurt by who and when or how.

“Oh, you’re just a sore loser Thomas.” I said, laughing. “Come let’s go one more time, one on one.”

Before I finished my sentence Thomas had already sent a curse my way and I blocked it, very nearly getting hit by it. Both our swords were out and we were at it again.

“Do you two ever get tired? It’s been like six hours today!” Complained Marjorie from behind me.

Ignoring her completely I sent more than a dozen flying cruciatus curses which Thomas dodged, making it seem like the easiest thing ever.

Our magic was always wordless so the other person wouldn’t get to know what curses are being used by either of us.

Our swords were about to clash and a curse was about to leave mind before which, with a thump, a body landed between us. Caged between our attacks.

“Sirius,” I said, shocked, with my eyes wide. Oh Slytherin, I could have killed him. 

He looked paler than a vampire and hair was tied into a pony. He looked like he had gained some muscle in the last one and a half months. His dress robes were half burnt and his arm exposed with the beginning of a tattoo. He was about to be marked.

We both transfigured our swords back to our wands and bent forward to pull him up from the ground, but before we could reach him he puked on the ground.

“Slytherin, that is holy ground.” Thomas muttered.

“You’ve never used a portkey before,” I said, realising only now. “And Thomas this is no holy ground. Scourgify would do the trick and you will do it yourself. I’m taking him home.”

I disapparated Sirius to my home, taking him to the Gurgie and I shared. 

“Dad, I’m home. Sirius is here. Give me half an hour.” I shouted down the stairs and shut the door behind me.

I pulled a pair of jeans and a shirt from Gerhardt’s wardrobe and handed them to Sirius. “You can use the washroom and get cleaned?” I told him.

“Are you not going to ask what happened?” He asked, finally. I couldn’t read his face. It was so empty.

“I’ll wait for you to decide when and what you want to tell me.” I told him, squeezing his shoulder for comfort.

“I want to, but I want to wash this off first,” he said looking at his arm. His blank, black eyes stared at me before he nodded and left to use the washroom.

"I'll just be downstairs." I told him and went down to get my father. 

"So he's going to stay with us then?" My father asked me, as I approached him. There was no hint of sarcasm or dislike in his voice, it was a sincere question.

I nodded, "For as long as he needs." 

"Ernie," said my father enveloping his arm around me and kissing my hair. "I'm so proud of you my little mouse. Scared for you and of you a little bit too, but it's all for the good." 

"He might be a little burned, can you check it out?" 

He nodded. "And you, are there any injuries on you that I need to tend to? You've been at the arena the entire day today. It must be quite the training." 

"Nah, nothing worth looking at." I told him. 

Sirius hardly took ten minutes to shower chang, brush and come down to find us. He looked more or less the same but the muggle clothes made him look like another person altogether. 

"Mr. Brown, I'm so sorry to impose it's just- I- I didn't have-" Sirius started to say before my dad interjected. 

"Nonsense, Sirius. It's your friend's home and you're never imposing at a friend's house. I was living with the Bone's for a year just because I could." He told him. "Now let me look at your injuries son, Ernaline says there's a burn?" 

###

"I don't understand what happened. Why weren't the injuries meant to last?" Asked Sirius as I set his dinner on his bedside. 

My father had said the injuries he suffered were quite simple to heal and weren't inflicted to last. 

Sirius hadn't reacted to that at all in the moment but now he seemed to have a great loss of coherence with that thought. 

"She disowned me, Ernaline. She started all this to save my life. She started on the dark path so that you-know-who doesn't get to me and now she disowned me for him?" His anger was evident in his voice, for the first time in the entire day he was showing that emotion.

I let him continue without answering his questions.

"She was being unbelievably nice, unbelievably. She made Cygnus be nice to me. Cygnus hates me.

"Then last week I was asked to wear the dark mark. And of course I refused. Then they got the entire family together to convince me, Bellatrix and Narcissa, Cassiopeia, Druella, everyone single one. Then yesterday she attempted it herself and when I told her I'd rather die she disowned me. Without wasting a breath or shedding a tear.

"I always knew she had a fucked up way of trying to keep us safe but this was- this doesn't make sense. It goes against everything she's done." 

I pushed his shoulder and asked him to scoot over so that I could fit on the single bed with him. "It does make sense," I told him, taking his arm. "She knew you wouldn't agree and she knew her plan to keep you alive won't work, not for you at least. Maybe it works for Reggie, but it wouldn't work for you. But if she let you go simply, her entire facade would come down crashing. It would seem to the dark lord she made an example out of you but she just let you out of the dealings she had made for the Black family. She gave you an out." I explained. 

Sirius looked at me, his expression more pained than before. "What kind of a mother does that? How can you justify her actions?" 

"I am not justifying anything. Merely explaining." I said letting my head rest on his shoulder. I couldn't see his face anymore, I couldn't see that I caused this distress. 

He slid his arm out of mine and that was enough to break my heart, but he instead placed it around me pulling me closer. 

"How are you so okay with this? You didn't even stop to think for a second, your father didn't need any explanation. Why is this okay?" 

"I was expecting it more or less." I told him, honestly. "I don't want to lie to you about something I can easily tell you. If you're mad at her for disowning you then you should be mad at me for planting the idea in her head too." 

Then I told him about what conversation I had with his mother at Kings Cross. I told him why. I told him the truth. His arms slipped off of me but he didn't remove them entirely. 

"I don't know how I feel about this." He told me simply. 

"I don't know how I feel about it either." I told him. "I mean I would do it again if I had to because ultimately it is what you needed but I have trouble with being okay with my own interference. I don't enjoy it particularly, but I found it a little necessary. I can't apologize however, because I will do it again in the future." 

His breath was audible and heavy. "All in the name of the coming war," he said. "Just like Walburga." 

He had now, finally understood the lengths I was willing to go for the sake of this war. It pricked at me of course, I had grown up hating Walburga for all her actions. I remember a lifetime before this where I hated her, being compared to her by none other than Sirius himself felt like being sentenced to Azkaban. But I understood what he meant. 

"But you cared to choose the right side." He added. 

"My motivation is the right side. My motivation isn't a personal one." I told him, calmly. Just letting him know that despite the similarities I am a different person. 

He shook his head. "No," he said, "No I understand that. You're not her but I get that you're capable of pulling and pushing and manipulating the world around you to make what you want happen. Saving grace is you want good things, mostly." 

His words were brutal and honest. I didn't mind him being brutal and honest.

"I'm learning." I said, sarcastically. "Thanks."

He laughed an empty laugh. "Only you could take being called manipulative as almost a compliment." 

"I'm not proud of being manipulative, but if it helps me save even a single life I don't mind it." 

There was a long pause, filled with only silence. I let him take it all in. I let him take his time to ask me more questions or ask me to go out of the room.

"I can't be mad at you," he said weakly, "If James had enough mind and if he understood why Walburga did everything she did, he'd do the same. He'd tell her to do the same." 

I laughed, "That's how you're justifying my actions? James would do the same?" 

"No, I mean, I don't think there is anyone who cares about me or loves me as much as James does and he would do the same for me." He said matter of fact-ly, "So I can't be mad at you for doing that. But Walburga put herself in that position, for years and years. She told me what she did was wrong. She knew and expected me to do it anyway." 

Sirius pulled on me, slid down into the blanket and nestled his face in the crook of my neck. 

"You should eat, Black." I told him. 

"I will, but can I just be like for a while? Will you stay here?" 

_Colloportus_ , I thought in my mind and let the door lock click shut. That was my only answer. My parents were pretty relaxed about too many things in my life, but I don't think they'd be okay walking in and seeing us like this. 

"Will you take me to see him?" He asked. "James I mean." 

"Whenever you're ready, now even if you want." 

Sirius moved slightly against me and looked at me to see if I was being serious. I couldn't have been more serious than I was. "In a few days." He said, "I'm not ready to explain things to him." 

"Then Owl him that you're fine. He's been worried." 

I hadn't even told Thomas about what Graffan had told me and I'd asked Graffan to do the same. Even though I had come to terms with it, Voldemort would take years to die, I know that, and I'm okay with an average length of life. 39 years of life was great after seeing people drop dead at 15. It would be more than I hoped for. Thomas wouldn't be okay with that, though. I can't even imagine how he'd react. I wasn't ready for his reaction. 

I understood what Sirius meant when he said he wasn't ready to tell James.


End file.
